Before any of you call me disgusting, I know I am, I really want to change but I dont know how to.
(I am a female and 17 years old)
When I was a kid (I do not exactly remember, all I know is that I was below the age of 7) I was sexually assaulted several times by my teenage cousin.
It was just touching tho, after that I became a hypersexual kid, would rub against pillows and couches and touch myself.
I later developed incest fantasies I cannot get rid of, not even now.
Cousin, older brother, father fantasies etc…and even imagining that I am powerless and young, maybe because I also was young when that happened.
But of course Id never actually engage in such things irl.
I never felt more disgusted with myself, especially because I have a healthy relationship with my dad and Id never actually want to do anything with him, I love him as a parent and I am not attracted to him, that would be sick,
neither do I have an older brother.
As for my cousin, I never told anyone besides a friend I cut off and my current boyfriend, I never had the courage to tell my parents
as a child because I was too scared.
Nothing turns me on more than those fantasies and its driving me crazy.
I even read reddit posts about incest confessions to get off because of how hot the stories sound to me in that moment, but after im done I cant help but get this sick feeling in my stomach.
Like I said, I have a boyfriend so I really want to stop these fantasies. Sometimes im scared the fact that I have such fantasies and get off to such stories may count as cheating because we have discussed and agreed on porn being a form of cheating and unacceptable in this relationship.
I really have no idea what to do and I hope this posts doesnt attract any creeps, even tho I myself may be a creep. I just cant live with myself like this.
Comments
you aren’t disgusting. sometimes people develop fantasies to cope with the traumas they have endured. im concerned that creeps will DM you because of this post, so please be careful. i’d really recommend talking to a therapist in real life about this because it is so distressing for you, but please know there is nothing wrong with you.
The first sexual experiences form what you like and don’t like. Might try to retrain your brain related to sex and arousal. “Come as you are” book might help you, explore your sexuality beyond what your experiences are up until now. You’ll be alright. Speaking to someone who understands and does not judge you will help too.
Wow that’s a lot!
Firstly, it’s not your fault – that needs to be said. All of this is the reaction to something that happened to you, you didn’t choose it.
Hypersexuality is an extremely common side effect to trauma, you’re not weird or disgusting. You’re someone who didn’t know how to deal with something and turned to pleasure. Something we all do in different ways – be it abusing food, games etc. we all do it. Just because yours is sex related doesn’t mean it’s any less normal of a response.
The way you feel about these kinds of stories doesn’t mean you’re a lesser person and you’re allowed to have fantasies that others may deem as weird – especially if they’re grown from a trauma response.
You’re a human, all of this stuff is normal after going through what you have. I feel like you’re the type of person to not give yourself a break from negative thoughts. Therapy would really help you I think, as cliche as that always sounds when suggested.
“I even read reddit posts about incest confessions to get off because of how hot the stories sound to me in that moment, but after im done I cant help but get this sick feeling in my stomach.“
Why is this acceptable in your relationship and not porn? Or are you hiding this from him?
To stop it just go into the dark and start grinding gd levels like brain ded top players. Sure it will destroy your will to live maybe.
The fantasies are very VERY normal to have. I wouldn’t worry about those right now. But maybe going and seeing a therapist my be a beneficial step in trying to get through your past trauma. It may even help stop your fantasies if you really want to be rid of them.
I would seriously consider talking to a therapist or psychiatrist because not only do you get confidentiality, but you also get real help and can start the process of breaking this habit.
The fact that you feel shame just means you are aware of it, which is something a lot of people never do.