I thought things were GOOD. My in-laws called me their daughter. I participated in every holiday, I LOVED these people.
But my brother in law is the golden child and once his behavior started getting scrutiny, it was very easy for the blame to be shifted onto the new family member, who happens to be biracial, who happens to be me.
We don’t know what happened. After a week of drinking together, my FIL and BIL have begun shouting to all who will listen that my partner’s woman is “fucking up the family.” It was so disorienting, yet sort of expected? My MIL has told me multiple times that I’m too much like Princess Diana and that Camilla is a better wife for knowing not to “shine.” She has criticized me in small ways and I’m so sure that if my FIL hadn’t blocked my fiancé and I on her phone (which is shady and weird) that she’d have big evil things to say to me.
Eight years of me showing up for everything. Eight years of gritting my teeth through dogwhistles and underhanded comments. Eight years of meditating before every gathering and self-caring after. Of making sure my face never registered surprise while drunk BIL shouted in everyone’s ear, because a face of shock is way more rude. My facial expressions are always way scarier than anything these white people could do. Even setting my food down while his brother laughingly describes his cyst in detail was seen as the worst part of a dinner. And that was before the folie a deux that has begun.
My BIL is an addict and my FIL is a wealthy enabler. My fiancé is heartbroken. I am heartbroken. I just hate them so much.
On the bright side, eloping will be all the easier. I guess thanks for having the space, when my ears stop ringing from this insanity I will share the whole story but for now I just needed somewhere that I could start to unpack this. Honestly this weekend it was so overwhelming that I almost wanted to not exist, I just can’t believe I could try so hard and suddenly they would switch. I can’t believe I was stupid enough to try so hard in the first place.
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I support your vote to elope! I hope you do and don’t allow any of the complaints or noise that may follow.
we eloped and got a blanket from the jn’s over a year later. my parents gave us well wishes and money right away. I wouldn’t change what we did for anything. my JNSIL is the golden child and I’m also mixed race. it was great hearing their racist stories during Covid insinuating minorities were at fault because it was spreading. not because of people like them going on cruises during the outbreak. Wish you the best on your elopement. It’s much less stressful imo. congrats
Oh girl, I’m sorry. I’m just sorry. Big hug from an internet mama. 🤗
Dude, that’s some wild stuff. Eight years of playing nice, and it’s all just a facade. Your MIL’s comments about Princess Diana and Camilla are especially messed up. Sounds like they’re threatened by your strength. Eloping’s a solid plan, ditch the drama, keep it real with your partner. You’re doing the right thing going NC. Take care of yourself and that baby bump.
Yep. You are merely an npc in their lives and you are making too much noise for the actual game players. The answer is to understand they don’t care about you, you are merely an npc in their fantasy family game, and they want you to act like one. You, silly person, are acting like a genuine human being who cares about making genuine relationships….and that’s not what they are looking for.
I’d do a slow fade, withdraw any and all closeness, speak only of weather and traffic in front of them from now on (if you must speak to them for politeness), and do as best I could to stay out of their eyesight.
I’m sorry they aren’t the good humans you tried to let them be.
Always be a Princess Diana, that woman changed the world. She was the People’s Princess and questioned Patriarchy. Hell yeah!
*hugs*
The fact that your MIL would rather you be like the woman who slept with a married man than the woman who refused to be disrespected by her husband and his family speaks volumes.
Walk away, cut them out, and make it clear to your partner that they will have zero access to any kids if they can’t respect you.
Hugs hon.
Don’t feel bad for trying to build a relationship with your ILs. That’s normal. You are not responsible for their dysfunction, their bias, their jealousy. (Seriously – Camilla knew not to shine… wtf is that besides jealousy that you are capable, talented, pretty… dare I say shiny?)
Pity them for their small minds and lives. See them clearly. Respond rationally. (why would any rational person keep going back for abuse once they comprehend it?) Let them go emotionally.
Here’s what they are. You found a pair of shoes in the store that ticked all the boxes. Good color, good price, the correct size. You purchase them and wear them multiple times and realize they cause blisters. Do you feel regret that they didn’t meet their potential? Sure. Do you keep them and get blisters again and again? No. Do you feel guilt that you purchased the shoes? Nope. They ticked the boxes. Do you feel guilt that you removed them from your closet? Nope.
It really is a terrible situation for you! You made a real effort, and yet they are hateful & critical.
Think of these events as the way to 100% convince you and your fiance that you HAVE TO step away. Drop the rope and distance yourselves to escape their toxicity.
Eloping and celebrating your marriage without them sounds like a great plan! Good Luck to you.
Y’all once I get my bearings I promise to share with more intention, because if they weren’t so damn hurtful, these stories are hilarious. A pick-me MIL, a closeted FIL who resents his straight son, the digital nomad son who only drops in to get wasted, act like a teenager and cause drama for FUNNNN BYEEEEE! 😜 (he literally said BYEEEEE like that, his feet out the window last party, he is an arrested development little gremlin) and the baby sister whose life and relationship is also unraveling but who can’t stop enabling the chaos. What a sad sack I have ended up near.
Think of the Huge Betrayal this way, at least you get to have, exhibit and display Any Emotion or Thought you have
Proudly, on your Pretty Face 💛💜
(I’d tell her that you don’t approve of Camilla as she was a marriage interloper and an affair partner multiple times over. 😁 go ahead, insult her hero as self care! You deserve it) hehe
Definitely elope! You will have the perfect fun filled wedding you want, without any of the noise and stress of his family!
And with any luck, their inevitable moral outrage about them not being invited, having no control etc will make them go no contact with you, saving you any further need to ever have any dealings with them again.
You deserve so much better than all of this. I’m glad your partner is on your side and seems to be taking things seriously. I hope that this next chapter of your lives together is better than the last, and that you are both ready and able to move forward without these bullies. ❤️
It’s easier for your inlaws to spew garbage in your direction than face the dysfunction that’s right in front of them. Happy Elopement! Let your partner deal with is FOO.
Oh gosh that sounds awful!! It’s terrible when the mask slips all the way off and rotten people show their true self. It sounds like no contact going forward is gonna be great for you both.
Why does your MIL want you to model yourself on a woman who cheated on her own husband with a married man? Sounds inappropriate to me.
It was never GOOD. They just hadn’t full on slipped yet.
You tried because you’re a good person and you wanted to do right by the man you love. Now, you get to do right for your man by drawing away and being safe from them together.
Di and Camilla both suck, imo. And this is what elopement is for! As long as you don’t keep going back for more abuse afterwards, and don’t let them get their hands on any kids/puppies/kittens/goldfish you might have in the future. Good luck!
I had to laugh a little when you mention Diana and Camilla cause my first thought when reading was “OMG Meghan Sussex found us yay!”
Unfortunately your partner not being the golden child means that even when your BIL is the problematic one, it’s going to get somehow twisted to you or your partner. Emotionally unhealthy people can’t stand dealing with someone who is, and who supports one of “theirs” in healthy ways.
But let me say this: you were not stupid. You clearly went in trying to be a good partner, a good in-law, and just a good person. That’s not stupid. That’s called decency, and it’s not your fault they don’t have it.
This is a blessing. The trash took itself out. Rejoice.
Elopement is special because it is intimate and romantic. Circle the wagons with your partner and leave these nutcase losers behind.
I’m so sorry you were put through this. I’m glad you have a supportive partner who isn’t oblivious or in denial about how you’re being treated.
You aren’t stupid for giving these folks a chance. It’s not stupid to be decent and kind.
I’m just shaking my head at your partners’ parents enabling your BIL. If I treated my SIL shitty (not that I ever would – she’s such a sweetheart) you can bet my mom would be taking me aside and asking me what the hell is the matter with me.
I actually feel pretty bad for your partner, oof. We cannot choose our families. He’s got you in his life, and he CHOSE you. You IL’s can be raging assholes, but they can’t take away what you have with one another.
Some people are just terrible fucking people put on earth to cause chaos and misery.