I don’t know if this is the best place to post this, but I’m hoping to get some advice.
I moved from South Asia to North America when I was 18. I’ve always had low confidence and consider myself on the nerdy/geeky side. Around the age of 22, I developed some unhealthy habits to cope with loneliness — temporary escapes that ultimately made it harder for me to build genuine relationships (such as going to massage parlors). Over time, I noticed my ability to socialize — especially with women — started to decline.
Until last year, I had never been in a relationship or even dated. My friends tried to help by taking me to clubs and music festivals, but I always struggled. I tend to freeze up when I try to approach women, and it feels like there’s a mental block. I can hold conversations when it’s someone already in my social circle, but I don’t encounter many women in my daily life.
I’ve asked the few female friends I have for feedback, and they mostly said I lack social skills. That might be true, but I also feel like my looks contribute — I’m 5’8″, around 190 lbs, and I’ve had a sedentary lifestyle for years. My self-esteem has definitely taken a hit, and it’s affected my mental health too.
Recently, I’ve started working on myself. I’m going to the gym more regularly and have started doing cardio (45 minutes twice a week). I know losing 30 pounds will take a year or more, and I’m okay with that — I just want to stay consistent.
I was in a brief relationship last year that ended partly because of my poor social skills. That really made me realize how important it is to improve in that area.
So my questions are:
- How can I genuinely improve my social skills, especially around women?
- How can I rebuild my confidence?
- Any tips for staying on track with fitness or managing the mental side of physical transformation?
Any advice or shared experiences would mean a lot.
Thanks in advance.
Comments
Remember that women are people. That’s the first thing.
A lot to fix based on what I’ve read but I’m glad you are trying, that is the biggest thing now you just gotta commit to it.
First thing we can fix is our personality and confidence. You can build confidence by being honest with yourself and others.
And I’m going to be 100% honest with you, women don’t care if you’re nerdy or geeky. Be self aware and, very importantly, honest with yourself. If you’re a nerd and you know it, own it. Having niche interests like star wars or anime or warhammer or harry potter isn’t a bad thing at all. Don’t be weird about them and make them your whole personality, but own it. I promise you that the right woman will find your interest in whatever attractive, no matter what it is.
You’ll become more confident since you’re presenting things about yourself that you’re genuinely interested in. Work on doing this and then apply that same idea genuine interest to women you meet. You can be more confident with a girl if you’re genuinely interested in her and not just piqued by her body.
The next thing to fix is the way you look. Breathing is probably the most important thing followed by your neck and then your feet.
I think something like 70-80% of the mass you lose is through breathing. Literally every single one of the actions you take produce carbon dioxide and you get rid of that gaseous waste by breathing. The more you do, the more you’ll breathe and the more weight you’ll naturally lose without even having to work out. Always breathe with your nose and your face will start looking better, and for bonus points you can look up how to mew and stuff like that. Looksmaxing, ironically, does work if you get past the jokes and the misinformation.
And you definitely want to lean out and put on muscle. So lower those calories and track that protein. The most basic rule of thumb- 1 gram of protein per ten calories in the food you eat and 1 gram of protein for every pound in your body. If you can get 200 grams of protein in just 2000 calories every single day, you’ll start visibly leaning out in a month and in just a few you’ll be way more confident with your body. In a few years you’re a greek god.
With your physical transformation, honesty with yourself is just as important as it is for your social one. Dont lie to yourself. “I can get away with eating this” is a big one. If you have to justify it by anything other than the rule of thumb I mentioned, you shouldnt do it and you know it. You also know you cant just pick eating right or working out, you have to do both every day and youre lying to yourself if you say anything other than that.
Maybe its also time for a new job. Idk what you do now, but something that gets you on your feet could be good to look for. Wash dishes or bus tables, or sign up to be a youth soccer coach. It could be good for you to get exposed to a more active job, especially if it’ll put you in situations where you’ll end up interacting with people.
Stop using porn and seeing women like a mysoginist from a 90s comedy. You’re not getting with a slutty bombshell babe that can’t stop thinking about sucking dick.
Make female friends, and spend time with women while not trying to be cool and ohh soo fuckable. Dancing classes are 100% guaranteed to get over yourself while also improving empathy and comfort with physical touch.