Hi everyone, hope you’re well.
I’m in my mid 20s, and living in extremely HCOL city. In my culture, it’s typically encouraged for children to stay with their family until they’re more established in their career and can afford their own mortgage/rent.
My parents had me relatively late (35 & 39), and now with them in their 60s, I’m feeling a sense of guilt and dread about the idea of moving out of home.
This is something I’ve been wrestling with for years, but I have no idea how to navigate it. My parents rely on me for all sorts of things, ranging from general home maintenance, their health, tech issues, etc.
From a financial POV, things are good. We have no debt, and they receive a pension which covers all expenses and allows for money to be saved. I also have a good job, and I am always happy to help them cover emergency/household expenses if/when needed.
I’ve discussed my plan with my parents – to move out and rent relatively close (~30 mins) from home, so that I would be available if they needed me, plus I can stay over on the weekends if needed. In addition, I’m considering paying for a cleaner + gardener to visit periodically to help around the home.
In the next 10-15 years, if needed – I am also open to the idea of leasing an apartment for my parents, just so they would be closer to amenities and any health clinics.
I really would appreciate any advice. Thank you in advance. Peace.
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You have my blessing. 30 minutes away is still close enough to help.
My dad is in his 80s, my mom in her 70s. I’ve worried about my dad especially for 15 years. I can’t identify with the anxiety of actually moving out, which happened shortly before my 18th birthday. But you’ll worry about them no matter where you live. And now that I’m a parent in my mid-30s myself, I can tell you they want to see you spread your wings and build the life you deserve. You sound like a great son and they know you’ll be there when they need you.
Both of my parents couldn’t wait for me to move out, even though I was the youngest by several years. They basically made the decision for me whether I wanted it or not.
In your situation, it sounds like waiting longer will only make them more dependent on you, which in turn will make it increasingly harder for you move out. Children can get trapped in this cycle and miss out on living their own life because of this, especially when there are few or no other siblings to split the duties.
You didn’t explain your spousal situation. In many cultures, marriage is the time that a child moves out and sets up their own home. It sounds like you may be missing out on a social and romantic life because of the time you are committing to your parents. If so, this is another reason in favor of getting out on your own.
I’m a bit older than you and my parents are the same age as yours… No matter what your plans are they are going to change. You and my father have a lot in common, when he started a family with my mom he was so absent getting caught up in every minuscule request his parents have that my mother gave him an ultimatum “do you want to support and live with your family or your parents.”, basically she was going to kick him out, and she had a point.
I think your choice not to leave has made things harder for everyone, your parents have no sense of responsibility in terms of making arrangements beyond calling their son, and you can’t imagine a life without your parents. Yes you have financially benefitted, but you have all lost any sense of independence. Yes! You should move out, but you need to work with your parents on alternatives, helping out once a week, taking them to appointments once a month is fine, but HCOL states have services that help seniors. You may feel this is unnecessary, but the day will come when you will need help taking care of your parents when they cannot be left alone and you will not be able to watch them and the sooner you figure this out and you have it set up in the better off you will be.
I have been told be several therapist and friends that “I am not the parent” whenever I have expressed a sense of responsibility towards my parents. The ship has sailed on the codependence thing you’re gonna feel pretty messed up, but if you stay any longer, it might mess you up even more. nowhere. If you have siblings, I suggest you get in touch with them if they are available.
Zero anxiety. Moved out and had a better more mature relationship with my family. Otherwise, failure to launch.
Start by having adult conversations about maintaining the property, how you will still help them physically with personal needs inside the house, but you need to distance yourself from physical labor inside and outside the building. This way they can start getting landscaping, cleaneners, and drivers into the home. Make sure they understand you still love and support them but you need to claim back your personal time to work on your life. They need to slowly adjust to you leaving in a way that is healthy and compassionate, they need to build their own parachute.
I just left because I didn’t feel any anxiety about it at all. Leaving the nest is what is supposed to happen. I started by moving to a city 2.5 hours away. Lived there for eight years. Then I moved across the world for five years. Not a single anxiety was had. They’re grown ups who know how to look after themselves. Or if not, then accidents, illness, and death are all a part of life and meant to happen too. Hovering around like a worried little helicopter is not going to stop time from passing.
So my advice is, live your life however you want to. If you want to worry about your parents, go for it. But if you want to live for yourself, go ahead and do that instead. There is no guilt or shame in either option unless you decide to feel that way about it.
I am 30 and parents are very old and very lonely as they couldn’t make friends when they moved to this country.
I live 1 hour and its completely fine. I can visit them on the weekends or call them.
Upto 1 hour is a day trip so don’t stress.
When they had kids at that age they should understand this may happen.
id always have a nest egg you can use at a moments notice: whether for a funeral or rental deposit.
you cant garantee that you will find something within 30 mins as everybody else is looking for the same thing.
unfortunately if one gets dementia they go downhill very fast. then you have to set up PoA. so that if things go bad they will be taken care of as per the PoA wishes.
I lost anxiety when I left, because it turns out it was them that were causing it