I’m in my 30s and it’s been quite an awakening with my relationships and career. I’ve gained and lost friends some because life just got busy and others because I realized they just weren’t really good people. One friend in particular I cut ties with because she was mad that I got hired at a new company with better pay and benefits and I decided to leave the job we both worked at.
she called me out of my name and not in a playful manner either. The moment I put my two weeks in she decided she wanted to go on vacation and was rude and kept asking when I’m planning to leave because she wanted to go on vacay. She wanted me to cover for her as if we didn’t work with other people but the truth came out when I told her I’m not sure since I still need to sign a few more documents. That’s when the beans spilled, “you think you’re hot shit cause you got a new job!”. Mind you that never ever crossed my mind especially at 24 working overnight where my boss was always late with the checks and would cut me short sometimes was not somewhere I wanted to stay at. I was just wanting something that would pay off my car.
Before I left I remember one of the other employees told me she would talk bad about me and said I was too naive when I came to the hospitality industry. I wasn’t naive I just didn’t give a damn after a while
Especially working in a franchise.
I don’t talk to her anymore and don’t ever plan to but I do think about her sometimes especially since we grew up together. Eventually I came to terms that she just wasn’t who I thought she was.
I’m curious to know how did you find out or what action led to you to end a friendship that you thought would’ve been life long?
How did that conversation go?
Was it something they did or said that made you cut ties all together?
Do you think about them or how they’re doing?
Thanks in advance!
Comments
Something subtle I’ve noticed is when they make fun of your voice or if they bring up the same thing again and again it’s because they are fixated on it.
For me, it was comments like that. They just cannot hold it in. Your gut is correct entirely plus confirmed by other people you both work with. If you talk about it, she will gaslight you. If you decide to move forward, can you really trust her?
And story time if curious:
Friend was my maid of honor, she didn’t plan a thing for the wedding and at my engagement party, she was being coy about her dress (she was the host). She basically showed up just to do her hair and makeup(did not decorate or help me) and her dress was a copy of mine in a bright color instead of white (she had picked mine out with me so she knew). She proceeded to give me attitude the entire time and did not act like a host nor take pictures with me. Something that stuck to me was during a group picture everyone made a joke and she said “you really think you’re funny”. It was dark.. her tone.. anyway I cut her off and told her exactly why. She called me paranoid. I don’t regret it at all.i knew her since childhood and once i cut her off you’d be surprised how many people came forward that she was a “hater”
My best friend had a drinking and it seemed be getting worse. He was misremembering things, paranoid and increasingly accusatory. He started accusing everyone around him if gaslighting him. When he decided to accuse me, and I found out about it from a mutual friend, I just silently walked away.
If he truly felt that(and I’m not convinced that he did) then I did him the greatest favour by leaving his life. 2 years later he’s still mad about and takes pot shots at our mutual friends for telling me.
I still think of him sometimes same I hope he’s doing better. Our friendship meant a lot too me but cutting away was the right decision.
Recently it was a group of girls I’m friendly with at school. I’ve been deciding whether or not to get closer with them, but I’ve decided not to.
The first red flag was they rag on one girl in our group behind her back, but never have the conversation about her behavior they find problematic, so nothing about that dynamic changes.
Anything I say about someone I am not afraid to say and have conflict about as that’s how authentic relationships grow and strengthen.
They avoid conflict so everything remains shallow and tense.
Second is ignoring my boundaries for the sake of some unimportant task. I’ve been ill recently and one of the girls badgered me about something’s that was not urgent and completely disregarded I was trying to rest due to illness. A friend would be more considerate.
Third is weird competitive flexing behavior. Like I make comment and it’s seen as an attack so the dialogue between us turns into one-upping. I interpret this means from their perspective I’m seen as a threat not as a friend.
I’ve summed it up as weird micro-aggressions/unconscious bias,and poorly managed stress behaviors.
I’m ready to move on.lol
Sorry for your loss! I’ve lost (college) friends, and some friends as an adult and it’s normal to think about them because you were bonded at one point and shared a similar life stage. This is usually how friendships are maintained and once there’s a shift in that shared space (you getting a new job), I think it’s human (though not right) for people to look at their own lives and wonder if they’re behind and act out on their insecurities. It’s likely more about them than you.
In other cases, drifting apart is natural. One friend gets married, another has kids, one moves away and your priorities just change because if you’re not married/ have kids, it’s difficult to maintain the relationship you were used to.
My advice is to be the friend who is wholly secure in their life and decisions and hopefully it’ll attract people that share the same perspective as you.
Trying to embarrass me in front of other people especially men I was not even interested in.
Highlighting my flaws and bringing them up constantly as a joke
Being visibly shocked if we were out and men gave me any attention.
Being friends with my haters.