to give you some background my future MIL is unwell – not like run off the mill crazy MIL, but like undiagnosed BPD/NPD that has recently resulted in two violent altercations. One with the police in which she received 5 misdemeanor charges including second degree assault (pro tip: don’t kick cops when you’re being arrested for trespassing) and then a random scuffle with her and a woman arguing over if an animal was a cat or a kitten that resulted in her being punched.
In the past she has sent my partner tirades about how I don’t respect her, how I’m not the right girl for him, how he’s putting me first etc. Thankfully he is amazing and shut that down so fast, and when she realized that if she made him choose she would lose him, she had a total 180 and now she desperately wants me to like her.
I’m struggling because 1) she’s crazy, and I never know what will upset her so I feel like I’m walking on eggshells
2) I’ve heard and seen the horrible things she’s said/sent to my partner. She’s told him “don’t ever contact me again, you aren’t my son” at the suggestion she listen to lawyers and get help. When we were scheduling a dinner so she could meet my family she somehow made it about herself and called him and said “go live your fucking life, and leave me the fuck alone” and then showed up at our apartment for dinner and acted like everything was okay
3) I have a mix of anger and sadness towards her as i mourn the potential of what could have been. My partner is like a son to my parents and I cant help but feel sad knowing I will never have that. I mourn that I’ll never be able to go shopping with her, go to the nail salon with her, or even leave my future children unattended with her. I’m angry that she is so unhinged that my family has decided that they will host the rehearsal dinner and wedding because we can’t leave it to her and are sure she will make it about her somehow.
I guess what I’m asking is, how can I be the best version of myself for her? I find myself being cold to her when I’m usually quite bubbly and outgoing, but knowing all that’s brewing in the back of my head, it’s hard to put a smile on and pretend to like her. This also exacerbates the problem because she can feel my distance and if makes her want me to like her more so she invites us to more and my partner has to decline.
I’m struggling and I dont see her behavior ever changing, so we’ve accepted that all we can do is enforce our boundaries and that’s worked relatively well. But regarding my own temperament idk how to warm up to her knowing what I know. It’s hard to be collegial with her, and I feel like I’m not meeting the bar for basic human interaction rn.
Comments
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Who says you have to? There’s no rule that you have to have a warm and fuzzy relationship with her. As long as you’re not being cruel to her being cool and distant is perfectly fine.
Have you considered that your coldness toward her may be an instinctual reaction to her unpredictable behaviour? Its a way of keeping her at an emotional distance so her outbursts and behaviour have less impact on you.
Has she ever attempted to get help? Mental illness is treatable and containable. Sure, there will be setbacks and bumps in the road but that’s par for the course. It’s nothing to be ashamed of or hide. NOT treating it, however, is. I would make that a requisite going forth. If she doesn’t care enough about about herself, her son, and all the other people in her life, you don’t have the bandwidth to deal with her. Mental illness is no excuse for being a complete and utter asshole. And selfish.