My wife and I recently bought an apartment together. We both have good incomes, but as you can imagine, the initial costs (furnishing, renovations, etc.) are very high. I was mentally prepared to temporarily give up some comforts—luxuries, dining out, new clothes—just to get us through this period. My idea was to cut back until the end of the year so we could stabilize financially.
Currently, we’re paying both a mortgage and rent, plus utilities and other bills. From my end, I’ve tightened my budget to the essentials: bills, car expenses, rent, mortgage. I even skipped buying new shoes because I thought it could wait.
Meanwhile, my wife has started talking about how much she misses vacations, mentioned wanting a $500 pajama set, got Botox recently (even though she’s young and I personally think it’s unnecessary), and I see clothing packages arrive at our place weekly. When I finally brought up my concern about our spending and whether we’re equally committed to our shared financial goals, she told me she returns most of the clothes and only keeps a few things. She also said that as a woman, she won’t deprive herself of things she wants, and that none of it is very expensive.
She also told me to just buy shoes if I need them—they’re “only” $150—but to me, that’s not the point. I feel like I’m carrying the mental burden of trying to save, plan for a vacation for her, and keep things running, while assuming that her income should go toward renovations. She says it’s her money and doesn’t want me keeping tabs on it.
So I’m left wondering:
Am I being too stingy or controlling? Or is it fair to expect a bit more joint responsibility when we’ve just made a major financial commitment together?
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My wife and I recently bought an apartment together. We both have good incomes, but as you can imagine, the initial costs (furnishing, renovations, etc.) are very high. I was mentally prepared to temporarily give up some comforts—luxuries, dining out, new clothes—just to get us through this period. My idea was to cut back until the end of the year so we could stabilize financially.
Currently, we’re paying both a mortgage and rent, plus utilities and other bills. From my end, I’ve tightened my budget to the essentials: bills, car expenses, rent, mortgage. I even skipped buying new shoes because I thought it could wait.
Meanwhile, my wife has started talking about how much she misses vacations, mentioned wanting a $500 pajama set, got Botox recently (even though she’s young and I personally think it’s unnecessary), and I see clothing packages arrive at our place weekly. When I finally brought up my concern about our spending and whether we’re equally committed to our shared financial goals, she told me she returns most of the clothes and only keeps a few things. She also said that as a woman, she won’t deprive herself of things she wants, and that none of it is very expensive.
She also told me to just buy shoes if I need them—they’re “only” $150—but to me, that’s not the point. I feel like I’m carrying the mental burden of trying to save, plan for a vacation for her, and keep things running, while assuming that her income should go toward renovations. She says it’s her money and doesn’t want me keeping tabs on it.
So I’m left wondering:
Am I being too stingy or controlling? Or is it fair to expect a bit more joint responsibility when we’ve just made a major financial commitment together?
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Download a budgeting app (I use Monarch for $100/year, but plenty will work) and come up with hard numbers for your budget.
You need to talk to her and show her numbers. These are our essentials, this is for retirement etc.. and come up with a budget you both can agree on.
Your money, her money. It’s all you guys’ money together and it dosent matter who makes what you each get the same amount to spend on stuff.
But her comments about being a women and not depriving herself of what she wants… that’s a little concerning.
Get a budget and see if numbers, a plan, future financial situation and common sense can break her.
First step is always to stop what is not working. If your budget is tight and you are contributing more (percentage wise) to the joined expenses, reduce them to meet her contribution or explore options to cancel the deals that mandate the contributions. Also refuse any new payment obligations on your part – you feel unwell with the current balance already and that is reason enough to go no further down that path. This is not a “you’ll learn to like it” kind of situation like getting into exhausting gym sessions.
She can say every minute of the day how much she misses vacations. Thats fine. You just don’t need to be around every minute to hear her say it nor are you obligates to respond to it. People can feel whatever they want, adults just have to realize that their desire doesn’t mean that the rest of reality has to warp to cater to their wants.
>Am I being too stingy or controlling?
There are only 2 relevant answers to this: yours and hers – provided the goal is the continuation of your marriage. If you think that you are making a very important point about your financial safety, then no, you are not controlling or stingy (even more so if your balance sheet confirms your suspicion). If she thinks you are too overbearing with this whole finance stuff – thats okay. Workable compromise: You don’t need to control anything about her finances as long as you are not on the hook for her spending. Keep things separated and you will have to pay her spending habits no mind. Which may include doing a postnup.
In the past century you would have been obligated to let her spend what she wants whenever she wants but not today my friend. She is obligated just as you are to meet the financial needs of your young family. Other than that sorry to say but you got yourself a toxic one. You either put your foot down or be like this until you can’t take it any longer.
My solution in situations like that is to just drop the ball. Dont save, dont buy the furniture, dont do the renovations. Spend the money on yourself as she does. It works like a charm, i promise you.
Your wife is a child. This is the answer you’d expect from a 17 year old with dad’s credit card. She blew off everything you said. Your marriage is going to fail if you can’t get on the same page about this stuff. And I don’t think you’re wrong.
The way you’ve worded it makes me assume your finances are wishy washy combined-ish. That’s not going to work.
You’re either together, which means budgeting together and deciding how much to spend and save on specific categories together. It means sitting down as a unit and agreeing on your spending plans with some give and take. You don’t get to dictate the budget to her one-sided, but you do get to tell her your fears regarding money at the moment. If she cares about you, she should want to make you feel safe.
If you’re separate, and decide on an amount to put into a joint account to cover housing costs, then you have to accept that she’ll do whatever the hell she likes with the rest of her money. You don’t get to judge. Nor she you.
The data shows the first setup leads to better financial success for couples, but it also requires more strong communication and work.
Sounds like you need to start withholding money from renovations… If she’s the sort of person who needs luxuries in life, she’ll notice quickly.
That being said, her attitude is very clearly “My money is my money, but your money is our money”. This should’ve been obviously before marriage and before buying a property jointly.
If she’s able to hold up her end, I think it’s ok for her to spend some money.
“She also said that as a woman, she won’t deprive herself of things she want”. That sounds sexist.
This is something you plan.
When you save for something, you discuss how much each of you has to contribute each month to that goal, make a separate account and make sure you’re both paying your share each month.
Never be vague about money.
It is her money and isn’t your business. If there is anything you need to save jointly for – renovations, vacations, etc. – then you can open a joint account and only deposit the same amount of money each time into the account. Tag it to only use for joint expenses. List what those expenses are. Be specific.
So it comes down to this.
You have the core financial responsibilities you are both obligated to cover mortgage, taxes, bills, etc. If she is carrying her load on those then there is not much you can say. If she is not carrying her side of the load on those you absolutely can say something.
In this situation she is correct. If she earned the money its hers and she can spend it however she likes. Just like your money is yours and you can do the same.
“Joint responsibility” does not mean she has to spend her money on whatever you unilaterally decide is important.
Just match her dollar for dollar and halt all of your other spending. Tell her that as a man you won’t deprive yourself.
If she means what she’s saying and is fair she won’t care at all. I’m guessing she’ll care.