I’m a 34 F and he’s a 39 M, we’ve been dating for about a year now and we’ve inflicted a lot of pain, jealousy, and hurt on eachother in different ways. This is my first serious adult relationship and he was in a 12 year relationship with his bm.
We’ve been having a lot of talks and getting things off of our chest and how the other person hurt the other. But they don’t seem to go anywhere. If I had to guess, I don’t think either of us is too apologetic or maybe we feel justified by our actions or inactions.
He’s made me feel insecure, unheard, unsafe and jealous by the way he’s talked about other women, I suspect him of lying or withholding things pertaining to his ex gf. Which made me scared to bring things up because he’d get mad. He more or less validated my concern that there might still be something between him and his ex when he said during an argument we had that she was the love of his life and everything was for her. Further more, he has female friends he talks to regularly and I had concerns about that especially the hypocrisy because I had 1 male friend who text me at night which he blew up about. I decided to stop talking to my male friend to appease my bf and my friend ended up passing away last month and we hadn’t spoken before he passed. I’m mad and pissed off about that because my bf continued his friendship with his female friend and they now continue to talk and I even saw a text message of hers come in at night. The hypocrisy makes me so mad.
He tells me all the time that I don’t know how to communicate and that I victimize myself and deflect and he doesn’t trust me anymore after I had met someone at work and added them on my social media while we were broken up. I had told this guy I had a bf even though we were broken up and I never flirted or crossed any lines but that led him to no longer trusting me. But I try telling him that the reason why I hold so much in is because he explodes and gets mad and reactive over any slight criticism. We go back and forth with our talks over who did what and how we were made to feel. I don’t think he’s really apologetic about anything he’s said or done to me. And it’s hard for me feel apologetic or hold too much compassion for him if he’s okay with mistreating me.
I feel stupid for not knowing the right way to go about this and not knowing what the solution is so that we both feel validated and heard and seen. I think we still care and still hold out some hope it could work but how??? Have any of you were ever able to overcome real problems like this?
TLDR: Me and bf are having problems, how can you fix the core wounds of jealousy, insecurity, being unheard, disrespect and fear of abandonment?
TYIA!! 💕🙏🏻
Comments
Lying, I also forgot lying was another issue.