My husband shared his feelings on something with me today and it made me feel just horrible. He said that he doesn’t feel like I appreciate him or all the hard work he does, especially when he is dealing with me when I’m emotional. He said that he wishes I would lift him up, but I only ever point out when he’s doing something wrong. This came as a shock to me, as I developed a habit of regularly saying, unprompted, things like, “I love you so much! Thank you for doing x,y, & z today. Thanks for all your hard work.” I fawn over him occasionally, making sure he has water and snacks and sunscreen when he goes to his outside job all day. I make sure to keep the house as clean as I am able (I have a chronic pain disorder so it’s challenging sometimes), I make sure all of his laundry is folded & organized, I buy him food, I’m even paying off his new car (admittedly it’s out of guilt, I accidentally totaled his old car). I pitch in extra money when he needs help with rent, I pay the rest of the bills, and when I have extra money, I plan elaborate trips to go see our favorite hockey team together or go camping somewhere he’s always wanted to go. He has never planned out a trip for us. I keep lists of things he says he needs or wants in passing so I know just what to get him for his birthday or Christmas. These are all of the things I’ve thought of that could show him my appreciation. But I realized that all the above is just the bare minimum that I should be doing in a relationship. Aside from writing physical thank you letters and leaning into acts of service (things I already do), what can I, as a wife, genuinely do to actually make my beloved husband think I am grateful for him?
How Can I Make My Husband Feel More Appreciated?
r/Advice
Comments
Have you asked him?
What is it that he does for you?
Why are you folding a grown man’s laundry?
This is satire right? Please tell me its satire🤦🏼♀️
If he doesn’t feel appreciated by all that and then some then he’s a worthless wuss who doesn’t want to be married to you anyway
Hey you’re doing better than my ex, she called me a pussy for trying to talk to her about this. It sounds like you’re already doing a lot of good? From the outside you seem like you’re doing way more than enough. I see you have already talked to him, it sounds like the ball is in his court.
I agree with the other commenters, you’re already doing a lot. From everything you’ve shared, you don’t come across as unappreciative at all. If there’s something specific he wants, he should be able to communicate it directly instead of leaving you to guess. And I truly hope he’s taking the time to show you appreciation too.
I won’t lie, reading your post was a little triggering—because honestly, you sound like a good, thoughtful partner. So it’s hard not to wonder… what more does he want? And I say this gently, but have you considered whether this could be a form of manipulation? Sometimes, when someone isn’t getting their way—especially in a controlling dynamic—they flip the script to make you feel like you’re the problem to guilt you into giving even more…
You seem to be doing plenty. Maybe it’s a case of he would like random bunch of flowers every now and then. Not necessarily actual flowers, I used to my ex beef jerky every now then, something he loved as treat but wouldn’t buy it for himself. Maybe it’s a case of feeling wanted rather than needed. One time for an ex I made a jar full of notes that reasons I loved him written on them, like his smile made me smile and some corny stuff, but stuff that made him feel wanted rather than needed, focusing on him rather than what he does or what he provides. Or could be case of depression, maybe there’s something going on that he’s not told you about.
Look into love languages.
Yours is clearly “acts of service ” but his is probably something else.
A lot of men have “physical affection” as their main love language. This doesn’t just mean sex, but kisses and cuddles, hand holding etc too. Try being more physically affectionate and see how he responds.
Or even better, do the quiz together so you each know what the others main love language is.
The thing with love languages is that the way you express your love and the way he feels loved need to line up, and vice versa.
No point doing his laundry, if he doesn’t appreciate it as you showing him your love!
I love my wife and she is a good woman, but her support of me is nowhere near as comprehensive.
Personally I think he is being a bit of a victim and needs to put his big boy pants on.
By all means ask for specifics but all praise does for me is inflate my ego and feed my inner arsehole. He’s much better understanding that he is there as an equal to serve and support you.
His satisfaction in that service and the appreciation you have written about showing, should be enough for him.
two thoughts: 1) maybe you’re doing too much and he’s become immune to it all, or 2) maybe there’s just that one thing your’re not doing that is the only thing that means appreciation to him.
and a third, 3) maybe this is His problem and He needs to sort it out
Men, on the whole, require an excessive amount of praise for doing the bare minimum. It’s been ingrained by society that those around them should fawn over them for existing. Changing their kids diaper? Father of the year- get that man an award. Bringing them to school? Holy shit- how did we get so lucky?!
See what I’m saying? You might need to baby him a bit. It’s just the way they are. You’re doing just fine.
Do you think he feels overwhelmed and unappreciated because he is dealing with you when you’re emotional, but he can’t actually fix the problem? Guys oftentimes want to be fixers, and maybe part of the issue is that he is helping you emotionally, but can’t actually fix the root cause, which is the chronic pain. Not being able to fix it just might be related to his feelings of not being appreciated. It’s also possible that he had a rough day and leaned into feelings he normally wouldn’t. It sounds like you do make an effort to say thank you and be appreciative. Since he brought up the part about you being emotional, I’m guessing he probably feels helpless on your pain issues and this is how it’s coming out. I’m sorry you are dealing with that on top of your pain, because that is alot.
Have you told him?
Sometimes we are doing the things we need from the other person for them, not what the other person needs from us, unintentionally. I know some people might think its an old cheesy book, but after I read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, I understood my husband and his reactions so much better. We have been together for 27 years, and we still like each other, so something must be going right.
There’s a whole lot of mine and his going on.
You’re “paying off his car”, but you wrecked his old one?
It sounds like you tend to pick at everything and don’t realize that hurts him.
It also reads as if you don’t think he’s good enough because he can’t afford to plan a trip for you two on just his salary.
Before my wife and I got married, we had big conversations about finances after we were married. I am of the what is mine is yours camp, and was able to explain why I thought that and my wife ended up agreeing with me. She has left jobs because they were horrible and ai was the only one working for a month or two while she was looking for work. I got screwed over by business partners, and then after we had gotten over that debt, I got sick. Now after 3.5 years I’m disabled, and waiting on disability to get approved.
Be a team, don’t keep things separate.
Have you ever thought that your husband would like to plan a trip for you both but because of the way finances are handled he is super self conscious and embarrassed?
I think you’re doing really well. If you stop doing the things you usually do (Household work), it might create an argument. So try not to overthink it. Maybe he was just having a bad day when he said that to you. Sometimes, we need to let go of such comments; otherwise, you’ll end up carrying unnecessary stress that you don’t deserve.