I (30F) and my coworker lets Jen (50F) have a pretty good work relationship. We have been sharing the same office for about a year now. Jen has been in this office for 20+ years and knows everyone. Jen definitely lives for the drama and tries to pry about my personal life but I have managed to keep it surface level.
I have been struggling with my relationship with food my entire life and have almost always been overweight. In the past 2 years I have managed to lose 50lb with a calorie deficit and regular exercise. Since I started this job i have lost about 20lb and hope to lose another 30 by the end of this year. I am extremely mindful about what i eat and I normally don’t eat food that I didn’t bring from home. This helps me avoid eating the snacks everyone brings in at work. My setup at work is less then ideal the table that everyone leaves food on is right across from my desk but I can manage to ignore it.
Jen on the other hand cant go 15min without eating, she has a fileing cabinet full of candy and constantly gets fast food ordered to the office throughout the day. Im talking full mc D breakfast at 8am, sonic chilie dogs at 11am, Chinese food at 2pm and she always warms up some god forsaken leftovers in the office micro around 3:30pm. This happens 3-4 times a week. Jen is also an extremely loud eater and constantly eats with her mouth open. Thank God for the cubical wall between us. I completely understand that everyone was brought up differently and I never adress that i find the behavior annoying. I always keep my mouth shut even when she heats up fish sandwiches. I just put my headphones and try to ignore it.
The behavior that is pushing me over the edge is the constant offerings. Everyone else in the office (there is 20 of us in the department) will send an email letting everyone know there are treats on the table. When Jen brings things in she always loudly announces it to the whole room and then will walk to each cubical offering food. She will also send out an email. Jen will check the food every hour or so and announce it again and then come by the cubicals to ask if we have had any. She sometime will just hand it out if not much has been eaten by lunch.
This food is nothing unique or homemade its normally something she picked up from the grocery store. Sometimes my other coworkers will bring in new recipes or dishes from their home county, I am always happy to try a bite or 2 of these. But I could not care less about a frozen pastries, birthday cake, pizza, or cinnabon cinnamon rolls.
I am never rude to her I simply say “No thank you” or “I’m not hungry right now maybe later”. Even if im honest she always has followup questions or tries to pressure or guilt trip me. Some examples, she offered me cheesecake at 9am and I told her “no thank you i am not a big fan of cheesecake” she said “you haven’t tried my cheesecake so you have to!” She made me a huge plate and set it on my desk when I walked away for 2min. She offered me pizza I said ” I appreciate the offer but pizza upsets my stomach” she walks back over with 4 slices and a roll of antacids and said ” here now you can eat” as she sets it on my desk. The comment that really put me over the edge was when Jen was walking around handing out Cinnabon cinnamon rolls, they are literally 800cal each almost half of what i eat in a day!Without asking she started scooping one on a plate on my desk, I said “I dont want one but thanks” she bent down and whispered “are you pregnant?” I replied “no” so she laughed and said “well then you have no excuse not to want a cinnamon roll” and left it on my desk.
I always leave whatever Jen puts on my desk in the exact spot she left it. Even if its all day I never touch it so I’m sure she sees. I just end up throwing it away at the end of the day. This makes me feel guilty but I honestly don’t find eating the food worth it.
I dont want to mess up our work relationship because we talk everyday and sometimes work on the same projects but it is exhausting emotionally to have to deal with her antics.
I know most people would just blow this off but for some reason it is really getting to me. Sometimes I’m on the verge of tears telling her no for the 8th time in one day.
I dont want to get HR involved because she is bestie with all of the ladies in that department. Honestly I dont want other people to know it bothers me.
Any advice is welcome and thank you for reading my bitchy rant.
Comments
She won’t stop until she faces a negative outcome of some kind. This means that at some point, there is going to have to be uncomfortable moments.
I’m guessing that she’s the kind of person that can’t imagine other people not liking the food she likes. In a way, it’s a lack of empathy and a lack of understanding. It also means that she has a hard time processing “No” and thinks she can steamroll you into saying yes. Hence, the food left on your desk.
The best option, since you don’t want to involve HR, is to take the food back to her desk and say “I said no. I also don’t want to see it go to waste so please offer it to someone else.”
When she objects (because we all know she will), repeat the same phrase. And again. And again. And again. To understand why, look up “JADE in arguments”. What happens is that every time you give a different reason, she just sees it as a challenge to overcome, not a rejection. By repeating the same phrase, she’s got nothing new to argue against. And you’re even trying to be polite by suggesting she offer it to someone else but notice, no reason why you’re saying no.
And for what it’s worth, she’s already messing up your work relationship with her unwanted and aggressive behavior.
She is trying to force something on you that you don’t want. I’m all for getting along but you need stronger tactics.
You have to take a stand and tell her NOT to bring you food anymore and if she continues to push food and make inappropriate comments, you will take the situation to HR.
What about your manager? Where are they while she eats 4 meals per day at her desk?
I think my next step, should she leave food on my desk, would be to state calmly but so all can hear: “Jen, I asked you to stop bringing me food I don’t want but you continue to do so. It’s very weird of you so let me say it again: stop bringing me food. If you leave a plate on my desk, I’ll be throwing it away.”
Tell her that you don’t want any additional food. Tell her again and then tell her you will throw it away if she gives it to you. Then when she gives you food, throw it away.
When she gets upset, tell her you have been polite for months and she does not want to listen. So, she can give you the food and you are going to throw it away.
If she was doing this to me, I would tell her once not to offer me food again and that I will throw it away if she puts it on my desk. Then, the next time she puts food on my desk I would IMMEDIATELY dump it in the trash so that she sees. Then I would look her square in the eyes and ask what she doesn’t understand.
“I’m on a calibrated diet for health reasons. Your obsession with pushing me to eat what you think is required for your existence has crossed the line to harrassment. My diet and food choices are none of your business. If this situation continues, I’ll have no choice but to report it to HR. Thank you in advance for your respect and understanding.”
Ah! The saboteur. I know them well from previous dieting times.
Tell her flat out, I am dieting and please do NOT offer me food.
When she does it anyway, either put it back on her desk or look her in the eye and throw it in the trash.
Maybe tell her in an email so you have a paper trail that can got to HR.