Every time I hear a couple proudly announce “we never fight,” my brain goes straight to:
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One of you is silently plotting the other’s downfall
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One of you has no opinions, hobbies, or backbone
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Or you’re both in denial and sweeping everything under a very polite rug the size of a football field
Like, fighting sometimes means you’re actually being real humans with real thoughts and feelings.
It’s not the fights that worry me, it’s the “we never fight” people who snap after 10 years because someone folded a towel wrong.
Hot take, but give me the mildly bickering couple over the Stepford duo any day. At least you know where they stand.
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Backup of the post’s body: Every time I hear a couple proudly announce “we never fight,” my brain goes straight to:
One of you is silently plotting the other’s downfall
One of you has no opinions, hobbies, or backbone
Or you’re both in denial and sweeping everything under a very polite rug the size of a football field
Like, fighting sometimes means you’re actually being real humans with real thoughts and feelings.
It’s not the fights that worry me, it’s the “we never fight” people who snap after 10 years because someone folded a towel wrong.
Hot take, but give me the mildly bickering couple over the Stepford duo any day. At least you know where they stand.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
as someone who did go through that kind of relationship shits true
My wife and I don’t fight. We sit down and talk to each other like adults.
Might depend on the definition of fighting. There’s many people I never “fight” with. We don’t become combative, we don’t yell, we don’t accuse. Feelings still get hurt, but same feelings also get addressed. Had that case with a friend recently. Entirely let me down. I didn’t even have to say anything and they knew they messed up, told em I’m not happy, and we talked it out from there. Literally just talked normally though.
People that say they never ‘fight’ as in never have disagreements? Yeah that’s sus. But people that say they never yell at each other or accuse each other? Now that’s goals. It’s nice to be able to resolve conflict in peace and treat it like a regular conversation.
My wife and I have disagreements and we talk to each other and explain our issues and our viewpoints. Then we work out how we’re going to fix things together. We don’t have fights about it.
It’s us against the problem, not us against each other.
We don’t fight. Don’t get me wrong sometimes we disagree or irritate each other, but we worked really hard on just talking and taking a breath. I love him. I don’t want to make him feel like shit and when my temper calms I’ll regret it. So I take a breath and explain why I’m upset and it’s sorted there and then.
This is the first relationship I’ve had like this, I used to scream and cry and all that shit but it’s so fucking boring and exhausting.
My husband and I don’t fight. If we aren’t agreeing we sit down and talk and figure it out. Very rarely we even bicker. We just get along and are emotionally mature with each other and deal with things as they come
It’s better to not fight, I fought with my ex every single day and can guarantee my relationship was worse than couples who don’t fight
I used to think that way too. Turns out i was only used to being in toxic and unhealthy relationships..
My fiancé and i don’t fight. We have a problem we sit down and talk about. Problems get resolved and theres no fighting. And yes, we both have hobbies, opinions, and a backbone. We just choose not to treat each other like garbage when we disagree.
Have you considered that people might…love and respect each other enough to communicate their grievances without “fighting”? No? Just…plotting murder is where your mind goes?
It depends of what you mean by fight. My husband and I have gotten upset with each other, but we’ve never yelled or called names.
In our 20 years together I can remember having only had 1 “fight” with my wife. I guess we’re just excellent in agreeing to disagree. We have our differences (big ones) we have our opinions (some equal, some different) but we respect the other one enough to not make a problem out of it.
I would rather say, “a couple that aims to agree on everything sounds terrifying”
I also don’t fight with my partner in the general definition of the term fighting. We don’t raise voices, we don’t attack each other. We simply say “hey this is something that’s bothering me” and it opens a discussion. It’s called communication not fighting.
Edited to add: I understand your perspective though. I’ve seen it in people but in my experience, there are other relationship red flags that also present themselves.
My husband and I don’t fight, mostly because he’s a good boy and listens well. Very proud of him.
Kidding! We disagree as all couples do and talk about it, but we believe fighting should be left to things like games, TV shows/movies, and other people.
Couples who lie about having zero disagreements or fights are scary, I do agree. There’s something sinister happening that they’re trying so hard to hide and it is incredibly sad. The couples I know in person who lied like that would later tell me all the abuse that happened in the back :(. Don’t ever stay with someone who makes you feel like you can’t express a single opinion
Okay so first I think you’re not aware of what this sub is for. It’s for a podcast called Two Hot Takes. The podcast host and guests give their hot takes, usually there are two of them giving hot takes, hence the name.
Second, in my relationship we are definitely real humans with real feelings emotions. Our relationship is a safe space for both of us so express our emotions and we are both capable of expressing our feelings without yelling or needing to fight to be heard.
Honestly this might be illuminating something that you can look for in relationships, or work on if you’re already in one.
Tell me you’ve never been in or seen a healthy, functional relationship without telling me that.
My husband and I have been together for a total of 30 years. We have fought 4 times total over those years, mostly in the beginning.
We prefer to talk it out. We learned early on that once the yelling starts, the listening stops.
Neither of us are doormats and while we pick our battles we also don’t ignore things and let a situation build up to the point things explode.
Some people like the thrill of the fight and see it as a life lived with passion and fire. If you prefer that path and it works for all parties involved then that is great.
Don’t assume we’re out here living repressed doormat lives and we won’t assume you’re a bunch of emotionally immature chaos gremlins with serious control issues.
There’s disagreeing and there’s fighting. Do we disagree? Sure. We have to compromise, give in, change plans, whatever. But fighting? Almost never. In 36 years I can count real fights (verbal, never physical) on one hand.
It’s all about being able to disagree without turning nasty, mean, cruel, abusive, or even petty. It’s about facing that two different people chose to be together but will never be in agreement on everything. And being able to talk through those times as mature adults.
my boyfriend and i don’t fight. we disagree, we miscommunicate, but i would never define any of it as a fight.
We barely talk…hard to fight or disagree when there’s no talking
I don’t think we should tell people fighting in a relationship is normal don’t get me wrong disagreeing sure and talking like adults sounds more reasonable but fighting, yelling, or not communicating with each other is not normal or should be deemed as normal either. Let’s elevate each other if you have to completely change who you are for this person to be happy with you is also not it!! Just my 2 cents on it!
Agreed. One of the first things they taught me in counseling was “fighting fair”. Disagreements are normal. They don’t have to be knockdown, dragout things, but it’s wild if you’ve been together for years and not had them.
Well there’s lots of personalities in the world… I think a spineless person can be in a happy relationship if they end up with someone kind and considerate (woe betide them otherwise)
I have been with my partner for about 10 years. We had a fight or two when we first started dating and then when moved in together. Just some growing pains, but we haven’t fought since. We have conversations, open dialogue, we don’t yell at each other, we don’t ever swear at each other. We just mesh really well and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
I think if people fight consistently it might be a product of what they grew up around and think it’s healthy and normal. But I used to fight with an ex. I’ll never be put in that type of position again and lose my peace.
There’s a difference between resolving conflict and disagreement amicably, and fighting. I like to have discussion, not screaming sessions. You are wrong.
Or the young ones who have to show themselves kissing each other on the fb profile pic. Ewwwww…. Those relationships never last longer than a few years tops. If I hear someone say he or she annoys the f out of them sometimes I know they’re ok.
When I was growing up, my parents fought. Yelling, swearing, thowing shit, throwing punches. Broken walls were normal. Threats and scars and bruises were normal.
My ex and I fought.
My bf and I disagree and hurt sometimes but there’s no fighting. There is a discussion about what happened how we felt in the moment, what we expected to happen, what the outcome was and how we can be better next time. Apologies are said. We communicate. We grow together and work through our past trauma so we don’t project it on each other. If that’s not the goal, idk what is.
Do they mean fight or do they mean “disagree?” Because my husband and I rarely fight even when we disagree.
It depends how we define fight. My husband and I never fight, but we do engage in passive aggressive sniping. It doesn’t last longer than like 2 hours total including cool off and apology.
You really just cannot imagine there exist people who genuinely aren’t assholes.
When I think of fighting, I think of physical violence or one or both people shouting angrily with no real resolution. That’s not healthy and my perception of the word is probably based on how relationships were modeled for me when I was a child. However, disagreements where you talk things out? That should be something everyone does. I try to use disagreement over fighting for that reason.
Disagreeing is not the same as fighting. We’ve learned how to communicate effectively, problem solve together, and compromise so we never fight about disagreements. We also respect each other, so don’t do anything hugely hurtful to one another. Of course, we’re both human, and sometimes things happen, but that’s what communication is for.
I disagree. My ex wife and I NEVER fought. We talked and we passionately debated, but it never got to argument status. We tried desperately to see where the other person was coming from, and it never had significant and uncomfortable tension until the very end, and she’s still my very best friend because of it. I loved that about us and I will fight to the death to keep this beautiful person in my life.
But fights? No. Why can’t we come to an agreement? Why can’t we agree to disagree? Why can’t you see where I’m standing and realize it’s not where your feet are? Fights, to me, are indicative of trying to change the other person’s opinions- which is relationship suicide. I can’t do fights anymore.
Depends on what people mean as fighting. We don’t have yelling fights, or even extended periods of conflict. We just both treat each other with respect and are both happy for the other one to exist as their own person.
We also tend to not argue over housework, cooking, whatever. I’m of the opinion that if I’m not the one doing it, it’s not up to me to critique his efforts. And he doesn’t have an opinion about how I do stuff.
There’s the odd bit of bickering. I tend to bring up issues if there’s anything really bothering me.
We both let the other have a lot of personal freedom but we’re both monogamous, so I don’t mean sexually.
I mean that we often do stuff we want to do even if the other one isn’t interested.
We’re both secure in our relationship, hold very similar base values and can agree to disagree on unimportant other matters. Expressing a contrary opinion to the other person isn’t the start of a fight.
So, have it your way. But some of us simply prefer to direct our energies elsewhere
Or there is and has always been full transparency… with EVERYTHING. If there are no secrets, there are no surprises.. no finding out about big purchases the other didn’t approve of or had already disapproved of. No flirty text conversations going on with an opposite sex coworker bordering inappropriate or beyond.. No shocking secrets about close friends or family.. Once you marry it’s both your family and they’re both your friends… assuming it’s a proper marriage union the spouse comes first over everything and everyone else full stop. If it’s already all out in the open there’s nothing major to fight about.. just minor annoyances and first world problems that pop up here and there and are easily resolved immediately via some open communication and compromise instead of secrets and resentments building. Full transparency, everything in the open, even if you fear it could be a deal breaker divorce level fuck up. . 80% of this relies on full access and visibility to all finances… and .. gasp… PHONES. You must trust them to keep everything confidential confidential and be sure there’s nothing happening hidden there that would upset them. If there’s shit going on that you have to hide from them, you’re not being fully transparent… Hiding shit until they find out and it blows up.. We’ve had full access to everything personal and financial for 25+ years but never felt the urge to snoop deeper than the access code or recent photo we needed from the other phone… because full transparency and no red flags.. Don’t do sketchy shit and there’s nothing major to fight about..
We disagree plenty, but there is nothing to fight about. We don’t have the stressors many marriages have though. No negative influences or opinions from family, no kids, no money issues, no addictions, no cheating. We also fought with our spouses in our previous marriages and neither is interested in going through that again.
It’s definitely concerning. It usually means it’s a marriage of convenience because they couldn’t find anyone else to marry. It means they simply settled and could care less….there’s no passion in their marriage.
Give me Frank and Marie Barone any day of the week 🥴🤣❤️
Met my fiancé in 2020, we have never “fought” about anything. We are two emotionally intelligent adults that have discussions, but never a fight. What is there to fight about? I’m 38F, he’s 41M and we respect each other enough to talk it out if we are irritated or upset about something.
I spent 10 years in a “bickering couple” relationship and it was fucking awful. Constant nitpicking and criticism, hardly ever affectionate or sweet to balance the bullshit. I’ll take peaceful joy any day, regardless of if people view our love as Stepford or not.
There are actually people in the world who aren’t so “Machiavellian” in how they view life. The people in my life get nothing but respect. And neither one of us get defensive so if we got something to say, we say it and we’re both emotionally stable enough to see we did something upsetting and can make sincere apologies and change how they act in the future.
People are allowed their peeves no matter how unreasonable they may be. That’s the price of admission and pretty much all people mention their boundaries at some point. Pay attention and don’t step there. That’s all it is.
Believe me, if you’ve ever dated someone kind and peaceful, it’s like finding a sexy unicorn. It’s possible the OP has but couldn’t get past “issues” whatever they may be, possibly trust?
Kindness, empathy and trust! Them ain’t just hippie hallucinations. Anyone can incorporate them into all relationships
Bullshit
69m 72f married 26 years, each married long term before. Our long term goals matched perfect, but sometimes we disagree on details. Nothing to get really pissed about. After our previous toxic spouses, we know what to avoid that triggers spite, but, we both really do prefer a peaceful house.
my husband and i are one of those “we don’t fight” couples. but, we’ll usually follow it up with “sure, we’ve had some tense moments but never a fight.” it really depends on what a “fight” is to you. to me it’s when one or both people are yelling, making accusations, saying things they might regret later, or worse. that’s something my husband and i have never done. if we’re having an issue or one of us is building some kind of resentment, we’ll talk about it like adults. “hey, when you do/don’t do ___ it makes me feel ____. can we work on this together so i don’t have to feel this way?” etc.
we’re emotionally mature enough that quite frankly we don’t even usually get to the resentment phase because we know ourselves well enough to know what might cause resentment and we set things up so that doesn’t happen.
we have our emotions, and we have little petty things here and there but if someone’s getting heated they remove themselves from the situation before it escalates into a fight. and even this is extremely rare.
to me, couples who “don’t fight” either means, as you said, they’re plotting each others demise or one of them is going to snap at a towel folded the wrong way. OR… it means both people are extremely good at regulating their own emotions, are emotionally intelligent, and communicate before things become an issue. that’s the mark of an incredibly healthy relationship.
fighting is honestly rarely necessary in a good relationship. my fiancee and I might argue about the way a piece of art is to be interpreted, but when it comes to actual interpersonal conflict, its more practical to take a step back, do a personal inventory, and have a conversation to come to an understanding. it can get pretty emotional, but we’re not fighting, we’re collaborating and contributing. relationships are work, hard work, every day, and fighting eachother does nothing to advance that work.
My SO and I are pretty much the same person with complementary genitalia. We have the same viewpoints on everything of importance and respect each other enough to not be concerned about the few minor things we view differently. Example: I like computer RPGs and he likes pay to play app games on his iPad. I like British crime dramas and he likes slapstick comedy. I go to bed around 9pm, he goes to bed around 1am.
We are both rather introverted and respect that fact. We spend time together doing the things we both enjoy and when one of us needs alone time we don’t get bent out of shape about it, we just say “I hear ya, baby. Think I’ll go do XYZ for a bit.”
We’ve never had an argument in the 8 years we’ve been living together. This is the most peaceful and fulfilling relationship I’ve ever been in.
We don’t fight. My last relationship was full of drama, fighting all the time, drama, drama, drama. It was exhausting. Now, if either of us has a problem, we talk it out. It might take while (me), but we get there in the end with no drama.
I’ve been in so many relationships where the other person quietly checked out and it’s so much worse. No fighting, no direct conversations beyond mundane life things, just pleasant, shallow talk. When I am with a partner who has the guts to say, “hey we need to talk about something. You did this thing that hurt my feelings…” I think “wow, they are invested in their relationship with me AND they are willing to communicate. Win, win.” I love having a partner who wants to work through the tough things together with me, especially when we don’t see eye to eye, because it means they care enough about us to try.
I don’t fight, and relationships still end. I don’t need to scream and yell. If my partner won’t listen, or find a middle ground with me through fucking talking, I will move on. If course it takes a long time before I finally call it. I can pay my own shit, and survive on my own. I respect them, they need to respect me. Elevated voices or name calling is not the level I want to be at with anybody.
Yea or you are an adult who knows how to navigate disagreements without turning them into a fight
My wife and I are getting better at resolving conflict
They are misi formed on what fighting looks like. Most of them do fight but when they hear fight they think of yelling and screaming and acting like fools. They think that means they don’t fight. They like to call them quarrels or arguments but it’s the same thing.
I have never met a couple who never had a fight afterthought got out of the honeymoon phase.
We don’t fight, we have mild disagreements, and we talk through negative feelings. It’s called being mature and trying not to let trauma dictate how you respond to everything.
Nah we fight. We just don’t fight about important stuff. Which power ranger is better. It’s yellow. And if my husband doesn’t agree I will tell him how stupid he is for thinking that. And he will roll out his 95 theses to prove it’s the red ranger and we’ll bicker and fight about it, and I’ll still be mad two days from now.
But something important? That requires reasoned conversation, empathy and understanding. So we don’t fight about money or the kids. We talk it out and we collaborate.
We don’t fight but we disagree, we discuss and can be angry with each other. We just don’t yell, use bad words or use violence.
If you always agree, yeah that’s sus. Bit disagreeing in a respectful way can be done. It takes effort though.
Ive been with my dude almost 5 years. We see each other 2 days a week. Never had one fight.
My wife and I have been together for 19 years. We never fight, anymore. We used to fight often. We went through the typical marriage “arc” that most couples go through. Those are: (from Google, but similar to my counselor’s paperwork) “honeymoon phase, disillusionment, power struggles, stability, and ultimately, commitment or reconciliation..” We made it back to the “commitment / reconciliation” phase and it feels like a very long term honeymoon. We made it to this phase around year 15, just after almost divorcing at year 14.
I no longer say stupid things that I know will hurt her and she’s the same. It really is that simple. When something is said or done that does unintentionally hurt the other person – we know it wasn’t the intent and that takes the venom out.
One final parting comment. Only Siths deal in absolutes. I got my good eye on you OP 🤣
I’m happily married for 18 years next month and can honestly say we never fight. We absolutely disagree but we’ve gotten pretty good at working it out. The 3 biggest things I can recommend are:
Choose a partner whose core values align with your own. The superficial stuff doesn’t really matter but choose someone you see eye to eye with on politics, religion, children, work/life balance, chores and domestic duties. If you do this, your disagreements are a lot less likely to be existential threats to the relationship
If you’re married, take your vows seriously. Love, honor, and cherish. Sickness and health. Forsaking all others. Etc etc.
This is my favorite one: Flip a coin. There are SOOOOO many things that aren’t worth arguing over and you’re both entitled to get your way half the time. Flip a coin, accept the results and move on. Obviously this isn’t for major life decisions like “should we buy a house” but it eliminates all the drama and butthurt that can come from decisions like “who’s friends are we hanging out with this weekend”.
We rarely disagree though I do passive aggressively put the loose tp roll back on the shelf if it’s on the counter and not on the tp holder.
Like many who have commented already, we really don’t fight. I can sense in an instant how he feels when he’s upset about something, so like a caring partner, I’ll ask him what’s up. He tells me, we discuss it, and find a solution however ever big or small the problem is. We can always fix it together.
We’ve been married 44 years. We don’t fight but yes, we disagree. Sometimes one of us just drops it because it’s not worth fighting about. Sometimes we talk it over. Sometimes one of us (either, not just me or him) realizes we were wrong. Sometimes giving it some time to marinate means you find a compromise. I can’t think of an instance where screaming and fighting would make it better or lead to a solution.
my husband and I rarely fight.
what we do though is sit down and discuss what’s bothering us and how to work with it accordingly. we’ve had a few fights in our 20 yrs together, but that was mostly at the beginning when we were ironing out our relationship. and being on the streets for a few months caused a couple as well come to think of it.
I’d say even couples who don’t fight still have disagreements. Some people are very conscious of not wanting to raise voices and are good at communication. My husband and I have disagreements and take time outs if we feel heated. We’ve only ever had yelling fights a couple times because frankly, no one is listening during a FIGHT, they’re just trying to be heard, and we communicate better when we’re calm.
Way off base here. My wife and I have never fought, yelled or raised out voices at each other.
We, shockingly , talk like rational adults. We dont always agree on everything, but when we dont we discuss it.
Why fight over shit thats most often not worth the effort. We both had previous marriages where we had to contend with people who just find every reason to run their mouths and try to put us down.
We aren’t going to be those people, we’ll talk, it may get a bit edgy but never fight.
Should you replace fight with disagreement maybe? 14 years and me and husband don’t fight. We have disagreements but we sit down like adults and talk them out and work together to handle them. I grew up in a house where it was screaming fight after screaming fight between my parents and I would NEVER subject myself or my children to that.
32 years ,, never had a blowup. Very happy loving marriage.
I am in the trouple and we do not fight.
We talk.
We also do not sweat the small stuff like towels
None of the above. We don’t fight. 🤷🏻♀️
I’ve always said that couples who claim to never fight are either a) compromising too much and the resentment will build and eventually implode the marriage, or b) full of shit. Edited to add: a “fight” means different things to different people. I’m taking a serious disagreement where one or both parties are angry at the other.
My so and I have been together 14 yrs (19/20 yrs old) so we matured together. I told them early on we wouldn’t yell or throw things or curse when we had disagreements. I lived in a violent household as a child and knew my boundaries. It’s not a crazy concept to learn emotional regulation.
I’ve been happily married 40 years. We really just don’t disagree about much. On the rare occasion we do, we are pretty good at talking things through fairly calmly. You don’t have to believe that, but it’s true.
We picked to be really each other compatible world views and don’t raise our voices when we disagree. We get annoyed, but it’s usually petty stuff that is worth fighting over.
My husband and I don’t fight. We communicate. There’s no need to fly off the handle at one another when you can speak things through? Of course we get angry at one another but we don’t fight. We talk. Like adults.
Honestly, I’ve been with my wife for twenty years and we never fight. I know I’m not holding anything back, and I assume she isn’t. We’re just very compatible. It very easy, and very beautiful.
I completely agree. It’s such a red flag “we always get along!” Like well… if there’s no friction, then how are y’all compromising? Maybe these couples are just not discussing hot bottom items.
“Fighting” to me means coming to blows, but I know a lot of people think fighting just means arguing/debating.
lol tf
In my opinion,this isn’t a hot take since l share this view
Sometimes, people don’t fight because they genuinely get along well, agree on a lot of things, or are willing to compromise and are capable of honest communication without yelling at each other.
My partner and I are together almost 24/7, and we work together. We rarely fight and don’t often feel the need for significant space from each other (we are also good to let one another have their own space in the house or wherever when needed).
Sometimes, people just get along really well most of the time. Believe me, we are blunt with each other, direct, honest, express our sadness, hurt, and anger about situations, but we don’t necessarily fight over it. We had our first fight about 4 or 5 years into dating.
He’s my person.
You seem to think the only way to disagree or express individuality is to fight.
The couples who never fight know that isn’t the case. My wife and I never fight, but that doesn’t mean we never get our feelings hurt or disagree; it just means that we always speak to one another and treat each other with love and respect, even if we are upset.
But every single one of your points is wrong.
We both lift the other up and have been doing so for nearly 20 years now.
We have our own hobbies and interests with some overlap, but encourage and enable each other to find our own happiness.
We are very transparent with one another, and do not tolerate sweeping anything under the rug, as I do think that is a recipe for misery and divorce.
Before I met my wife, I had also normalized fighting as part of intimacy, but now that we’ve been married so long and don’t fight, I can only recommend never fighting as definite goals.
Definitely the hot take. Maybe it’s you that’s broken if you think this way?
Fight as in yelling and screaming?
My girlfriend and I communicate when there’s an issue. I respect her and try to follow her wishes. I’ll communicate if I have any issues or give her my side of the story if I feel she’s missing something. And vice versa. Then we agree or compromise.
That’s it. This solves everything.
Ummm…. Sounds like you might have been in some bad relationships.
My partner and I occasionally “argue” (one person annoyed about something and the other listening. Not necessarily “you’re wrong, I’m right” arguments) but primarily we sit down and talk about the problem at hand. We do not “fight”.
I don’t do a lot of arguing or yelling, I’m just not interested in that. And maybe that’s part of why I’m single. I just feel like it’s a ridiculous way to spend time, I feel like I’m above that and I’m just not going to do it much.
However, there’s a lot of nuance to be had here. “Fight” can mean so many different things, and only some of those things are acceptable or healthy.
Disagreements and disappointments will happen with each other, though, and that’s very normal. It’s really important to adequately address those things & be able to express yourself to your partner.
Not doing that will cause extremely serious problems, ultimately.
I guess I feel like me and my friends can solve disagreements like mature adults, so I fully expect that in relationships.
My partner and I don’t “fight” – we don’t yell, we don’t belittle each other, we don’t call names, we don’t storm out of rooms, we don’t hold resentment for hours/days/weeks. We do have emotions and feelings and hurt each other sometimes, we do speak openly about our feelings daily, we do give each other a lot of benefit of the doubt and assume the other person has positive intent (this is huge).
I think you may have misunderstood what this subreddit is for haha. It’s not for general hot takes discussions, but for personal stories looking for advice or opinions, that may get featured on a podcast called Two Hot Takes.
I’ve learned that not fighting is a huge red flag.
And I’ve learned to fight well. Like rather than screaming and yelling, blaming, saying horrible things, there are healthier ways to express and process upset.
I’ve been in relationships with a lot of fighting. I’m now in one where we don’t fight. That doesn’t mean we agree on everything, it means that we don’t yell, name call, storm off, slam doors, etc. We discuss things like 2 rational adults.
What is terrifying is that it seems you are unable to voice your opinions/feelings/thoughts without starting a fight….
I agree. I’ll never understand couples who think that it’s unhealthy to argue.
I don’t need to have a fight with my partner in order to talk out a disagreement.
My husband and I never fight, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t conflict. We just handle it like people who love and care about each other rather than as adversaries.
My spouse and I have been together 20 years, married ten. We have never had a fight. Of course we disagree, and we discuss how to resolve our disagreements, but our discussions are about the issue, not each other. We’re not into blame; we’re into problem solving.
We’re also great at “You do your thing and I do mine” so we don’t have to argue about much. Also we keep our finances separate except as necessary in individual cases.
But maybe she’s secretly plotting my downfall.
😂😂😂 hilarious. You left out the part where two adults can have conversations and disagreements and rules for how to approach issues. That’s maturity. It’s sad you’ve never had people model what that looks likes because it actually exists in healthy relationships.
Hot take… people who think like this are toxic AF… it’s very possible to go through life without being a high conflict person.
I know a couple of 13 years that broke up during their first 5 minute fight. I find it structurally unstable.
I disagree.
I did have one relationship where we fought a lot and that wasn’t normal and that relationship didn’t last.
I am a pretty assertive, direct person but I almost never have seriousn interpersonal conflict because I’m good at communicating and I pick good people to spend time with.
I know several older couples who say they’ve never had a fight.
I used to be one of these people, 2 & 3 but without the other person in denial. Just me bc I chose misery. They didn’t care why there wasn’t a fight. Maybe some didn’t know there could/should have been one.
We argue we disagree, but we don’t fight. We’ve been together forty five years, there’s really nothing to fight about.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I fight, but we do have arguments (raised voices, silent treatment, husband hulk-ripping his shirt), mostly about stupid shit–what to have for dinner, conflicting plans, etc. I can count on one hand the number of serious arguments we’ve had, and they’ve been about other people butting into our marriage with their ridiculous expectations.
That being said, we do not argue about money.
Orrrr, people can discuss differences without letting emotion play a role.
Depends on definition of fighting and at what stage you are at in your relationship.
I’ve been married 26 yrs. For the first 5 years and also while dating, we never even disagreed. We are both super laid back people and share the same views.
Once the kids came along and we had meddling in-laws, we would disagree.
We’ve never held a grudge or not talked to the other person. We don’t shout at each other ( we save that for our kids 😂) and we certainly don’t name call. we are basically on the same page with most things but after 26 yrs it gets trickier. You can really see their faults.
Or, we just don’t fight. We have discussions and communications. We express views and desires and hurts. And our partners treat that respectfully.
Fighting is for the immature.
/shrug. I’ve been married 19 years. Learning how to communicate so we can avoid fighting is where the good life is. Also, our three kids are watching us and learning a baseline normality for what it means to parent.
If your norm is fighting and you don’t get people who aren’t yelling and screaming and going at each other…you haven’t been in healthy relationships. I don’t fight with anyone – not in my home or out of it. it just isn’t how I handle situations or communicate or resolve issues. Not fighting doesn’t mean you don’t have disagreements or different opinions or frustrations but you deal with it as adults and talk it out – you don’t get into fights. The goal of a fight is to win and defeat the other person through violence or struggle or aggressive confrontation – it is a sign of a very unhealthy and sometimes abusive relationship
… we don’t fight because we discuss things like grownups who can regulate the tone and words that come out of our faceholes.
I think you are conflating fighting with arguing. You can argue without fighting. Fighting is a waste of time and solves nothing. If a couple cannot argue like adults and only resorting to fighting then they shouldn’t be with each other.
You forgot to add one of you may be buying stock in a granite or marble mine ….for new flooring of course. Jk
But as as you both are unified again the problem even if you disagree about the solution it’s always better to has things out.
My late husband and I were together almost 28 years. We disagreed about a lot of things. What we didn’t do was allow those things to fester to the point we were angry. We talked about our different opinions. He loved Fox News. I couldn’t tolerate it. Solution? He watched it in the morning before I woke up. We did have three serious arguments. During one I actually stormed out of the house and went for a walk. I sat at a construction site and watched Hume drive up and down the street several times looking for me. When I finally went home, we talked and resolved out differences. Our son and grandson used to laugh at us when we “fought”, since we didn’t really fight. We just threw mild insults at one another. Or I’d grab a squirt gun and shoot him with it.
I feel the opposite. Couples who always fight aren’t in healthy relationships and they’re the terrifying one’s. From what I’ve seen, the only couples who fight and yell at each other a lot are the ones who settled and are unhappy. My husband and I never fight. We don’t have time for it and it’s pointless. We’re best friends who have amazing communication. Sure we sometimes disagree on things but we’ll talk about it like adults without it becoming a blame game and/or screaming match.
Hard disagree.
It’s wild to me that so many people find it inconceivable that you can talk about big things with a partner without fighting. My wife and I find it very easy.
I think I have had a single ‘fight’ with my husband of 9 years. But we bicker often, haha.
You’re taking a blanket statement and applying it to everyone who doesn’t meet your ideal of a relationship.
I never fought with my ex of eight years because I didn’t want a backhand. There are reasons for not arguing beyond the three you gave, the middle one being out of touch. Not arguing with someone is not a sign of ‘no backbone or opinion’.
I mean, you believe what you want to believe. But stating there are three reasons and that’s it isn’t a hot take. It’s being rigid in your mindset.
Never fight? Or never disagree. Not the same. Like we don’t fight, but we disagree. Get periodically frustrated. But fights shut my ass down so fast
We don’t fight. We definitely argue sometimes, but we don’t fight.
My husband and I don’t fight. We don’t yell or shout or throw things or anything like that. I don’t think we’ve even called each names unless we were playing around and joking. (I call him an asshole at least once a day.)
But we do have disagreements and serious discussions about things. We’ve made each other angry and we’ve made each other cry. But we always find a way to compromise or table the discussion until a later date.
I tell people we don’t fight. And I hope we never do.
I always wonder how people who are always bickering stay together. It drives me crazy to be around that and it makes me think they don’t really like each other.
Like many other commenters, my husband and i rarely fight. We are just two pretty chill people that mostly agree on stuff and can talk things out when we don’t. Neither of us gets upset very easily and we have enough respect for each other to work things out calmly. It’s actually amazing and the polar opposite of the house i grew up in. I’m glad this is the example we’re setting for our kid.
My husband and I have disagreements, but we don’t fight. I think one of the main reasons for that is we were good friends for years before we became a couple. So we treat each other with the same respect we always had. We don’t want to hurt each other’s feelings. Also, we both came from a yelling household and we want nothing to do with that again.
This seems like a load of cope.
You’re missing the point really OP.
Yes, never fighting isn’t good.
But good, nice, well adjusted, mature adults fight fair, calmly, no yelling, they actually listen and work through things, like mature, responsible well-adjusted adults.
Sadly, so many aren’t mature, aren’t well-adjusted etc. and their fights are terrible.
Yelling, throwing things, breaking things, hitting etc.
My god, Miss April would talk in her normal tone of voice to me when letting me know I did something she didn’t like and I felt two inches tall as I NEVER wanted to disappoint her.
I’d ask her about it, we’d discuss it in our normal tone of voice sitting next to each other, holding hands etc.
Those were our “fights”.
My partner and I have had three fights in almost six years. Other than those speedbumps, the most we do is debate things, but that’s it. So, we almost never fight.
Lol my take on this is your trying to justify your shitty toxic relationship. It is possible to “never fight” now let me tell you, that doesn’t mean it’s all rainbows and fairy tales. You absolutely get annoyed at times but you’re also adult enough to pick up those cues and give some space and then if needed talk/communicate. A good relationship isn’t hard nor has to have fights. Learn self control and mutual respect for each other and communicate.
9 years and we don’t fight. We have before, but it’s been years and it’s only happened a few times. Now we know each other well enough to know when to compromise, what’s worth hashing it out over, when to just let it go because it’s not actually important. We just talk to each other like adults. We have “tiffs” every few months that last maybe 10 minutes. But it’s been a long time since we’ve actually argued.
Except for how dolphins evolved. This is now a taboo topic. This conversation makes me want to throw him out a window.
Looking at you, Tyler Durden
I was in one of those marriages for 11 yrs. We were sickeningly polite to each other for the first 4 yrs. Then once we got married the quiet control became louder. But we still never fought.
It’s was toxic as fuck and he turned out to be a covert narcissist who had set up the entire relationship to play out where he was the great guy boy next door who would never be mean or hurtful and I was the toxic bitch who was controlling. The reality, he would never deal with any difficult shit and left that up to me. So of course I appeared to be that way but only because he left me no choice.
Fight and argue is not the same as disagree about something. We don’t fight. We grew up in homes where there was one pretty authoritative and at least partially controlling person. We both like that neither of us try to order each other something to do, of we dislike something, we usually nicely tell each other “please don’t do this again, it is unpleasant/triggering for us”. And you know what? We respect each other enough either not to do it again. Or find compromise. We don’t stop each other from doing our hobbies. If one wants to chat and another doesn’t- we either compromise for limited time listening, or don’t take offense and go do our thing. If I can’t stand my SO music? I don’t shout on him for always listening it. I grab my own noise canceling headphones, or ask them to use their own.
We both are tired of need to fight to be accepted. We understand that people have different wants, needs and likes and we do not force them onto each other. Because we got that forced on us.
My third marriage, his second. We had just shy of 40 years before Parkinson’s intervened. We were each other’s “other half.” The only “rule” we had was whoever felt most strongly about a matter prevailed. We had discussions, but never what I’d call an argument. It worked out evenly, even when dealing w/ step-kids and former spouses. We cared more about each other than about winning. Sorry some of you find the idea “terrifying,” I’ll never stop missing him.
My parents never fought. I mean that literally. They never fought. Difference is, that they also never felt the need to proclaim that they “never fought.” Having to tell people is the real red flag.
My boyfriend and I don’t fight. Do we disagree on things? Yeah, all the time. But we communicate with each other in a productive way. We don’t call each other names, we never say “fuck you” or things of that nature. If one of us has a problem we go “hey baby can we talk about something?” And we both turn our attention towards each other and talk it out, like goddamn adults. If one of us is in the wrong, we apologize sincerely and adjust our behavior. It’s really not hard, and a lot of the relationships I observe around me are honestly total dumpster fires of people who should not be with each other. Like ffs go to therapy, we did and it’s been wonderful. (Individually, not couples counseling)
We have disagreements but we don’t fight we just take space and figure out how to talk about it in a healthy way, compromise and move forward
Ya, married for 22 years, seem like we never fight to most, but we definitely do.
🎵So no one told you that the comments would go this way🎶 👏👏👏👏👏
I used to agree with you. Then I met my now husband. After years of dating and no fights I took him to counseling to figure out wtf was wrong with us, fighting is normal and healthy and yet we never fought. Sometimes I get a bit irritated with him but it goes away quickly. 12 years and still no fights.
Yes!
I always get excited when someone claims not to, or that they dream of some argument less ltr.
We are human, and have to see each other as such.
Disappointments are a part of life, and they do not have to be negative.
I hope that I find someone that I argue well with.
Efficiently. Even if it has to be put on hold, we can finish the discussion feeling heard respected and valued by our partner.
Fights are misunderstandings/mistakes, if two people love each other then love of two is more than mistake of one.
My husband and I never fought. Or talked. SO I was really surprised when he left me.
I don’t fight with my partner.
I grew up with parents who yelled, who threw things, who gave each other the silent treatment, who argued and never resolved things ( who only let it go until things calmed down and seemed normal again)
I grew up walking on eggshells fairly often. I’m not doing that as a 40 year old woman a long-term relationship.
I always told myself that I would not do any of those things if I ever got into a relationship with someone, and I don’t. I don’t do any of those things. I’ve never raised my voice, I don’t give him the silent treatment about anything, we calmly discuss things we might disagree on, sometimes there are hurt feelings, but there’s no fighting. There is no need to fight if you are in a mature relationship.
My husband and I don’t fight. Do we have disagreements? Sure. But we sit down and discuss them like grown adults.
I use to say that.
I agree with you.
I am married now, but we had to fight a lot lol
Its all relative.
What matters is why you are fighting and the frequency of the same issues.
Some people do not feel they are in a relationship without some level of discomfort or challenges.
Some people have known each other long enough so there is no intellectual conflicts.
i bicker and nag my boyfriend, but it’s never serious. if we are genuinely upset with each other, say in a car ride, we talk it out, sit silent for an hour, then talk it out more and eventually apologise or agree to disagree. i love my boyfriend with every morsel of my being, and he loves me with every fiber of his soul. despite him being chronically tired, only like 8 things picky eater, and a grade A procrastinator, and i a dense, mischievous, anxious goober- we work it out.
Eh. Ive been with my husband for 10 years now and we’ve literally never fought. We both had shitty first marriages to crazy or selfish people and went through a lot and we both had a lot of growing up that got done in a hurry. As a result, we both know what we want, and we are both very chill people (because of all the chaos in our pasts), and we just…dont freak about every little thing. Whenever I make a decision, I think about how it affects us, not just me or just him. And he does the same. We respect each other and we listen to each other and we communicate openly and often. I always thought that when people said “relationships are hard work” that they were right. But, for me, the right relationship isnt work at all. Its the easiest and most amazing part of my life.
This just sounds like disfuntional relationship cope…
Obviously all coupes have dissagreements.. but you talk them out not yell scream and kick.
How’s this for a hot take… Couples that fight every other day are immature and toxic af.
Got to call bullshit on this. I’ve been with my husband now for nine years and I don’t think we’ve ever fought. We both have hobbies and interests, we both have different views on things but we also:
A) try not to come at things with ego (I don’t try and convince him, he doesn’t try and convince me, we’re trying to find common ground/an outcome we’re both happy with)
B) the goal when someone else is hurt is to understand why and avoid it happening again
C) we both care more about being happy than being right (and infinitely more about the other person being happy than being right)
D) we’re actually compatible
E) We’re always a team. Always. If he’s upset me, I tell him, he tells me, and we don’t are AT ALL about whether it’s reasonable, or rational or whatever. The most important thing is we both feel heard, cared for, loved and SAFE. We talk it out until we find out what’s underneath it with patience.
F) we always assume best intentions
G) if someone seems snappy the other gets them a snack, a drink, and suggest they rest. I cannot believe how many arguments paying attention to when someone last ate has avoided.
Life is hard, love shouldn’t be. We’ve gone through a bushfire six days after I moved in, both parents having cancer during COVID, chronic illness, renovations, flood, loss, the whole gambit. Hell, at one point we changed our mind about never getting married and decided to do it.
And while that all sounds Too Rational and not romantic? Our friends and family all cried at our wedding. We’re so mushy that we’ve decided one lifetime isn’t long enough to love each other, so we’re coming back as otters because they mate for life and fall asleep holding hands. He hand makes my birthday cards even though cards seem silly to him because they mean something to me.
I tell him every day how lucky I am, and he tells me it’s no less than I deserve.
Define “fight”? My husband and I have disagreements but we don’t yell at each other, curse at each other (we both curse but we curse about objects and situations, we don’t curse AT one another), call each other ugly names, slam doors or storm out. We attack the problem, not each other.
My husband and I never really fight.
But we both grew up with parents where a fight meant screaming the house down, threats of violence etc.
We do have disagreements. We do talk about them calmly. We do sometimes have moments of frustration where we shout, but we are good at de-escalating and trying to work on things.
When people ask we say “we don’t fight”. Because our definition of fight is probably 100x worse than most people’s. Instead we say “we managed conflicting opinions.”
My wife and I rarely fight, the last “real” fight we had was before COVID. Don’t remember what it was about, but definitely remember how it made me feel, and it wasn’t great. We might slightly bicker or tease each other, but nothing really serious.
It’s bull crap
Assuming both parties are adults I don’t really see why you should ever get into a fight?
My partner and I have disagreements, or we did things the other didn’t like.
Now you can fix that by yelling and fighting. Or you can be a adult and have a grown up discussion.
People who think couples should be fighting scare me, because they’ve never managed to deal with their emotions without lashing out at others.
Me and my wife doesn’t fight, we can argue but we don’t yell at each other.
My (43f) husband and I had the closest thing to a fight we’ve ever had in 6 years yesterday. We were watching Supernatural and I asked if it was the one with the Big Bad asking Sam how he was even alive (just finished the Trials on the Demon Tablet) and he replied with the “Dean just wants the truth” episode already happened. Then we both, at the same time said, “we’ll find out in 20 minutes or so” and dropped it.
It turned out i was right which he acknowledged first.
That is the extent of any of our “fights”. We sat down, before we had even been together a week, and talked about EVERYTHING that we could think might possibly cause a fight and we’ve been on the same page since then. We met at the local game store playing Dungeons and Dragons and we genuinely love enough of the same things that Home Life is easy, calm, and positive.
I’m used to confusing (and, apparently, slightly frightening) people because I have the same kind of relationship with my younger sister who is 3 years younger than me… That’s a whole other kettle of fish rooted in childhood trauma
Me and my missus never fought. We were best friends. We both loved the shit out of each other, it was genuinely the highlight of my day seeing her, and her me. Hell the only time I’ve ever been mad at her is when she died.
Still not forgiven her for that one.
My ex-husband was proud that we never fought. I was not able to stand up to him. We had a prenuptial agreement that he used like a weapon. Any disagreement no matter how small and he would remind me that he could kick me out.
Once I was able to leave him, I did. He acted so shocked. Our marriage counselor explained to him that the only power I had in the relationship was the one he could not legally take away. The ability to leave
option 4. they have conversations and act like adults
We don’t fight. We never let it get that far. Everyone will disagree of time to time. Everyone one has bad days. The goal is to communicate. Before things become a fight. Or you start taking your bad day out on the other person. Because we communicate beforehand, we don’t fight.
I’m one of those we never fight people. When I say that I mean we don’t yell and scream, hold our position to the bitter end, silent treatment kind of things. Yes, we have disagreements and we talk about it calmly and rationally. We negotiate. We compromise.
My wife and I never fight, but we’re just a really compatible, older lesbian couple. When we disagree we talk about it like two grownups. If we’re feeling crabby, we take a breather and come back to it when we can be reasonable. We’ve only been married for 10 years, though; maybe we haven’t found a good reason to shriek at each other yet.
You can disagree and have a civil conversation without it descending into a fight
We never fight. Do we disagree yes, we talk it out never yelling because we’re adults. Were to one to be yelled at.
I fight enough with my mother. Why would I fight with the one person who helps me heal from those fights? Me and him never fight aside from an ocassion me not sleeping argument
Arguing and fighting are very different. So are debating and two former. One is stating an opinion and comparing, one is both state an opinion and you go back and forth to work a compromise, and the final is when you both batter each other with your own wants until someone backs down. With that last one, fighting, at least one part is left feeling like they don’t matter and their desires aren’t worth considering. Debating is just sharing both opinions and comparing them. There shouldn’t be a won/lost depart in couples. They should end in “I see your point” and that leads to an argument or discussion, depending on how the debate left them feeling, and reaching a compromise they’re both happy with. Even arguing isn’t supposed to leave people feeling like shit.
Seventeen years together and never fought. Had a few disagreements along the way but that’s about it. In my mind if we fight we shouldn’t be together.
I don’t fight with my husband, and we are fine 😂 We have different opinions, we express them, we disagree with each other, but all of that without screaming, without being angry at each other, we just talk. We are two different people, of course we will disagree on things, but if you talk and listen to each other you can always reach a suitable conclusion.
My husband and I discuss issues like adults and come to a resolution. It helps that we agree on most things. Idk what to tell you
This sounds like cope for an abusive relationship. I don’t fight with my partner as we love each other and our kids and there is no source of conflict.
Most people who say this aren’t saying there is never discourse. We disagree often about big and little things. We don’t yell or cry trying to manipulate the other. We discuss. We might need to table it for a bit to calm down but not to stuff feelings. To move past the jumble of mad and hurt to see what is underlying and bring that to the table.