We’ve been together close to a decade. I really wanted to get married earlier in our relationship. He just dodged the topic every time I brought up anything marriage related. I asked him multiple times if he just didn’t want to get married, but he always said he did. For years, I had the dress ready, we had the prenup ready and I had made clear that a simple courthouse visit is fine. He never brought up the topic but when friends and family asked about us getting married, he’d spit elaborate lies about us getting married ”this summer” or ”later this year.” I listened in shock knowing very well that I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word marriage from his mouth. Well, that was years ago, I threw the dress in the dumpster and we never revisited the topic again. I’ve made my stance very clear and I told him that I can live without marriage. But what I can not live with is him humiliating me and just refusing to be honest. He would have saved me from a lot of pain if he had told me years ago that he’s not interested in marriage for whatever reason.
And then there’s the topic of kids. For years, I thought we dreamed about having a family. We had names ready, often included our potential future kids into the topics we discussed. We were not actually trying for kids but at some point I realized that he didn’t bring up the topic of kids either. Then I noticed that when I pointed at cute kids we saw, he’d say nothing and look away. You know when I’ve seen him do that before? When we walked past a beautiful wedding location which I mentioned.
This isn’t even about marriage and having kids. It’s that I think he’s future faked and lied to me for fun for a decade. It’s obvious that he never wanted to get married or have kids, but he just went along. It’s heartbreaking and I feel like I can’t trust that anything that he says is authentic. He’s probably not a bad guy, but just such a people pleaser that he is good at saying what others want to hear. He is also not dumb, so I have to admit that sometimes I wonder if he insists on bringing me to other people’s weddings and to see their babies as some sort humiliation and torture ritual.
So no marriage, no kids. Fine. But can any kind of counseling help me out of this hole of resentment?
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OMG you have wasted so much time with him..some of the best years of your life that you cant get back. Please seek therapy to find out why you thought so little of yourself.
You know, you don’t have to stay. It’s not too late. He’s lied and tricked you into a life you didn’t want because he’s selfish and doesn’t respect you. Don’t give up what you want, if it’s what you want, cause you’re worried you’ve invested too much time here. Life is too short for that
I don’t think you should be forced to get over something like this in order to stay in it. That’s not fair. Are you really ok living the rest of your life without marrying the person you love and having kids? I just had my first kid at 37.
UPDATEME
It’s not too late to leave and find someone else whose goals match yours. You’re resentful because this man tricked you into giving up a lot of what you wanted out of life. That’s not going to go away.
You’re asking the wrong question.
Why would you WANT your relationship to “survive” that?
Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want the same things as you? Someone who lies?
It’s funny how he is a people pleaser and still you, person who is closer to him than anyone else is not pleased for years and he is fine with that.
Girl. It’s time to stop hinting and start thinking about what YOU want. You spent 10 years sucking up your own needs and wants for him stirring you along. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Sunk costs fallacy is getting heavier every day. Don’t let it stop you from quitting relationships that no longer work for you.
I just honestly don’t have the bandwidth to start all over again like that. I did dream about getting proposed, getting married and having a family but there’s no guarantee that that would happen. And in the recent years, perhaps because of all this, even hearing about weddings or seeing babies just makes me uncomfortable and annoyed. I don’t know if this is a fair statement, but I almost feel like he’s stolen the joy of those things from me. It’s all ruined and I can’t view those things as dreams anymore. They just present broken ”promises” and disappointments.
Our relationship has definitely changed. I used to give it my all and nowadays we are back to being a couple doing life together. The daily life is good and now we really live in a moment, as we don’t plan or dream about anything. We don’t even celebrate Christmas or Halloween anymore because I just stopped arranging decorations, gifts, whatnot.
Get out NOW. You still have a chance of finding a loving respectful partner who would absolutely love starting a family with you.
Not only are your future plans misaligned, he purposely avoided the issue and disrespected you and your time in the process. And for what? Probably his own comfort, your companionship and the other perks of being with you, without ever having to fully commit. If he loved you, he’d want you to be happy, and he’d never avoid your wishes. That’s not some flaw in you that you stayed, it shows that you are able to love fully and that you had high hopes that things would happen, he just needed time. Unfortunately , it’s his limited capacity to love someone and commit to a relationship properly that is the issue here.
You can still have the life you want with someone who deserves your love. Don’t waste more of your time on him!
You‘re only 33. Is this what you want from the rest of your life? I just gave birth to baby number three at 38 years old.
If you still want marriage and kids, leave.
And if you just want to be with someone who respects you, I’d recommend leaving as well.
Sure, you can try some counseling- sometimes that can help for you to get the insight you need into his thought process.
Draw some red lines for yourself. Ask him those questions.
In a nutshell. It can’t.
To get rid of the resentment, betrayal you need to get rid of the cause.
He’s been stringing you along for years – time to focus on you.
Do you want it to survive? If so, what are your reasons for wanting to spend your life with him instead of fulfilling your dreams? Do you think he’s a good and trustworthy partner for you? Don’t think about his potential, think a about the person he is showing you in your daily life. You should seek counseling or therapy to figure this out ASAP and especially, if you’re really okay with not having kids.
If you can accept that you won’t have the future you dreamed of and want to stay with him, you should probably do couple’s therapy to work through his betrayal and figure out what your future together will look like instead of what you had thought it would.
But if you feel you want marriage and kids, it’s not to late to make this happen for you. You’re only 33. You’re so young! Leave him and find someone to build the future you want. It is not to late for that.
Girl! I had a CHILD with the same kind of man, all I wanted was a courthouse or backyard wedding so that I could feel secure in it….I waited 7 years, after that I left, with my daughter in tow! I was good enough to be the mother of his child, pay the bills and take care of our family, but I wasn’t good enough for him to marry…..RUN don’t walk!
The SUNK COST FALLACY in relationships refers to the tendency to stay in a relationship, not because it’s fulfilling or healthy, but because of the time, effort, and emotional investment already put into it. Essentially, individuals feel they’ve “come too far” to leave, even if the relationship is no longer enjoyable or beneficial.
He is wasting your time. Don’t let him waste any more of it.
Girl. You need to face reality that someone who is dishonest to you and future fakes and strings you along CANNOT BE TRUSTED.
This is the type of dude who will dump you when you’re 40 and go marry and have kids w a younger woman.
You are still very young. Leave this dishonest person who should not be trusted. Make yourself the life you want. Living the life someone else wants is a surefire way to regrets and depression.
Cut your losses and go.
Why would you do that?
The man’s strung you along for years. You have entirely reasonable hopes for your relationships and life. Rather than being honest that he wasn’t on the same page, he toyed with your emotions and let you get more committed to his lie.
Dump him, move on. You still have time to have kids. You can still marry someone who wants to marry you. Don’t waste your life.
Your current feelings of resignation do not reflect what is actually possible for your life or how your feelings might change if you allow yourself space to heal, but even if you truly decide you HAVE given up on kids and marriage, that doesn’t mean you should stay in a relationship built on lies and manipulation that honestly sounds miserable under the surface. You’re here telling us you just don’t plan for the future and think that’s fine, do you hear yourself? Would you tell a friend this was the relationship they should stay in?