I can’t seem to shake feelings for this person, and it’s driving me insane. I am beginning therapy next month, and I hope to get some closure and peace… but tonight I’m lost and felt compelled to turn here.
I (33F) met a man (47M) online last August. We’ll call him Anthony, and call myself Marie. There was an instant connection, and we fell fast. Month 2 he sent for me to come see him… he was a gentleman and covered everything and showed me an amazing time. We both felt “this is it”. Words and actions were aligning.
Anthony has the tendency to raise his voice during minor disagreements. I am a passive woman, and even more so when in relationship with someone. So I never yelled back. The yelling caused me to try to break it off twice, but I obviously went back. He said he’d calm down.
Here’s where I screwed up. I had a phone conversation with his ex girlfriend and she made some serious claims of domestic violence. I believed her because of his yelling. I confronted him about it and he was irate. He told me I betrayed him and pretty much stopped talking to me.
Over the course of the following months, I tried my hardest to win back his trust. We’d have phone conversations about our feelings, and he’d say it’s going to take time to rebuild trust, how will he know it won’t happen again, it’s dangerous for him if I do stuff like that, etc. I kept trying to reassure him. He’d cry and ask me why I did that to him, and why I participated in tarnishing his name. To be transparent, Anthony was once married and had the same claims made against him during the divorce. What I did made him feel he couldn’t trust me.
One night during a phone conversation, he hung up on me to take another call. I asked him, and sure enough he was in a new relationship. He never told me a thing all of those months. What followed was even worse… conversations about how he doesn’t trust her or see a future, how he wound up in the relationship because of loneliness, and I foolishly entertained it because of my strong desire to get back together. I couldn’t see anything other than the moments we shared and the future we both (seemingly) wanted at a point.
So this entire time, I’m thinking we’re going to get back together. I’m thinking he’ll realize he doesn’t want to be with her and miss what we had since he’s calling me all the time, right?
Well I saw him very recently at a venue and after questioning him, I found out that he is moving in with her. After claiming me in public and not allowing other men to speak to me, being charming, and all that extra stuff.
I am devastated. I KNOW I led myself on and I KNOW I don’t deserve this. I’ve been kind and patient, and apologetic towards him. He couldn’t even give me honesty. I’m so hurt. I just can’t seem to move past it. I keep wishing he’d call and say sorry and it isn’t true or something.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. Please tell me I’ll find someone again and I shouldn’t put myself through this. I’m nice, I’m hard working, I’m a single mom, and I’m pretty. How could I not see that I don’t deserve this, and WHY do I STILL want him even as I type this?
TLDR; We were involved, but he is now dating someone new and moving in with her while trying to hide it from me. I spent months trying to get back together and he led me on. I can’t let go of my desires for what we had and could’ve had. How do I get over him?
Comments
Sounds like you had an intense year. You’ll need some time to process. Just remember what he’s like at the end, not the character he played in the beginning.
I can literally sense through the phone that you’re leagues better than him. After that situation with his ex, the fact that instead of reassuring you, he immediately spiralled into self defence, is really telling. He seems very insecure and fragile, which is tragic given he’s reached the midlife point. I think you still have time to meet somebody nice who doesn’t yell at you.
Look if a guy has had multiple women claim he’s abusive (and he has), and shows controlling and manipulative behaviour (which he does) then you’ve dodged a major fucking bullet.
Why would you stay when you first heard that he was abusive to his ex? You claim you believed her. Why wasn’t that enough to put you off him? I think this is something you should talk about with your therapist. Why do you love yourself so little that you were chasing after an abuser?
It’s tough, but you deserve someone who respects and values you. Focus on healing, rediscover your passion, and keep moving forward. Therapy will help, and you will find someone who treats you the way you deserve