Hi, everyone.
I’m hoping to hear some perspectives on how you may want or need support when dealing with loneliness, specifically guy friendships, if that’s okay.
Quick backstory:
My husband is a really cool guy, lots of hobbies, very funny, but has a really hard time making new friends. His social circle has dwindled really hard. He has a few close friends but everyone has gotten either really busy with their own lives or has turned out to be really superficial. He’s been looking for some more substance from his male relationships for a while.
We’re about to have our first child and my husband is realizing that he doesn’t really have anyone to lean on. His friends are okay with being supportive but in a kind of dismissive, “you’ll be alright” kind of way. It’s been hitting him hard and making him feel very alone.
I know I can’t make friends for him, or tell him what to do, but Im curious how you guys navigate feeling lonely in your male friendships (if so) and what kind of support might help you during those hard times.
Thanks in advance if anyone reads this and for your opinions and sharing your experiences.
Comments
Since you shitlords like to delete your posts, here’s an original copy of /u/Full_League_3329’s post (if available):
Hi, everyone.
I’m hoping to hear some perspectives on how you may want or need support when dealing with loneliness, specifically guy friendships, if that’s okay.
Quick backstory:
My husband is a really cool guy, lots of hobbies, very funny, but has a really hard time making new friends. His social circle has dwindled really hard. He has a few close friends but everyone has gotten either really busy with their own lives or has turned out to be really superficial. He’s been looking for some more substance from his male relationships for a while.
We’re about to have our first child and my husband is realizing that he doesn’t really have anyone to lean on. His friends are okay with being supportive but in a kind of dismissive, “you’ll be alright” kind of way. It’s been hitting him hard and making him feel very alone.
I know I can’t make friends for him, or tell him what to do, but Im curious how you guys navigate feeling lonely in your male friendships (if so) and what kind of support might help you during those hard times.
Thanks in advance if anyone reads this and for your opinions and sharing your experiences.
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Personally? Just not being invalidated is a big step. Just being listened to. Male loneliness isn’t about every single guy deserving a wife or something, it’s about feeling safe expressing yourself and reaching out for support.
A lot of women complain that when they vent to their husband, instead of listening and empathizing he will just offer practical solutions which is not the point. These days it seems the same thing is happening to men in turn. Everything is coming around to “it’s your fault, make an effort and fix it, you’re just whining” even by other men. Trust us, men know where to go and what to do for practical solutions and all.
Plus when you ask a lot of men why they don’t reach out, they’ll express that when they did they were belittled or hurt for it. So I don’t think it’s that others have to do emotional labor for men and teach them and be there for them always, but just don’t treat any sign of vulnerability with judgement or suspicion and that goes a long way.
A big one is having real friends and people to turn to who will ease the burden, that won’t break you down more or criticize you until you can confront the cause.
I didn’t have and have never had anyone to lean on, so I just sorta learned to keep things to myself, found other outlets for my built up mental strain, loneliness etc, mostly lifting. It’s not ideal, but I’m working most hours of the day, don’t have much time to deal with or even think about being lonely. That’s my experience, here is my advice:
I would advise him to join some sort of club or group activity, for a sport, tabletop game, anything. The more people he exposes himself to, the higher chance he’ll find a quality friend.
Furthermore, it’s a lonely road for some guys, because we’re mostly expected to be the support all the time, no room for or own problems. My advice to you is to just listen to him, don’t turn anything on him, just let him talk about stuff and listen. A lot of guys don’t have that, stuff just keeps on building up inside and it hurts.
On one side it feels a bit strange that he starts thinking about it just now, when you will have a baby. Usually people get really involved around newborns and they don’t have much time for friends. I might be wrong, but this is my observation with friends and relatives.
On the other side – people can change or rather grow out of their child persona. Sometimes it is really hard for people to grow and they get left behind. There are a lot of reasons why you might not get along with your old friends, but I know one thing for sure – communication is key!
And I am dead serious. People don’t know what is on your mind, so if you don’t call them and just say: “we haven’t met for so long, do you want to catch up this weekend or whenever you have free time?” – this kind of communication is essential for having a successful social life. Idk how often your husband calls his friends, but it might be as simple as that.
Now if it doesn’t work even if he tried with his current circle. Then there is not much he can do other than finding new friends the old fashioned way via hobbies, sport activities or any community/group in the area where you live.
So it is one of those things – a problem with the mindset/growth, communication issues, lack of social environment or personal development. Working on all of those aspects will help him with having good meaningful friendships.
And remember – you can always try and put effort to reconnect with someone that made a good impression on you or you can always try to find new friends which can become a valuable part of your social life.
Men usually are “you’ll be alright” type because since the beginning we learn and often strive to be self-dependent. Most men have already learnt to accept loneliness, I know this is not something you want to hear but to find friends who you can lean on in todays world is very difficult. If he is young then this is the phase where he would learn that accepting self dependency is the only thing that would truly help. The problem might not be that he wants to lean on anyone the problem maybe that he doesn’t have friends to hang out with.
It’s nice that you want to be supportive, but this is not something you can fix for him. If he’s not putting the effort into building new relationships with new friends, then that’s not really something that you can help him with very much. It’s an especially awkward position for you right now because you’re about to have a kid, which means that regardless of anything else, you’re gonna be more occupied with the baby than you’d be socially. What some young couples do is get together to have game nights, or wine and cheese nights, or gourmet food nights with other couples of similar ages. That way, you’re not out in public, but the kids are taken care of and all can decompress and have a good time. Then it’s still up to him to actually make those friendships, but it’s easier than just waiting for something to pop up completely organically.