Starting a new job is already a nightmare of awkward introductions, forgetting names, and trying to figure out which coffee mug is safe to use. But for people with visible physical differences, there is an added layer of exhaustion: the stare. You know the one. It’s that lingering gaze followed by the inevitable, intrusive question from a complete stranger who feels entitled to your medical history before they’ve even learned your last name. One man on Reddit decided he was officially done performing the “tragic backstory” monologue for his new colleagues, so he chose chaos instead.
The OP (Original Poster) has three fingers missing on his dominant hand. He describes the aesthetic with a hilarious level of self-awareness, noting that his hand looks a bit like a “child’s drawing of a rabbit, and not a good one.” While he can type and tie his shoelaces just fine (dyspraxia aside), he is fully aware that it looks odd to most people. He is used to the stares, and usually, he is polite enough to just explain the truth immediately to get it over with, knowing the office gossip chain will do the rest of the work for him.
However, after starting a fresh job, the OP hit a wall. He just couldn’t face the repetitive cycle of explaining his trauma to Karen from Accounting and Steve from HR. So, he decided to entertain himself. He made a conscious choice to not play into the pity party and instead decided to see just how gullible his new team really was. When the questions started rolling in, he didn’t stick to the script. He started improvising, and the results were nothing short of a creative writing masterclass.
The lies were not subtle. When the first coworker asked, he told her he chewed them off as a baby. Please pause and imagine the biology required for an infant to gnaw through three of their own fingers. Did she call an ambulance? No, she apparently nodded and walked away. For the next curious soul, he claimed he cut them off with a plastic knife at a picnic. Again, a plastic knife going through bone? The OP is clearly a fantastic actor, or his coworkers have never encountered cutlery before.
He kept the train moving. The next person was told he was born with six fingers and the doctors “removed too many.” He gave everyone a custom-made, absolutely ludicrous backstory, assuming they would realize he was joking. He admits he didn’t do it with the intention of deceiving them maliciously; he just assumed nobody would actually believe he severed his own fingers with dental floss as a toddler. He underestimated the power of office gullibility.
Within three days, the inevitable happened. The coworkers started comparing notes. You can practically see the scene in the breakroom: one person whispering about the plastic knife incident, while another insists it was a chewing accident. The math didn’t math. The coworkers realized they had all been told different, impossible stories, and instead of laughing at the fact that they believed a plastic knife could act like a buzzsaw, they got offended.
The OP reports that a lot of them now “actively dislike” him for lying. They feel stupid, which, to be fair, they kind of should. Now, the OP is planning a peace offering involving cupcakes made with his “super cool 3D printed adaptive whisk” to get back in their good graces. It is a sweet gesture for a group of people who lack critical thinking skills, but it shows he wants to smooth things over.
The OP’s brother, however, thinks he is the a**hole. He argues that the OP caused unnecessary tension on his first week and humiliated people who were just trying to get to know him. But let’s look at the flip side: asking someone “What happened to your hand?” when you barely know them is rude. It is a violation of privacy that we have normalized. If you ask a rude question, you shouldn’t be surprised when you get a sarcastic answer.
The OP argues that he didn’t lie to be mean; he lied because he was fed up. He wanted to reclaim his narrative and have a little fun with a situation that is usually tedious and uncomfortable for him. If his coworkers are mad, it is likely because they are embarrassed that they bought the “chewed them off” story hook, line, and sinker. That is an ego problem, not an OP problem.
So, is the OP the ahole? Absolutely not. His body, his choice of backstory. If you are nosy enough to interrogate a coworker about their disability, you deserve to be told a fable about a picnic knife accident. Next time, maybe they will stick to asking about the weather.
What would you do if a coworker asked about your medical history? Would you tell the truth, or would you invent a wild story involving a shark and a laser beam? Let us know in the comments if you think the OP’s “lies” were justified!
A funny ahole.