Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/GsuwGZ5S5R
Trigger Warning: severe animal abuse and death. I was asked to add one.
I wanted to come back to this subreddit and provide an update because I am so beyond horrified by this entire situation and I have no one in my life to vent to.
I made a post a few months ago about my partner of 10 years abandoning me and our 5 month old baby.
The short version of that post is that my ex basically stopped speaking to me for two months because he claimed he had a massive work project. He worked from home, stopped speaking to me, eating with me and the baby, etc.
Then, he gambled all his money away and I went to my parents house for what I thought might be a week or so while I got the financials straightened out.
Instead for about six months he kept telling me that he was getting therapy and I couldn’t come home until he was done his program, going between telling me he loved me and this wasn’t permanent to saying that he had been unhappy for years.
From April of last year to now, he has not once asked about our daughter.
Then in November while I was visiting my brother in another province, he blocked me everywhere. His parents told me he just needed some time and that everything would go back to normal.
We shared a dog and four cats, who I loved more than anything on earth (aside from my baby.) I wanted to take them with me but he fought me on it repeatedly, saying he loved them just as much and that they were his only company. I reluctantly gave in because he kept telling me I was going to be able to come home each week, then kept moving the goal posts.
The lawyer I consulted said I would need a court order for the animals that would take months and I was afraid that would escalate the situation.
——
The update:
In February, I found one of his online gaming accounts and finally got back in touch with him after being unable to reach him for months. His parents had been telling me he was fine, the animals were fine, but that he was too ashamed to speak with me because he lost his job but that he was going to call me soon. I was frantic for months to speak with him.
I find out on that horrible day that he killed our dog and four cats, and that his parents had been lying for months about checking on them.
I am so disturbed by this entire situation. I am still in shock. The man who drove for five hours to bring our cat to a special vet for a surgery, who built them a giant catio, who took care of them and never once even raised his voice at them…. Killed them all.
Our dog, who loved him so much and was his best buddy.. he killed him.
He starved them all to death with a giant stockpile of food available. He starved them at different times.
The guilt I feel is unbearable, the pain I feel every night thinking about their last moments.. never, never in a million years did I think he would ever harm them.
I thought he was in big financial trouble with gambling and that it was easier to avoid me, not that he would ever… hurt them or me.
He was arrested but it looks like he will get off on the charges because he’s claiming he has multiple personalities and “dissociated.”
I spent 10 years with this man, we rescued our pets together. Never in a million years did I think he would casually tell me via fucking discord that they were dead. He even lied to me and told me that our two younger cats were still alive and that I could have them if I “didn’t call the cops.”
On top of this, my best friend in the world, my mom, just had a stroke last week that she will likely never recover from.
I feel devastated and broken inside.
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I needed a trigger warning on this one.
I’m so, so sorry. Words just fail me. I’m glad you and your child are safe.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You are brave and strong, but a support system will help immensely. Lean on anyone who will listen, and accept the necessary help. None of this is small things, and I’m sorry about your mom on top of it all. Please remember to take care of you. The bare minimum is acceptable during times like this. You will get through this.
Love, hugs, and strength to you in this frightening and uncertain time. I am so very sad for the loss of your beloved pets. I am grateful that both you and your child are out of harms way. Be gentle and kind to yourself. 💕
I am really sorry to hear this. This sounds like he has some sort of mental illness that needs to be addressed like yesterday.
At this point, it’s a really good thing you and your baby are not with him. You would not be safe with him. I hope his parents are attentive enough to see that he needs psychiatric help.
I can’t imagine. I’m so sorry. Please be kind to yourself for a long time.
I remember your earlier post.
I’m going to say he’s now on drugs to “cope” with everything.
Now is the time to get custody sorted permanently. You will regret it if you don’t.
Instead of being so worried about getting your partner back, you should have went and rescued your pets. If he was so erratic that you needed to remove yourself and your baby (and you did), the same holds true for the animals.
That’s incredibly heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you and those poor animals.
Do not meet this guy in-person. Ever. Whether he has mental health issues or is just a crazy awful person, isn’t your problem. He wasn’t trying to change and instead committed horrible cruel acts. If you can, call shelters and post on FB adoption groups that he’s a danger to animals.
This is so devastating… I don’t even know where to begin. I’m sorry, OP. This update doesn’t begin to cover my questions from your last post though. It’s good you’ve consulted an attorney, but to what end? Other commenters from your original post said as a Canadian you’d have been considered common law spouses and entitled to half of the property. Can you / did you evict him and order the house for sale? Were you able to retrieve and liquidate your furniture? Have you ordered child support? Is there legal documentation of his abandonment and signing away paternal rights?
I fear that as you sit in your shock and grief, you’ve allowed him to pull you down to his level, living in a basement with no belongings and no hope, just waiting for your life to magically turn around.
It’s time to close that chapter. This man’s undeniable mental health crisis has reached dangerous levels, and it’s time to have some protections in place. I feel you need to get into gear, seek legal intervention and secure your daughter’s future, not just financially, but emotionally too. This year has been critical for lifelong development and ability to thrive. Stay engaged, and keep clawing your way back to survival for her until you’re back amongst 100 year old trees and beautiful homes. You’ll get there again.
I’m sorry but also glad you and your baby are safe. Please use this to ensure you have sole custody.
He is definitely sick and his family is even sicker for not telling you the truth. Stay away from this POS. He is dangerous. I would never let him near my child again. I am so sorry this is happening to you.
I am so so sorry- words cannot express. If you believe in an afterlife, I hope that when you cross over that your fur babies will be waiting, with nothing but joy and love in their hearts.
For what small comfort it is worth, it is quite difficult to successfully plead insanity. He may have be released pending trial, but successfully proving the insanity defence in court is a whole other thing. if there are mechanisms for it in your area, I hope that he is compelled to stay at a forensic psych hospital until his court date.
What a psycho, I am so glad that you are no longer in contact with this dangerous man!
Wow :O, that’s actually insane. Definitely some kind of psychological disorder. I would guess brain damage could change someone like that. Like if he had had a car accident, concussion and refused to go to the hospital or something? Wtf? Whoever your husband used to be is dead and gone and there is a psycho living with your In-laws now.
I am so glad you and your child are safe. I am so glad you are doing what you need to legally. Life gave you a damn plot twist! Hopefully this new life you are building will be kind to you.
Focus on happy moments with your kid. Find your own moments of peace and happiness. You deserve peace and there wasn’t any blame here on your part. Didn’t make choices that lead to this outcome, you didn’t drive him insane or any nonsense your brain might try to convince you. Life just through a plot twist at you, a curve ball, jumped tracks.. whatever. Don’t let this destroy you, too. Keep on your own path to peace and happiness with your own family. You are important. You deserve a good life.
Holy shit, this is awful. I am so sorry for all of your losses. I just could not imagine the pain you are enduring while also being a single mom.
His parents did not help by covering it up. Have they at least tried to step up and help take care of the grandchild?
Lastly, I’m so sorry that your mom had a stroke. Try to spend as much time as you can with her while you can.
I am so sorry this happened. I don’t want to be a dick, but can you please tag this nsfw? I am so very sorry this happened but I also wish I hadn’t read it before bed.
Please protect yourself! Get a restraining order, talk to the police, a lawyer, get a security camera. His behavior is unhinged and dangerous. If he’s put on the hook for child support or alimony, if he loses the home, there are a lot of triggers here that could cause him to take violent action against you.
I’m heartbroken on your behalf. I’m so sorry for you and your pets. Please be gentle to yourself, and find spaces that nurture your sense of peace and autonomy; maybe it’s a library, maybe it’s a garden. In time you can find a way to memorialize your pets, maybe have their pictures blessed or plant a tree in their honor. You are not alone; we may just be digital voices here, but I assure you we care, and you’ll find people near you who care <3