My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months now. We met online and from early on he knew I had tattoos (currently only one bigger piece on my arm and a few smaller ones), piercings and like to dye my hair “crazy” colors like pink and blue. I also told him that this is something I will continue to get in the future when I got the money to afford it. He also, from early on mentioned that he himself was interested in getting tattooed and I thought we could be inked baddies together. But when we became official and I mentioned ideas for future tattoos he started negatively commenting on it, saying it was a bad idea and how he preferred women who didn’t have tattoos or dyed their hair.
When he did mention his preferences I guess I started feeling unmotivated to get more, because I don’t want him to see me and my body as unattractive. And when I brought up wanting a piece on my rib cage for the first time I remember he really disliked that idea, saying he didn’t want me to get one because “it’d ruin my beautiful breasts” and said that the thought of a piece on my rib cage almost made him cry. He’s made it known to me that he’s okay with the idea of me getting tattooed on my arms and legs but still didn’t want my rib cage done.
I’ve told him that while I understand he has his preferences, I don’t like when he’s saying that he prefers women without tattoos and it makes me feel unattractive to him. I’ve tried telling him that tattoos is something I will get and that I’d prefer him to either say nothing about it or stay positive. All he said back was that he should be allowed to voice his opinions and despite what he’s saying he’s okay me getting them done on my arms and legs.
I’m someone who struggles a lot with anxiety and insecurities about my body and I’m looking for advice on how to stop feeling unattractive to my boyfriend about wanting to get tattoos, along with the ones I already have. Any insight from an inked person in a similar situation would be appreciated. How you think and handle potential negative emotions regarding getting tattoos your partner might not be thrilled about.
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You can break up with him.
This seems to me a lot like “I want a goth baddie” and when they ‘have’ one, they start ‘making her normal’ because it’s actually very embarrassing for them to be seen with alternative women :/
But that’s just my two cents
You have tattoos and dye your hair colours. He said he doesn’t like women with tattoos who dye their hair colours.
Take it from an older woman and her regrets, your joy does not live with this man. One reason is he isn’t into how you like to present yourself, a more important one is that he feels the need to tell you that. You can spend a few years being squished down into a version of yourself that feels acceptable to him, or you can say “F this dynamic, it’s making my anxiety worse, I want someone who is hell yes about me and my style”.
Get a boyfriend who doesn’t have issues with tattoos, then you’ll also not feel unattractive.
I mean, seriously he knew before who you are and how you look and that you might want more tattoos, if this is a dealbreaker for him, he should have said so and take the consequences.
Trying to gaslight/manipulate you into not getting them now is a shitty move on his side.
Your boyfriend started dating you knowing you’re a tattoo-loving girlie, and now he’s like, “Don’t be into what you’re obviously into, because I’m not into it.” Now you’re feeling “tolerated” when you should feel chosen, and that’s wack.
Imo, don’t put a man’s preferences over what you love and want for yourself. That’s a slippery slope, and if it ever ends (which it usually does), what you’ll probably regret the most is giving up aspects of yourself for…who? Some guy?
Finally, these types are usually so defensive and protective when they’re met with the same energy. Imagine asking him to give up or change something he loves. Would he be Mr. Sacrifice, or is the critique and control only going in one direction?
You dump the asshole.
He seems to be one of those guys who dates a woman he finds fierce and unique, and then enjoys slowly having her give up all those things for him.
No, he doesn’t get an opinion, and he doesn’t get to make you feel bad about your body. Why are you dating someone who lied to you at first?
7 months isn’t very log . Dump his ass and find someone who loves tattoos and dyed hair as much as you.
I saw this as someone who dated someone for too long who would make similar comments. Not worth it.
Date someone who likes you for who you are
Don’t change who you are for a man…it’s time to move on
He’s right that he’s allowed to express his opinions, but that doesn’t mean you have to obey an order.
My husband isn’t a huge fan when I shave my head bald but every few years I do because I love it. He still loves me and thinks I’m beautiful, it’s just not his favorite. I also don’t really like a beard but occasionally he’ll grow one because he likes it and I still love him and find him very handsome. We respect each other’s choices even if they aren’t our preference. It’s truly no big deal.
This dude is putting pressure on nonsense and that just isn’t right. Dump him and find someone who wants to let you be you.
Your body, your choice. Don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do with your body & don’t ever change yourself for a man. If he prefers women without tattoos & died hair then I suggest that you break up with him & let him find one without them rather than suppress yourself. It’s only been 7 months, let the jerk go. Celebrate your freedom by getting a badass rib tattoo.
I have 13 tattoos my husband has none . Had all but two before I met him , he is not a fan of them but has NEVER given me any negativity towards them . If he is like this now who knows what he will try to control down the road . IMO he is not the one for you .
You two are not compatible
Christ, why don’t these men just date women who are their actual “preferences” instead of trying to control women into their idea of attractive?
Women aren’t living dolls ffs
He is still with you right ?
So obviously you’re attractive to him , all he has mentioned to you is his likes and dislikes . If he is that shallow that a little art work somewhere else is a deal ender then maybe now you know what to do . How ever he has told you and maybe with time he will come around .
Good luck and I don’t think you have a huge issue just talk to the man please having opposites thoughts is what makes us human and attractive to each other if we were all the same we would have issues
He is not the one for you. Move on!
Are you aware that tattoos they now have found out cause cancer. There’s some kind of a metal in the paint or whatever it is I put on your arms and legs for a tattoo and they found out now that that contains quite a bit of metal so look it up if you can get more information if you look it up, but I’ve often wondered myself if when I see people that are covered from head to toe tattoos if they’re not concerned about that getting into the bloodstream, this is just my opinion, but I’ve seen some beautiful tattoos on people put on women to me and make them look more gruff more hard than feminine
End it now. He’s showing you his true colours. You were clear from the beginning. He made it seem like yall were on the same page. Now he’s saying he doesn’t like you for who you are. Hes trying to change you and make you feel small and manipulate you into what he wants. Leave now
You’re 21, do whatever the hell you want. This is a manipulation tactic. You’re better off leaving him in the dust and finding someone who likes you just the way you are.
If he is telling you he’s not attracted to women with tattoos and dyed hair, why did he reach out to you in the first place and made it serious?
You don’t have to change for him, if he doesn’t like you style. It’s his business, not yours.
Either he accept and loves you for who you are, or he breaks up with you.
He wants you to feel that way. Find someone who loves you, ALL of YOU!
So a much older guy told you what you wanted to hear to get you and then decided to start telling you what you should shouldn’t do. There’s reasons people his own age aren’t dating him and you’re finding them out.
Oh you’re young. I know 8 years isn’t a huge difference but 21 to 29 kind of feels very formative. And you have plenty of time to meet plenty of dudes who will be obsessed with you and everything you’ve got going on. Don’t let this guy tell you anything about how you should be. Don’t let him bully you into not being yourself because of his own hang ups. If he doesn’t like girls with tattoos and dyed hair then he doesn’t have to date one. But if he wants to date one, then he definitely isn’t allowed to say hurtful shit about it to you. I think even at 21, you know more about who you are than this 29 year old man baby knows about himself. Don’t let anyone extinguish your fire!
You leave him. We don’t stay with people with put out our flame. You want to be an inked, pink hair baddie? DO IT ! Love it. There’s plenty of guys out there who will support that! This guy showed you his red flags. It will only grt more controlling and abusive. You deserve genuine love
Probably shouldn’t be with an emotionally manipulative guy who feeds into your insecurities. A partner is supposed to do the opposite of that, really.
Darling, your boyfriend is showing what we call ‘Red flags’. Its toxic behaviour. The way he is treating you is called Gaslighting. It is done to make you feel ugly & insecure and to cause you pain and anxiety. Now before you think you have to defend him, please listen because every toxic person or narcissistic abuser follows this path.. At first they live everything about you, they think your tattoos are cool & exactly as you said, they tell you they are going to start getting them too… this is step 1, familiarising themselves with you so you feel accepted and understood. This in turn you go.. Omg, this guy is amazing! He is my soul mate and you lower your boundaries and throw yourself head first into this relationship… The problem though is that this is called ‘Love bombing’ Its step 1 on how to get a girl to fall in love with them and its a complete act… this perfect boyfriend doesn’t exist, its just a role they play to get you hooked. Once you are in love with who you think they are, then they start criticising you, all of the things they loved about you are now things they dont like, they are always things you cant change easily.. I promise you, every dismissive opinion ir comment thst is made over your appearance, your behaviour, your friends etc. Is designed to make you try harder and harder to be more attractive to him… You’ll do anything to get a glimpse of that original ‘perfect’ boyfriend.. the problem is, he doesnt exist… Eventually he will isolate you from everyone you love, tell you your friends aren’t welcome etc. Your views are stupid etc. Until eventually they break you… Believe me. You need to get away from this man sweetheart, get yourself happy within yourself.
Your story is identical to one my friends daughter went through… He told her after loving her tattoos that they were ugly etc. So she started laser therapy to get rid of them. It was incredibly painful & they need several sessions which are expensive.. You would think he would be happy right? No of course he wasnt! He was furious because he was losing this angle of control over her… When she was in pain from the laser he was awful to her, telling her she was even more stupid for doing this… after a couple of sessions when the tattoos were really patchy and looking awful, he went on and on about the cost of them, he made sure that she couldn’t afford them… Out of desperation she found a cheap place to go to and got burned and needed hospital treatment… I think it was on her 3rd week of having it dressed when he told her how disgusting she was with her burnt weeping arm & she broke.. Her mom came and got her and took her back home… a few weeks later that guy was showing off an arm sleeve he’d had done on social media… My friend was arranging for her daughter to see a plastic surgeon over her scar..
Please get away from this man, he will hurt you darling xx
My ex told me not to tattoo my throat or hell leave. I tattooed my throat. You only live once!
Men who dictate what you can and cannot do with your body will start small but will always get worse as you give in. Eventually he won’t let you dye your hair and will police your clothes and maybe your weight. He will suck out all your joy. Is that what you want? Or do you want someone who genuinely loves the things that make you happy and encourages you? Those people exist, I promise.
Stop dating people who see you as a “How to turn this woman to be MY ideal wife” – project.
He didn’t just randomly start disliking colorful hair and tattoos. He never liked them. He just said so to get you hooked.
If he doesn’t like tattoos he always has the option of looking for another girlfriend. You do you.
He shouldn’t date someone who’s not his type. He likes women with no tattoos and no hair dye, that’s not you. And thank god it’s not, because he’s a jerk, why is he dating you if all he’s gonna do is bring you down. Weirdo. You deserve better. Some men like to shatter their girls self esteem and that’s exactly what he’s doing.
“he preferred women who didn’t have tattoos or dyed their hair”
Then he doesn’t get to be with a woman who has tattoos and dyes her hair and then moan and whine about them!! If he loved you, he’d accept you are you are and would support your wishes.
This guy isn’t for you, he’ll continue to whine & moan about tattoos or dyed hair, all while dragging you down!
It’s your body, so your choice of where you get tattooed or what colour you dye your hair. You will be a lot happier with a guy who accepts you for who you are, tattoos and hair dye included. Life is too short to be mithered by a guy like him.
signed – a heavily tattooed woman who often dyes her hair crazy colours!
It’s been seven months. Dating is not a forever contract. The point of dating is to find out if you’re compatible long term. He’s telling you to your face that you are not compatible. So dump his ass. It’s really that easy. In the grand scheme of things you’re unlikely to even remember you dated this idiot by the time you’re 30 if you dump him now. Find somebody who thinks your tattoos are hot as hell and will hold your hand through your next session.
7 months in, plus he’s 8 years older than you. You are also very young. He is exploiting your youth to try to change you into his idea of who you should be. He is not interested in what you actually want. It’s not about that tattoos, it’s about him testing the limits of what he’s able to make you do, and to make you feel insecure about your body in order to keep the upper hand in the relationship.
NONE of this is healthy.
Dump the jerk. Get your tattoos. Enjoy your body and your life on your terms.
You are sitting there letting this man lie to you and eat away at your self esteem. Forget being attractive for that POS. You do thinks that make you feel attractive for you. Dump this loser before he can try more co trol tactics.
This is the beginnings of abuse. Girl, he is almost 30 and you’re just starting your 20s. He specifically wanted to date you because you are young and he views you as an easy target he can “mold into the perfect partner”. But let me tell you a secret: he will never be satisfied and will constantly move the goalpost on what things he is complaining about. This is a guy who said he was okay with you being you then changed his mind. I dated SO MANY of these guys before I finally recognized that I was tired of diminishing myself for a guy who didn’t actually care about me, and I set standards and boundaries. I’d also like to say that this is not your fault. He pulled a bait and switch on you. But now that he has shown you who he is, believe him, and leave for him lying to you for the duration of your relationship. It will only get worse from here.
There is no magic thing you can say or do that will change your boyfriend’s mind about this. He will only get more controlling, as he’s already demonstrated. You’re already changing who you are for this man by not getting the rib cage tattoo.
Do you really want to spend your early 20s with a man who doesn’t appreciate every fiber of your being? These are your best years, so I say get all of the tattoos and dye your hair because there’s someone out there who likes all of it and all of you. It’s just not this guy.
I dated a guy who wanted an alt girl. I had piercings, dyed hair, tattoos, wore plaid, fishnets, spikes. He didn’t like my music. He accused me going to concerts to be hit on by other other guys. He said my taste in music was stupid and I was stupid for liking it.
Do not let this man’s insecurities project on you.
People are allowed to have preferences but they are not allowed to treat you like crap about. You dont have to find yourself another alt guy, but find yourself a guy that compliments you instead of being negative about your appearance in any way. Youre so young, I was your age when I dated this “normy” and it was a waste of my time being the subject of jealousy and insecurities. You will find someone who compliments you instead of making you feel bad for liking what you do.
Girl, find you a nice tatted man who finds tats sexy. My husband got me into tattoos, and he loves them. He loves touching them and looking at them. I can’t imagine having my full leg sleeve, 2 medium back tattoos, and a man who thought they were unattractive.
You can’t just erase them, and he should have been up front with you. He should have told you he doesn’t think women should have tattoos from the start so you could have dropped him sooner. He sounds shady to me
>I’m looking for advice on how to stop feeling unattractive to my boyfriend
Get a different boyfriend.
But seriously, your BF is cruel and (imo) manipulative. He knew who you were when you got together. What’s the first thing he does? Tells you a thing about you that you can’t change is unattractive to him. He continues to harp on it. A rib tattoo would make him cry? Please. This is so deeply bullshit, the reddest of flags. The tattooed, pink-haired canary in the coalmine. It’s a means of breaking you down, chipping away at your self-esteem to bind you to him. From the tattooed, wild-haired future you I beg you, get away from him before he adds more baggage to your load.
There are folks out there who are dying to be with someone exactly like you, who will love and desire you for exactly who you are and exactly how you look. (And who are closer to your own age and life stage!)
That age gap is nuff said they go after such young people to control them
Baby you are barely starting your adulthood. Please leave that old miserable man alone. Just like he can voice his opinions .. you can drop him like a bad habit based on those opinions. Im 29 as well and i was bamboozled by a lot men who would say they like this or that and then once you get together that suddenly changes . Pls run far far away.