We’ve been trying for years, and now it finally would have worked, but sadly there were complications after 14 weeks. I’m trying to be strong and support emotionally, but I’m terrible at emotional intelligence. I keep everything inside, that’s natural for me. How can I support her?
How can I support and give strength to my wife after she had a miscarriage?
r/Advice
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I’m so sorry you both are going through this. It’s incredibly tough, and it sounds like you’re already trying your best to be there for her. Even though you might not be naturally emotionally expressive, just being present is a huge part of what she needs right now.
Listening to her feelings, even if you’re not sure what to say, will show her that you’re there for her, no matter what. Sometimes, it’s about holding space for her emotions and letting her cry or express her grief without feeling the need to fix everything right away. It might also be helpful to encourage her to talk about her feelings, but don’t push it if she’s not ready. Every person grieves in their own way and time, and it’s okay for her to need space or time to heal.
Supporting her physically, like helping with things at home, making sure she’s eating and sleeping well, and checking in on her mental health, can also show love and care.
But don’t forget that you’re grieving too. You might not have carried the pregnancy, but you’re both affected by this loss. Take the time to face your grief as well. Whether that means expressing it to her, talking to someone you trust, or seeking support from a therapist or counselor, you need to process your emotions, too. Supporting her will be easier when you’re taking care of your emotional health as well.
The most important thing is that you’re there for her, even when words aren’t enough. She may not be able to express it right away, but your steady support will mean the world to her.
Be sure to give her the gift of a remembrance of the child. Plan a special trip.
Protect her from all the folks who will say “Oh you can have another child!” or other stupid stuff (I’ve heard way worse…like “God needed another angel” – really??? People are ridiculous in what they say). Hopefully she can take time off work to process because she should. My alma mater gives women who have miscarried three weeks’ paid time off which is baseline for what they need.
As someone else said, just be there and hold emotional space. Comfort her, be there to listen. If she needs medical support, get it. Therapy? Get it if she needs it and if you need it too. Miscarriages don’t get acknowledged as they should be – huge loss – so treat it as such. So sorry for your loss.
Been there. It sucks and she probably feels like a failure. Once you do your part, it’s kinda on her body to do the rest. When we lost ours, we did all the tests and what not- no real results. We came to the conclusion that it’s just nature’s form of quality control. Better a healthy, happy baby than one with really bad defects that will never live a normal life.
Hold her and tell her it’s not her fault, that nature has a way of taking care of things. You’ll try again when she’s ready. You love her, you’re there for her, you dont blame her, and you’re going to be right there for her the whole way. Plus, it kinda makes the next one a rainbow baby- and even more special. You dont have to break down with her, but hold her and let her know you’re not going anywhere. A lot of women base their value (or at least part of it) on their ability to have kids.
Best advice I ever learned. STOP TRYING. Horny teens get knocked up all the time. Why? They’re not trying, they’re just having at it whenever the mood strikes them. The pressure and stress is a real thing and can have a real impact on the overall health of the pregnancy. Remember, you chose to be with her. You DONT get to choose your kids. SHE is your partner in this whole adventure of life. And she needs to know you are still there for her.
As stated previously by others, you’re also grieving. We all grieve in our own way, and we need to afford each other the time and space to do that. You may be more independent than she is- at thats okay. But do let her know you’re going through this together, and you’ll come out the other side of this together. Let her know you’re also grieving in your own way. Talk to her, listen to her, ask her questions. You’ll get there. Who knows, her body may just need a trial before it kickstarts.
It’s not often talked about, but losing the first is pretty common. Stay the course.
When my sister had a miscarriage I went over to her house and gave her a gallon of ice cream. We sat on the couch and watched the Simpson (her favorite show). I didn’t say much other than I was sorry. I was there to listen when she felt like she needed to talk. I did not give advice or try to fix it because both are not good in that situation. Be an ear to listen and comfort her. Also, you need to talk about how you’re feeling too. You can grieve it too even if you weren’t carrying. If you cry that’s fine!
I would also refrain from we can try again type things because that shouldn’t be the thought at the moment, that can be a topic later. I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s very tough.
having gone through this, and my husband refusing to cry in front of me or talk about it, he frequently helped in other aspects. he’d make dinner, he’d run my bath, he’d let me sleep on the days that i just seemed extra off or depressed, and i slept a lot for months. like at least 12-15hrs out of the day. all the other hours was mostly just me being zoned out or crying. i refused to eat a majority of the time, but him offering something every time he ate did encourage me to eat something, even though if he hadnt offered anything, i probably wouldnt havent eaten at all. sometimes he’d just hug me & hold me while i cried.
there will never be a most correct way to support/give strength for an event like this. For right now, be present and available. Just know that both of you have suffered a loss.
Pay attention to her ques. If she just needs a shoulder be there. If she wants to talk, talk. Be patient and don’t overbear with the “are you alright?” you could ask “what’s on your mind?” or “I see you’re hurting.” try to validate through observation feedback.
Physical touch maybe a bit sensetive right now, especially with her body going through the changes. If she reaches out to you, be there and respond back softly. Sometimes just reaching out to grasp her hand without saying anything can give comfort.
When the both of you are ready, seek out a grief counselor. It can help out a ton.
I went through 7 miscarriages and my partner at the time was not so conducive to empathy of our losses. ITs good to see your looking to help your wife and yourself through this.
First, understand this: your presence, more than your words, is already doing more than you realize. Trying to be strong doesn’t mean not feeling. It means standing with her in the storm without trying to fix or avoid it. You’re not expected to have the perfect words, what she needs most is to know she’s not grieving alone.
Support is not about doing everything right emotionally, it’s about staying grounded while holding space. You don’t need to become someone you’re not. If you’re not someone who expresses things easily, then let her know that. Say, I might not have the perfect words, but I’m right here with you. I feel this too, even if I don’t always show it. That honesty will mean more than a thousand clichés. Loss often brings guilt, shame, or the illusion that something went wrong. Help her see that this is not a failure, it’s a heartbreaking part of a biological process that is still within the larger order of nature. Even in this, there is a hidden order, though it may take time to see. In the meantime, offer her consistency, attention, and the reminder that your shared dream hasn’t died, only been delayed.
Also, grieve together, not just side by side. That may mean moments of silence, tears, or even just holding her without needing to say anything at all. Let her lead sometimes, but don’t disappear. Let her feel that the two of you are still a team. Don’t neglect your own grief either. Suppressing it doesn’t make you stronger; processing it with awareness does. If you can even speak a little about what this loss means to you, she’ll feel less alone. Even a simple statement like, This hurts me too, and I wish I knew how to make it easier for you, can be incredibly connecting.
This is not the end of the story. This is a chapter. And you two are still co-authors. Let this pain become part of the bond that deepens your love, rather than something that isolates you from each other. Keep showing up, in your own way, with your full heart. That’s what strength looks like.
There is no sure fire way to support her. No magic pill/word/phrase that will do the trick. Listen, cry with her, sit with her and say nothing. Talk when she wants to talk.
And by all means DO NOT TRY TO FIX THE PROBLEM. I know it’s in our nature to fix. But this is not the time.
I am so very sorry for your loss. And what an AMAZING husband you are to reach out to try to support your wife. This speaks volumes about the husband and man that you are… I had five ectopic pregnancies.. the very best thing for you to do love is to take her on a holiday…give her time to heal. To breathe to find some peace… ask family and friends to come and place any baby items in boxes, do not tape them.. she will want to go through them… but she does not need to see them displayed as they would be if the baby was coming home.. if you have baby furniture, move it to the attic. She will want to visit at times in the future… if there are murals on the wall paint over the.. make this room a beautiful room for just her to relax and reflect on… or an AMAZING guest room..
I am very sorry to hear what your wife is going through. The best thing for you to do is just give her the support and be there to let her talk and for you to listen.
What a beautiful question! It’s very much a green flag question, so you’re absolutely on the right track.
Firstly, I would say giving support is a wonderful thing. When it comes to strength, allow her to not be strong. Allow her to drop her guard and feel all her feelings. People who are grieving need permission to be vulnerable rather than being encouraged to be strong.
If you can’t tell her emotions by her body language and speech, consider asking how she’s feeling. “I see you sitting there in silence. How are you feeling?” Consider acknowledging her emotions directly, or her general pain if she doesn’t share specific feelings. Something like, “I see your pain. It’s okay to feel your feelings and express them. I’m here with you by your side.”
Secondly, women often connect via emotions. This is a time when you can decide not to keep all your emotions inside. Consider sharing some of your emotions with her after she shares with you and after you verbally acknowledge her feelings. This can be a bonding experience that helps her feel connected and comforted. It can also be very therapeutic for you as well.
You can also ask her, “What can I do for you that would be supportive?”
Best of luck! You got this!!
Support her by grieving with her. This is your loss too. Hold tight. So sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine the pain.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
When I had a miscarriage, in the beginning, my husband kept his thoughts mostly to himself and that wasn’t what I needed at all. We talked about it and he said he wanted to be strong for me – which was kind, of course, but I didn’t need strong, I needed “let’s cry about this together”. It made me feel a bit alone at times, I guess.
So, of course I don’t know your wife and she may think differently about this. But my first and foremost advice would be to share your thoughts if you feel she’s receptive, and if she’s not, share your shoulder so she just knows she’s not alone in this.
Also, if you find a way to quiet those “oh, who knows what was wrong with the child, you were probably lucky it turned out this way” and the “ah well, you’ll have another” people, please use it and share it. People can be so cruel without noticing…
Aw I’m sorry you guys are going through this. As a woman I’m glad to hear that you’re actually asking how to make her feel better. Just continue to be there for her. Lots of hugs and cuddles. Also talk to her in a gentle tone and let her know that you guys will get through this together. Also if she’s for some reason blaming herself (not saying she is) but reassure her that it’s not her fault. Continue to be loving. You guys will get blessed with a beautiful happy baby in due time❤️
Be patient, I’m sure you are hurt as well. Try to have some quality time, so you both can ease you mind and just enjoy the present. Talk about it if she wants to. Try to be more open with you emotions so she doesn’t feel to be dealing with it alone. Maybe do something symbolic to end this chapter in a good way. God bless you both!
Just be there for her. And understand even though it feels like the end its not. Many people who have miscarriages end up have a “miracle” “rainbow” baby/babies down the road. From a mans perspective the hardest thing is not having an instant fix for her pain while having to deal with your own pain/disapointment.
There was someone in our family that always made dolls for each pregnancy. I always wished she had made one for the one I miscarried.
Maybe get her a little keepsake, a window hanger of a heart or small doll ornament… something to commemorate the life that was.
Many ways but start with just listening twice as much as you speak. And then find someone for you to speak with too. It does get better but takes time and lots of support for both of you.
Make an itinerary of things to do and supplies that are needed.
An actual sign-up sheet. Including everything from food to prep to clean up.
Everyone has tasks. If they don’t sigh up for a task, they will be responsible for whatever is left to do on the list
So, before your last event is over, the next event with the list will be presented. Giving each person plenty of time to prepare.
Send follow-up reminder texts to remind everyone what the other is responsible for.
Good luck and many blessings