We have all seen the classic redemption arc where a dad finally wakes up and tries to be present after years of being a ghost, but one 34-year-old on Reddit is currently finding out that you can’t just jump from “absentee” to “disciplinarian” overnight. Imagine being a kid who hasn’t had a father for a decade, finally asking him for a safe place to sleep, and having him hit you with a list of rules before he even says yes. If you’ve ever wondered if a “condition” can k!ll a kid’s hope of a fresh start, this story is a total emotional rollercoaster.
The Original Poster (OP) admits he was a “terrible person” ten years ago when his daughter, Nova, was born. He stayed out of her life entirely and only recently felt the sting of regret. He reached out to Nova’s mom, who was basically drowning in responsibilities with four other younger kids and happily agreed to co-parent. Nova was distant at first, which is totally fair given the circumstances, but they slowly started to build a bond. However, the OP quickly realized that Nova has zero respect for his authority and seemingly laughs in the face of punishment.
According to the OP, Nova is a “good kid,” but she’s also a bit of a rebel. If he tries to ground her, she just leaves. If he gives her a chore as punishment, she ignores it. When he asked her mom about discipline, the mom admitted she never really punished her, though Nova says there was plenty of yelling and cussing involved at home. It sounds like Nova has been raising herself and her siblings while her mom is busy with the little ones, leaving Nova feeling more like a roommate than a ten-year-old child.
The real drama began when Nova worked up the courage to ask her dad if she could live with him full-time. Most dads in this position would be sobbing with gratitude for a second chance, but the OP decided this was the perfect moment for a power move. He told her she could live with him, but only on one condition: she has to follow his rules and be respectful. He basically turned a cry for help into a business contract, and unsurprisingly, Nova shut down immediately.
The OP’s own mother was in the room when this went down, and she didn’t hold back. She called him an ahole, pointing out that if a child is asking her “deadbeat dad” to take her in, something must be seriously wrong at home. You don’t make conditions for a child who is seeking sanctuary; you just open the door. Now, both his mother and his daughter are giving him the cold shoulder, and he’s wondering if he’s actually the villain in his own redemption story.
Let’s be real for a second: you don’t get to skip ten years of parenting and then show up as the “enforcer.” You haven’t earned the right to demand “respect” when you weren’t there to teach it. Nova hasn’t had a stable father figure her entire life, so expecting her to suddenly bow down to his rules is total bullsh!t. The OP didn’t realize that Nova wasn’t looking for a warden; she was looking for a parent who actually gives a sh!t about her well-being.
After the initial fallout, the OP took Nova out for ice cream to find out what was really going on. The poor girl told him she didn’t even want to live with him anymore because she assumed he would just “send her back” the moment she messed up. It turns out her mom gave Nova’s bedroom away to her younger sisters, including a crying baby, leaving Nova with nowhere to actually sleep. She wasn’t being “disrespectful” for fun; she was exhausted, sleep-deprived, and felt like an afterthought in her own home.
The emotional commentary here is a mess. The OP finally realized that he needs to lead with love rather than rules. He told Nova that even if she doesn’t follow every rule, he will still love her and he won’t leave her again. That is the bare minimum a parent should provide, especially one who has been an ahole for the last decade. Nova’s response that “annoying him is very fun” is actually a sign of her starting to feel safe enough to be a kid again.
The fact that Nova’s mom was so quick to say “yes” to the move is pretty telling. It confirms that Nova was being pushed out to make room for the younger kids. It’s a b!tch move to give away a child’s bedroom and expect them to just “deal with it” while they are trying to go to school and grow up. Nova has been living in a sh!t-show, and her dad almost blew her one chance at a quiet bed because he was worried about his own ego and “authority.”
The OP’s mother is the real MVP of this story for calling him out on his “deadbeat” history. Sometimes we need our parents to remind us that we haven’t actually done the work yet. Respect is a two-way street, and the OP has ten years of construction to do before that street is ready for traffic. He’s lucky Nova is even giving him the time of day, let alone asking to live under his roof.
So, NTA for eventually fixing it, but he was definitely the ahole in the moment. He needs to focus on making sure Nova feels like she has a permanent home before he starts worrying about whether she’s being “disrespectful.” If she’s finally getting a good night’s sleep, she might just surprise him by being a “good kid” after all.
What would you do if your “deadbeat” ex tried to set conditions on your child moving in? Is the OP right to want rules, or should he just be grateful for the second chance? Let us know in the comments if Nova should give him a pass or if she should keep “annoying” him until he learns his lesson!
Kids need rules and stability but need to know they are welcomed not just loved.