so not that long ago i had posted about how my MIL is obsessed with my daughter because she had 4 boys and never had the chance to have a girl. she kept basically trying to be her mother and while i was in the hospital for preeclampsia she basically had a whole extra week of being that and she became even more addicted to it. Shes obsessed with babies. ive been holding a grudge since she took my daughters first bath from me and how she overreacts to things if its not her way. So shes been asking nonstop to go to the pool , which i keep avoiding because i know whenever we do stuff with SO family she always wants my daughter with her and i basically dont have her the whole time . which of course i do not like so how do i nicely ask or say im keeping my daughter with me ? another thing , when i had my daughter i was new to everything so we didnt really have boundaries but now, the way things played out i want to set some. How do i set the boundary that i wouldnt like anyone to hold my newborn . i will be due around Christmas so i was already planning to not have people visit apart for grandparents, but MIL is like i said baby obsessed and i know she will he either upset or will make me uncomfortable with my decision. my mom never has any issues with my choices which is why she sees my daughter more and has a better relationship to my baby. Also why my SO says my MIL gets jealous and overreacts because of this . ….. this time around with my newborn i just want them to myself and to my SO since this will be our last baby so any advice is welcomed
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Don’t let your SO blame your mom. He’s deflecting from the real problem.
You don’t have to communicate boundaries ahead of time like “no one holds the baby”, just say no when they ask. Hold firm if they push. “The baby is happy where they are.”
Work on your confidence while saying no. I suspect you will find your real problem is your SO not having your back. If he cared more for your feelings then you wouldn’t have to deal with a lot of this stuff.
“Set clear boundaries ASAP. Tell MIL you’re prioritizing bonding time with your newborn and prefer only grandparents’ visits initially. As for holding the baby, say ‘We’re being cautious with visitors, so only [SO’s name] and I will be holding the baby for now.’ Don’t justify or negotiate, just state your wishes calmly and firmly.”
You’re not overreacting, you’re just done being steamrolled.
Tell her straight: “We’re doing things differently this time. I want time to bond, and we’ll let people know when we’re ready for visits.” That’s it. No debate.
As for the pool, just go without them. Or if she’s there, say: “I want some time with my daughter today, thanks.”
You don’t owe her access just because she’s loud about wanting it. Jealousy isn’t your problem.
Baby wear. Then who has her is not a question. Its okay to be entirely uncomfortable with the baby hogging she is doing. You dont HAVE to let anyone hold your baby. Your DH can run interference for you if needed.
I’m afraid you can’t do it nicely. Well, you maybe can initially, but she will laugh you off, then act pissed, then tantrum. You will end up having to be rude, but it’s important that you don’t give in. She will NOT make it easy.
You may have to go all the way to “the boundaries I’m setting right now are the conditions of your seeing my children at all. I am aware you don’t like it, but I am not changing my mind.”
Where is your husband? You should make sure he will have your back 100%, or better yet, coach him to have this conversation with his mother. That’s his job, like it’s yours to have such conversations with your family members