Hoarding isn’t like it is on TV

Growing up with a hoarder is so surreal. As an adult I went through a phase where i convinced myself where it didn’t affect me at all and I shouldn’t care because “people had it worse.”
Now as an adult in my late 20s I see how bad it messed with my head. Memories of my old childhood house. With piles of things untouched and unmoved. I know there are drawers and cabinets to this day I never opened and knew what was truly in there because I couldn’t even open them. Let alone get to them! The smell is unreal of things wet that didn’t dry properly. Moth balls. Can’t throw anything away. Mom will notice. Even pull it out of the trash. I’ll get another hit for trying to throw it away. Sorry.
Losing heat in the 1st grade due to my family not wanting anyone in the house. Learning to shower cold and use an electric skillet for all my meals. Going to a motel only during the winter to take hot showers and have heat but only on weekends. Seeing that motel years later tore down making my heart hurt a little. Learning to keep clean with baby wipes so I didn’t have to shower in cold water.
Sharing a bed with my mother till I was maybe 10. Then the living room floor was all mine. Layered blankets in the floor for my bed and I still know to this day how to make it the most comfortable to sleep. My favorite are comforters to this day. They stay cool and fluffy longer.
Remembering my mom’s room having piles..on piles of clothes taller than me as a child to where she would tell me. “Climb over that and grab this for me.” Clothes from even before I was born. Never touched again. I knew the best hiding spots of course. Behind the piles and under them. But no other kid had those in their house. Having a room in the house that could have been my room! But the door was closed shut due to the amount of..stuff shoved in there. I remember a restroom I never got to see because the walkway was stacked higher than me to this day. Closet doors shoved open staring at me at night with the fear of dark monsters waiting to get to me. But I couldn’t close the doors to protect myself.
There was a walk way I made that let you go to every room without stepping on something! I remember every step. I wonder why I can never have friends over..
Oh well got a new house! It only took a year.. remaking a new walk way. I know there’s a freezer in one room stocked with meat. It’s been maybe 5-7 years since it was last opened. I’m scared to ever see it opened. I can’t use the stove. Oh our fridge broke but we can’t get a new one. Can’t get it in. All that food is going bad. Don’t open it. I haven’t since I left that house.
I learned to keep my clothes in trash bags to stay away from the bugs. Bed bugs. Small moths. Ants. And even some I never figured out.
I don’t own anything from my childhood. I wish I had my stuffed animals but those are lost. I to this day can’t even throw away the smaller thing I don’t need. Maybe I can keep it? No. It’s useless. What about that shirt I got years ago? It has holes. But if I throw it away, I’ll hurt that persons feelings who gave it to me. Why can’t I even throw away this stupid paper from years ago without crying.