Please send me strength (and gin!)
My 11 year old sobs and sometimes get angry (big feelings!) almost every day because she wants a pony .
I know she sounds spoilt but she really isn’t, she unfortunately has a deep passion and connection with horses and she desp to be a part of that world / lifestyle.
I am at a loss of how to help her. She cries so much as if someone has died.
My mum got her into it by paying her to have lessons. She shouldn’t have done so.
I feel so crap and helpless and also concerned for her mental health that she is so fixated , this has been going on for years.
She goes to pony camp and we’re in the lookout for a loan pony but that is really a needle in atm haystack and extremely
Unlikely to happen.
Any advice / shared experiences welcome…
All I do is validate how she feels , offer comfort but also stay firm in that we can’t afford one.
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I would tell her if she continues to act this way then there won’t be pony camp. I had the same issue with my daughter but with horses. When I visited the ILs she got to do a lot of horseback riding. And we live 2 hours away and I had her doing lessons and one summer I signed her up for a summer camp on a farm where during the day she got to help care for horses. But then when we weren’t doing horse activities she would whine and pout that she wants a horse. That she wants to do x y z with horses and she’d have a fit. I told her if she acts like that one more time she won’t go back at all. That it’s a privilege.
She wanted to buy one and begged for one when we were renting a house and didn’t have space or money to lease a horse. I went no contact with MIL for various reasons for a few years so she did get less time with horses but I still paid for lessons so she could still ride. But I was so fed up with her entitled and spoiled attitude. My in laws are quite wealthy and I didn’t like how she was acting because she wasn’t getting her way.
She knows I’m not the one to make empty threats and I was absolutely serious about cutting her off if she continued to act that way. It’s okay for her to want things and be upset but I wouldn’t tolerate her slamming doors, yelling, screaming etc because she can’t get what she wants. And it worked. She didn’t do it again. And she’s actually grown out of her horse phase.
“We’re not buying a pony, and if you keep this up, all horse activities will end. NOW.” She is 11. There is no need for validation at this point. And a loaner pony is not going to solve your issue, either.
Could this be an autistic special interest thing?
You can’t. You can tell her that she does not have the time, money or resources to properly take care of a horse on her own. You can tell her that crying isn’t going to change those facts. You can even tell her that you don’t want to hear her crying about something that is simply not doable at this point in time. But if she’s going to keep trying to make you feel bad over something you have no control over, she probably doesn’t need to have lessons anymore either.
Find a farm that will let her exchange some sweat labor for riding time. Let her learn how much work a horse is and how much care they need before you get a loan pony. I love horses but after exchanging work for riding time I realized that I didn’t have the time to own a horse.
I have a daughter with big feelings and understand why you can’t just tell her “if you act this way I’ll take away all horse back riding”. I would tell her to start saving and find ways to make money. Obviously she won’t get close but maybe she’ll settle down with that goal. Who knows, maybe she’ll love horses so much she saved up over a long time to get one!
After reading a few comments I thought of a potential idea
Tell her you want to support her but it’s not something you guys can do. However it is something you can support her into achieving HER goal.
She wants a pony, turn it into a smart goal. Sit with her and look everything up, how much everything costs, how much land she needs, go to the bank and open her her own savings account that’s specifically for her pony goal, and start saving. Once she’s able to get her own house, with her own land, she may be able to afford it.
It might at least put a bandaid on it while you figure out how to help her next it turns out that she’s too impatient lol
At 11, I wanted to be a helicopter pilot. I didn’t cry about it. Crying was considered shameful, so I would hide in my room to cry.
Explore her dream. WHY does she want a pony? A huge emotional need like this is sometimes a mask for something else she’s not getting in her life. Are you and her father invested in her life? I worked in a boarding school half filled with kids whose parents didn’t want them. Does she have friends? Do they have ponies? What does she gain? Is this a way to get into the “Cool Crowd” Is this an escape for the emotional turmoil that comes with puberty?
But look at it as a teaching moment. Ask her questions about what horse ownership entails.
You are doing a bunch of things here:
Sit down with her and show her the expenses involved. Boarding and purchasing costs. Can you afford to board a horse if she buys one? If so take her to look at some and tell her when she saves up and buys one you’ll board it. If not tell her she’ll need to pay 50% the monthly boarding fee after the initial purchase so when she’s able to hold a regular job that might be a possibility and in the meanwhile you’ll help her open a savings account and if she saves $XXX per year she’d have enough to buy a horse by the time she’s 16 and able to work for the boarding fee.
Give her job/chore opportunities to earn money. My kids made bookmarks, friendship bracelets, greeting cards and Christmas ornaments to sell and hoarded Christmas/birthday money when they wanted their horse. She can start earning now.
In other words – help her be proactive and realistic about achieving her goal. Now she’s not crying. She’s working her butt off. Win!
A lot of the comments here seem to be assuming that your daughter is crying as a manipulation tactic. Based on what you’ve shared, I don’t think it is. I think it sounds more like she has big feelings that she’s comfortable sharing, that you’ve made yourself a safe person to share them with. That is so wonderful for her, I wish I’d had that growing up!
I admire the compassion you have for your daughter. Intense yearning for fitting a certain identity/lifestyle is fairly normal for tweens, but because it’s been going on for so long and has a large impact on her daily, have you considered taking her to see a therapist? It sounds like there may be something more at hand, which may be compounded with the normal tweenage yearning.
Find a place where she can work with horses and take care of them. Hopefully, the place can help show how expensive food, shelter, bedding, and tac cost. That’s how my family did it with me when I was 5-10 (I’m now 29).
Because of this, I learnt how much it truly costs to have a horse, the time and money. I also learnt that each horse needs respect as they have different personalities and needs.