I don’t know how I got here.
On paper, we’ve built a life together: we bought a house, we have two cats, we share daily routines. We’ve been together for a decade. From the outside, it looks stable and even “successful.” There’s no cheating, no drinking, no dramatic dealbreakers. She’s a good person.
But inside, I feel restless and heavy, like I’m simmering under the surface. The passion is gone. Our days are just wake up, go through the motions, sleep, repeat. Sometimes I wonder if we even like each other anymore, or if we’re just moving through habit.
What weighs on me most is how much responsibility I feel for her emotions and for our life together. Every action I take, how much energy I give, what I say, even the mood I bring into the room, feels like it directly impacts her. It’s exhausting to feel like I’m constantly managing not just myself but the balance of the whole relationship. Mortgages, pets, it’s all way more than I was ready for, but we’re a decade in, and it feels like it all just… HAPPENED AROUND ME.
She’s noticed that I’m being more distant and won’t leave me space to figure it out alone, keeps talking about how it impacts her and how lonely she feels. I understand, I’ll admit I haven’t been talkative, but I just don’t have any space to process and I feel so guilty for wanting to take it.
I go in circles between maybe this is just a “long-term relationship lull,” and it’s on me to push through it, or maybe I’m ignoring the truth that we’ve grown apart and I’m scared to let go of the stability we’ve built.
I don’t want to blow up a steady life just because I feel restless. But I also don’t want to look back in five years and realize I stayed in something hollow out of fear.
How did I end up here? I’m the bad guy, I’m the one we hate that CAN’T COMMIT.
So my questions are: how do you know if what you’re feeling is just personal restlessness vs. a dead relationship? And how do you decide when it’s time to stop trying and move on?
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2 choices here.
Do nothing
Do something
If you do nothing the chances are things won’t change / may get worse, but very unlikely to get better.
If you do something – and by that it’s couples counselling or separation.. then at least things will change, and you’ve more control over how they change.
Why not just talk to your partner about it? Reddit isn’t going to have the answers you need. Whatever’s going on didn’t happen to you alone… it takes two to build and keep things. Sounds like you are looking for encouragement to break things off. Or do you just want someone to tell you it’ll pass, while you blindside your girl and end up dealing with the fallout later anyway?