I (22F) have been friends with someone (22F) for about 4 years. Our friendship has had good moments, but it’s often hot and cold, and sometimes I feel like she doesn’t value me as much as she says she does. She recently went through a breakup with her closest friend group (“dogs”). I tried to support her through it, but the way she talks about them sometimes feels like she’s comparing that friendship to ours in a way that hurts me – for example, saying “I’d never had a friendship like that before, you wouldn’t get it,” or pointing out how we’re different. She also excuses a lot from “dogs” while putting unreasonably high standards and expectations on our main group of friends (“cats”). If I try to point this out, she argues with me and guilts me until I can’t express what I’m trying to say. Sometimes I feel like she resents me a little, because I’m in a stronger position socially in “cats,” whereas she had prioritised “dogs.” But “dogs” dropped her very quickly once the breakup happened. I’m also part of “dogs.” During the falling-out, I took some space from them out of loyalty to her. Now that things are resolved, she seems okay with being back to normal with them, even if it means ignoring me or not supporting me the same way I tried to support her. Another dynamic is that she often asks for my opinion but doesn’t really seem to value it, which makes me feel like I don’t want to give it at all anymore. And when I’ve subconsciously taken space in the past (like when I get busy), she reacts with anxiety and pushes me into “the talk,” where I have to reassure her that this is just how I am and that I still care. This pattern is exhausting, and I don’t want to keep repeating it but I know I am partly at fault because I don’t want to communicate with her before hand that I want space because I think she would think badly and spiral.
How should I approach this situation and communicate with her and what can actions can I take?
TLDR: I have a 4-year friendship that feels draining and one-sided. She compares me to her old group, dismisses my support, and reacts badly when I take space. How can I set boundaries without hurting her?
Comments
The thing about boundaries is they can and do hurt people’s feelings, but they tend to prevent even worse damage to either you or the friendship.
Express to your friend how you feel about her dismissing your friendship. Notably, I think some people operate off a group-friendship rather than an individual friendship model. To her, a successful group friendship is worth more than a successful individual friendship, and even if she has an amazing individual relationship with you, it will not fulfill her idea of “friendship.” I’ve encountered these people and it’s never fun. To them you are worth less outside of a group context, and it sounds like she may subscribe to this mentality. Note that some of her comments do just sound like she understands that you are higher socially in cats than she is, and it upsets her that Cats doesn’t accept and love her the way dogs did before they broke up. It may not be a commentary on your personal friendship.
Allow her a boundary setting conversation. “I care about you and can hang out with you/text you [insert reasonable amount]. But me [being available 24/7, comforting you every day about dogs, etc] is not sustainable for me and I’m going to ask that we [provide your boundaries]. This doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you, just that we all have lives.”
Her feelings may be hurt. A real friend when given reasonable boundaries should understand or have a conversation. But a friend who will rage and break down over reasonable boundaries is not a friend you want to have.