Dear people of the community,
I 24F was wondering if any of you had a phase in the relationship where you had “downs” and how you manage through it.
My Fiancé 30M and I 24F have been together for almost 3 years now. At this point we had fair share of little disputes but nothing we could not work through. Right now I just feel that both of us are just trying to survive the week. Stressed, a little depressed, always running out of time, mostly because of work.
I work as a nurse while he works in a big industrial company doing a lot of physical labor. On the side I’m trying to build a small business.
We live together so we try to spend what little time we have together, but of course because we work so much that time turns into doing chores, cooking, cleaning etc. It it not romantic in any way. Any “free time” we have, we are doing something around the house, or for me is working on my business. I’m tired, not getting good sleep and he is as well. It feels like we are just roommates at this point. This week for e.g. We both worked day-shifts, meaning I leave at 12:00 and come back home at 22:30 and he leaves at 14:00 coming home at 00:30, which means we are working almost the whole day.
I feel like our relationship is “on pause” while we tackle life somehow. No time for gym, for dates, and money is so tight I don’t even dare to think about a dinner date.
We don’t fight, but it just feels cold somehow.
My question is, do you have any advice on how to keep a relationship alive through a thought phase like this? Have you ever had a phase in your relationship where it feels you are just living together while the “relationship” part is only in the background?
TL;DR: Me 24F and my Fiancé 30M are going through a tough time of adult life possibly damaging our relationship and I don’t know how to bring keep the relationship afloat.
Comments
Grass grows greenest where you water it.
Right now, the two of you are not prioritizing the relationship. You’re prioritizing work first, then on “necessary” things around the house and your side business. After all of that, there’s no energy left for either of you to put into the relationship, and so the relationship suffers.
If you don’t want the relationship to suffer, you have to make time for it: specifically and intentionally set aside some time, some energy, that each of you can put into each other.
If that means that some stuff around the house doesn’t get got right away, that’s what it means. If that means that your side business is slower getting started, that’s what it means.
Because building and fostering and feeding a relationship with a partner, making that connection stronger, that’s the thing that you will carry with you into your old age.
There’s very few people hanging out in the old-folks home, saying “Yeah, my marriage was a soulless husk where we didn’t care about one another, but I’m glad that at least the house was clean!” or “It was miserable spending years with someone who felt more like a roommate than a partner, but at least my business was a success!”
The two of you need to decide what’s actually most important to you.
If what’s most important to you is the side business, then let the relationship go, because clearly you don’t have enough energy left over after work for both. If work is less important than your relationship and your business, then find a new job that’s less stressful, so that you have time and energy left over for both the business and your relationship. If work and your relationship are the two most important things to you…then maybe it’s time to back-burner the side business.
There’s not enough time in the day and energy in your soul to do all three of the things that you are trying to do.
So pick the most important two, and focus on those.