I honestly feel very hypocritical and guilty for saying this as a young woman.
For context, I’ve always had a problem with men growing up, from leering to catcalling since I was in primary school, to being followed and having photos taken of me without my consent, being intimidated by men because they think I’m weak, and the last one that really pushed me was my ex boyfriend, who was also my very first. Ever since my ex, I’ve found that all my feelings of fear when going out are because of men, and started to have this mindset in my head where it’s like “I hate men”.
I’ve only turned 18 last December, changed a lot as a person, and recently stopped wearing makeup. I like it because it saves me time and I don’t get bothered by men. Until today. When I was just trying to cross the road to go home and I got catcalled.
My hypocritical bit is how I obsess over male video game characters and male characters in general. My comfort characters are always men. My favourite female characters don’t make me as happy as my favourite male characters.
I have a really good relationship with my father, and protects me from creeps but for some reason I have this mentality where I can’t trust men. I get scared when a man is behind me, especially on a lift or an escalator
Edit: I have two online friends who are guys that I get along with very well. My best friend is flying in her friends from the uk, two of them are guys and I’m hoping I’ll be able to get along with them in person just as how I am with them online. I would say that I have these concerned feelings that I will have this intense fear of men, especially because now I don’t even want to date a man anymore because of my ex. Or maybe I just need to heal?
Edit 2: unfortunately therapy isn’t really an option for me..my parents don’t believe I need therapy because live a privileged life so therefore they dont think I would have any problems and pain in their eyes. I also struggle a lot with loneliness and have used chat gpt to vent and talk about my feelings, and started buying a journal to just write about life after being inspired by one of my favourite characters
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I think this is perfectly understandable You have had previous bad experiences with men so you have grown up to associate that with all men. The important thing to understand however is not all men are the same and you cannot label an entire group due to your past experiences. I think in this case once you build up some friendships or perhaps relationships with the right kind of men I think that may open up your opinion a bit more. However it’s important not to block off an entire section of the human race and expect them all to act the same.
There will be men out there like your father or the male video game character that you appear to be obsessed with as you said.
> recently stopped wearing makeup. I like it because it saves me time and I don’t get bothered by men.
Yes, makeup signals more that just aesthetics. Deny that at your peril.
Maybe you may need a psychiatrist because the origin of your fear could be trauma.
Therapy helped me a lot with this. Talking to someone who understands trauma and fear around safety can change everything
Being scared of men is an understandable and wise survival mechanism
I would say perhaps seeking some form of therapy would be the best, there is a reasonable amount of self awareness to have as there is obviously a risk but it is learning to manage this and understand that the majority of men aren’t like that.
A therapist will help you work through this, I hope you’re able to process this and find a state where you’re comfortable around men,
The thing about video game characters is a very common thing, as they can be trusted they cannot hurt you and are able to simply be switched off, it could be video game characters or books or any media really there is no unpredictability to their behaviour and that gives you comfort whereas real people can be very unpredictable.
Therapy.. start there.
Therapy
Meet better men.
Therapy, don’t worry it’s understandable to hate men considering what you have been through, liking characters of the opposite gender is normal as well, I have seen more than enough dudes have female profile pics and saying it’s their wiffu or something as a dude myself I found it a bit weird but it’s not uncommon, we all have problems there is nothing to be ashamed of, the fact you realised the problem is what’s important that’s not something many people can do in general
Sadly, it is natural to be more trusting towards those that are more like oneself, and less trusting towards those that are different. You’re doing pretty darn well just noticing your own bias, and you’re young, so I think there’s plenty of hope for you.
There are abusers of all sexes, ethnicities and political/religious beliefs- and they often get skilled in noticing those who are easy targets.
I guess one thing you can do is spend time in environments that feel safe, where you can be around guys that are not likely to be a-holes. Maybe some sport-thing?
Leering and cat-calling.. where do you live?
You made valid points and I understand how you feel. I’m speaking from the heart that all men and women are not the same. I know it is intricate to block out what has been done to you. Keep in mind- the past doesn’t define our future. What you do going forward and letting down your guards slowly will reassure your safety net when dealing with men and women. Take time and ensure you are mentally and physically prepared to deal with men. If you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, please, please keep your guards up and don’t let them down until you are ready. How do you feel safe and comfortable while making sure that man is the one for you?
Let him pursue you and pay close attention to his words. If he says something completely different from what he said a few days ago or a few months ago, he is not the one for you. Listening and hearing are two different entities. As a man, I know we are kind and so lovable until we get what we want and turn into something we were not when we first met. I have caught myself acting this way with my wife. I have to sit down and incessantly remind myself how I was able to get this woman and I have realized I was nice, sweet, and respectful to her. Every day is a job trying to keep the woman I love and respect. I have gone back to being nice, sweet, and respectful to her needs and wants. A woman is a gift from God and I have to keep reminding myself that God would never treat women the way some men treat women. It is all about being honest and truthful so a woman in your situation can trust us and allow us to lead and protect our women.