I feel that I really need external validation to feel confident and I don’t really get any of that anyway which is probably why I feel so insecure and self conscious all the time. Right now I’m at an all time low. I feel the worst I’ve ever felt about myself not just about how I look but about who I am as a person too. For reference, I am 30 years old. I know this is going to sound awful but I feel like I’ve actually let myself go. I’m overweight (currently at 177 and I’m about 5’5). I do try to do exercise and I try to eat healthy but I still stay the same weight or even gain weight sometimes.
At this point, I have given up regarding my weight as I used to have an eating disorder and I don’t want to go back to that. It’s always been hard for me to lose weight.
Anyway, I’m rambling now… what can I do to feel confident and rely on myself to build that confidence and not on others? Also. I realize I should delete social media (I only use tiktok). I feel like everyone on there looks better than me even the people my age or older, so it doesn’t help my self-esteem at all. My family also treats me differently because I’ve “let myself go” and I know that’s not okay but it is what it is. People are shallow. What can I do? How can I be confident? How can I feel confident when I have ZERO confidence and never had any to begin with…
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This may be an unpopular opinion on here, but I do think everybody needs external validation to some extent. You just have to be judicious about where you find it and how much of it you rely on.
In your case, you might feel better if you focused less on the number on the scale and more on what you can do with your body, as there’s so much pride to be found in being strong and hale and capable. Beyond that, there are people who find overweight people attractive so I would accept that you may not be for everyone (and nobody is for everyone, not even Margot Robbie), but you absolutely do have your audience. So, do your best health-wise (not aesthetics wise, but also not totally giving up on yourself) but also find your audience and work within those parametres.
Beyond that, we’re so much more than our looks “even” as women. If I put all of my eggs in the looks basket I might (personally) well have keeled over by age 30, you know? Luckily, I have other areas that attract external validation – and then of course there’s my fundamental self-esteem, but even with that I’m not too proud to acknowledge that I’d be pretty fucking sad if I zero social status whatsoever. So, yeah – if looks aren’t your calling card then shift the focus onto your other attributes. Often it helps to know and accept (as well as celebrate!) what is in your wheelhouse and mostly let go of what simply isn’t.
If your home makes you feel pretty and makes you want to do well for yourself, it will help a lot.
It’s silly but stuff like quality kitchenware (2nd hand please), new bedsheets, clean and fitting clothes, a clean surrounding, etc. Truly help a lot.
“Romanticize your surrounding” so it serves your purpose.
> I try to eat healthy
Prep overnight oats with high-protein yogurt, but add slices of frozen mangos and little berries on top. This makes every single breakfast feel luxurious, and barely costs you any more time.
I prep mine with fresh or unfrozen berries, and make it pretty with a bit of hemp seeds and cute unfrozen mango slices on top. It’s magic how much the mango helps!
Just make your basic foods pretty, it works wonder!
For me it’s 2 things – 1) I feel lots of confidence thanks to my achievements. I do creative stuff that some people seem to like, and I own a cool business, which always makes me feel good about myself, even when my hormones decide it’s puberty again baby and here’s a bunch of pimples to make this week extra special lol. 2) looks-wise, I focus on things that are within my control. I have my own style that I love, every piece of clothing in my wardrobe makes me feel great, even when I know I should lose some extra pounds. I dye my hair fun colors, I have tattoos that I love. I’d wear fun makeup if I weren’t lazy af. Signed, a former ugly duckling with decades of zero confidence.
Thank you for this post bc i don’t feel alone
I am a lifelong confident person, minus a blip when I fell for a narcissist. I self validate. And I only listen to positive external validation and ignore insults and slights. Not to say that I don’t take constructive criticism, I totally do. I also don’t compare myself to others.
I’d say do more self care. I can explain why. Think of those we caretake- babies and pets. We do a lot for them and don’t get anything material back, just love. But people love babies and pets above all else. The reason is because we’ve put so much work into them. We value what we built. So, build yourself, you’ll value yourself more.
I feel like a broken record but doing things and traveling by yourself is a cheat code. A lot of confidence is built by putting yourself in situations where you dont feel confident and then surviving, perhaps even enjoying it
I think it came down to one day I just decided I hated picking at myself and that I was going to stop doing that.
For context, I have partial facial paralysis due to a nerve condition I had two years ago. Almost killed me, but Im still kicking. I think it helped that I just accepted I didn’t like that part of my face doesn’t work right. But that’s okay, there are a lot of other things about me I like aside from the what I look like. I’m confident about other things, cause those things are great. I’m a whole person, not just a face. No one and I mean NO ONE is perfect, everyone has flaws. I like to focus on the good parts of me, not the ones I don’t like.
I would recommend setting a hard boundary for anyone that makes negative comments for you. Your family saying those things to you is not okay. There are people who will value you because of what you’ve been through and who you are NOW. Hang out with those people more.
Also therapy. You have to fill your own cup so you don’t need others to help you.
I hate that weight gain automatically = letting oneself go and I’m really sorry your family is treating as such. Your body is allowed to change and people gain and lose weight for so many reasons. Healing from an eating disorder is tough and learning to accept your body is even tougher. In your situation working with a therapist is always best but if you don’t have access or the means, try looking into some self help books or work on becoming more self aware and journal your thoughts and feelings about yourself and try to figure out why you feel this way. Take baby steps. You don’t have to love your body but you could start by trying to be more neutral about specific areas on it.
The thing that helped me to be confident in myself was setting my sights on something that was meaningful and “big” for me and then accomplishing it.
But ngl. I also got a lot of external validation for it and that was also huge for me. I don’t think we can perfectly deprogram ourselves from caring about what others think. I think we add unnecessary anxiety/self-loathing to our psyches when we try to be perfect in this way.
That said, I think there’s a difference between coming up with goals that are meaningful to us, that we believe will take us on a journey of self-discovery and growth even if they aren’t achieved 100%…versus coming up with goals that other people think are important, that we don’t necessarily care about, that will just make us feel like shit if we fall short.
Like, I got my Ph.D. Yay, right? But I felt like shit afterwards because I almost flunked my dissertation. I was given a “pity” pass. I was told my research was hot garbage. Still, having the credential should have made me feel confident in myself. But I just felt like an imposter. This is because earning a Ph.D wasn’t really a meaningful accomplishment for me. I thought it was at the time, of course. But I was just kind of doing something because I thought that’s what I was “supposed” to do.
In contrast, recently I went from believing I was too clumsy to run to running two miles a day, just for fun. Running two miles a day is no big feat, especially at my pace. But getting to this point is super impressive to me–a person who spent 45 years thinking that she wasn’t coordinated enough to do something like that. After my runs, I feel like I can move mountains. I like when people compliment me on my trim physique. So I do dig external validation. But even if I didn’t get that validation, I would still do my runs because I love how empowered they make me feel.
So find something that empowers you. Don’t worry so much there’s a part of you who wants to “show them”. Just try to make the endeavor more about showing yourself than someone else.