Give yourself a whole year to regroup. Be sure to be a good father if you have kids. Keep your job. Don’t destroy your diet or health. But, don’t have high expectations in your personal life this next year. Make a plan for moving forward. Go on a solo vacation…something you want to do but have never done. Then, when you get back, start working on making that plan real.
Found a good therapist (went through a few that weren’t a good fit). Worked on myself and built confidence.
Eventually started dating again with better boundaries.
Hired a couple of escorts, got my mojo back. Then subsribed to fetlife where I met woman in real life. I simplified my life. Bought a kindle and read a lot of books. Played videogames. Focused on getting a better job.
24 months. The first few you’re numb. Then the depression hits. Then you gotta get into the therapy and work through your shit, learn some things about yourself, and get some tools for your emotional intelligence toolbox. It’s a chance to reinvent yourself by getting in tune with who you are and want to be.
Edit: I strongly suggest avoiding any serious relationships until at least two years after the divorce. There’s no shortcuts for time.
Did I ever get over it? No. Over a decade later, 8 years into my current marriage, and I’m still not ‘over it’.
But it helped me get past the worst part. Between boot camp, MCT, and MOS training; that was near a year of physical, psychological, and emotional turmoil that didn’t give me time to dwell on what I’d lost.
I suppose do a bit of looking back, what are the lessons to take from it, probably should be a good learning experience. I had a pretty therapeutic night with a moderately responsible amount of whiskey going through 7 years of photos on my phone and not just remember in the good but also the other stuff. The pattern at the start was like “aww I remember that! Aw we were so cute” as we went on I noticed how we both changed, how I cared less, how she became cruel at times, towards the end there were some photos me me out on my own because she didn’t want to spend time with me, I recalled all those conversations, next day I felt a lot better. It rationalized a lot about how we both changed and why it all happened
There is no getting around it; the first year sucked. It sucked hard. Bitterness, rage, nihilism, depression, lethargy, and personal neglect.
I survived the first year with multiple parallel strategies. I lost myself in work. This gave me a feeling of belonging and being valuable again. I did things that were verboten before: played video games all night with my brother. I bought a junker classic car. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and got rid of all her shit. This gave me a sense of control over my life. I also reached out to friends and family and spent a lot more time in their company.
Year 2: emergence. Began to speak to strangers again. I was not so afraid of leaving my house anymore. I was still incredibly cynical about relationships, but not so cynical about life anymore.
Year 3: acceptance and the new normal. Accepted that being single is the normal state and that being partnered is the abnormal. Spent a bit of time on dating apps, but in a casual IDGAF kinda way. Realized that there is no such thing as a happy-ever-after for me. And thats ok. I firmed up personal boundaries and walled-off naive romantic ideals of my youth. Met someone to kill time with. But ill never feel like I’m “a unit” with someone again. I’m an individual who spends time with other people instead. I’ll never trust again.
I guess its year 4 now. Divorce is final and I will never have to deal with her again. I upgraded my certification, and then won a promotion at work. I’ve “made it” now, at a high level for my organization. I have my house and my stuff and my peace of mind and my privacy. I’m the youngest old person, in the sense that all the people my age have kids in school and wives and stuff. I’m just me. I built castles in my favorite video game, I collect things. I’m the fun uncle I guess. I watch YouTube mostly for the DIY videos and nerd lore and memberberries and science stuff. I save a lot of money now compared to before.
Thats how I’ve moved on from divorce. The path looks different for each person. I hope that you get through the hard parts and find your peace.
Lost weight as a priority, went on dating apps a month after separating from
my wife, met a lovely girl and we’re still together six years later and getting married.
I know this is counter to what most people would recommend, but if you’ve been in a really dead relationship for many years, I don’t think you necessarily need a year to regroup.
Focussed on the kids (ably assisted by my Labrador). Stayed in touch with friends and family. Made sure I kept up at work.
I also made a habit of having fun when the kids were with their mother. A relationship wasn’t on the cards, but I had FWBs, I went out with friends, went fishing (fuel budget was a bit diminished), went hunting.
1-cheated on-so I locked down all financials, changed locks & bagged all her stuff. Emailed her to only contact me through my lawyer. Never spoke to her again.
2-after 6 years my ex discovered she doesn’t like the shared structure of marriage (irl she’s always been the boss) & in short we worked out a deal to essentially “buy” me out. We worked out everything without lawyers & went separate ways.
I’ll be 40 in a week and hopefully in six months will be through this fucked up situation. I didn’t ask for any of this but I’m going to weather it the best I can. Absolutely commenting and watching for myself on this one.
Takes a lot of hard work. A lot of personal development and surrendering to things you cannot control or change. Take very good care of yourself physically and mentally
I made my life all about the kids, because they really needed it.
Enjoy doing all the stuff you gave to I’m order to be with your ex. We all comprise parts of ourselves to be in any relationship. Eat the foods you want to eat, watch the movies you want to watch, do the things you want to do.
Identify the things that your spouse brought to the relationship that you liked, and then learn to do those things yourself. In my case, my ex was really great cook, so I taught myself to master all the same sort of stuff she used to make. She also had a sense of aesthetics, and decorating which did not come naturally to me. So, I learned about interior decorating, went on Pinterest and looked around and found my own personal style, bought a shit ton of house plants, learned what an “accent wall” is, etc.
I’m way, way happier now than I was when I was married. I would give it another shot someday, but my list of things to look for in a partner is radically different now.
One day at a time. Focused on work and old hobbies that I previously didn’t have time for. Changed my routine so as to avoid reminders of who is missing. Made sure to see friends as often as possible.
You hit rock bottom first. It’s the worst most painful thing ever. It’s horrible. And my ex wife and I had a very easy divorce. No kids. No affairs. Just wanted something more we couldn’t get from each other.
But she was still a close friend. The loss of that relationship and all the relationships we formed witb other people. Ugh. It was painful.
It’s 9.5 years now and I have the most amazing wife and we even have two kids. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted out of a relationship. It’s so awesome.
Guessing divorce wasn’t your idea. After years of trying to get my wife to counseling she filed then got angry I told the kids she’d filed. I certainly wasn’t going to sit there while she told the kids it was OUR idea. Anyway, after a shared cry with the kids, I found I could stop taking stomach acid medication. Sure, money’s been difficult but there’s no doubt I’m better off without her screaming and belittling. So, John Candy, be happy for what you have not what you may have lost.
Don’t be an ass go to therapy right off the bat before jumping in with someone else. I jumped into a relationship 2 months after we decided to separate. When I broke up with that girl I had a hell of a lot of problems. Mostly because the relationship was better than my marriage ever was and when that went away it ruined me.
Time.
Also, surround yourself with good friends and family.
It’s been 15 years now and I’ve remarried, have 2 amazing kids, and life is so much better than I could have ever imagined.
I was very convinced that I would be taking some me time, doing some introspection and laying off ladies for a while.
I ended up swimming in poon, just absolutely destroying ass from tinder. Tried polyamory, had two girlfriends and a rotating side piece shot slot, and was still (started?) banging my ex, once I moved out she wanted sex more than when we were married (don’t do that it didn’t the well) but I was honest, I kept up my gym routine, I was safe (mostly) didn’t get any STDs, I’ve got a vasectomy so no body was getting pregnant, and I had several weeks where I was banging a different chick every day for 4-5 days straight.
Everything settled down in the fall, I stopped banging my ex, one of the girlfriends started a monogamous relationship so I stopped seeing her, the side piece action lost it’s appeal and I was down to one girlfriend who was poly and married… That was weird, it was fine when I was also seeing other people, but it didn’t make me feel good. I ended up finding a great lady to start a real deal monogamous relationship with, and I’m smitten as fuck with her. And she’s also hot as hell, and if I wanted to twist the knife on my ex, she’s 3 years younger than me, which makes her 15 years younger than my ex 🤣 she’s kind and thoughtful and sweet, and it took me about a year to find her after the divorce, but I’m glad I did some ho shit, along with a lot of therapy. That combination was really healing, especially because my ex made me feel undesirable (dead bedroom will do that) so having ladies falling over themselves to land on my dick was the ego boost I needed. I didn’t lie, I made every effort to be as kind and considerate to all of them as I could, and I only had to stop talking to a few because they wanted to keep hitting me up for sex to either cheat on their boyfriends, fuck me behind their friends back, or after I started a monogamous relationship. But I had a good time, I didn’t do anything skeezy or underhanded, and I got to have a lot of fun.
Ho phase isn’t for everyone, and I honestly was skeptical about it myself, but I have to say as long as you’re honest, I highly recommend it.
I hit on every female I could. Had sex with about 50+ within a few months. It helped me realize that I was born BIG, Girls loved getting oral and those that stayed the night got a second date.
My ex had told all her girlfriend that I was small. One of the husband’s clued me in. So at one of our BBQ parties I suggested that I would prove that I was NOT small.
Most of the wives and girlfriends were actually shocked at how BIG I was
My marriage was bad for ten years. She treated me like garbage. When she asked for a divorce, I was initially sad but very quickly realized it was a huge positive for me. I was doing weekly therapy, started doing yoga and running, met someone really cool and exciting and life really changed for the better. Did I wait long enough? Most would say no, but man I was miserable for a decade while married.
Comments
I didn’t
I haven’t, it’s been almost 2 years.
Give yourself a whole year to regroup. Be sure to be a good father if you have kids. Keep your job. Don’t destroy your diet or health. But, don’t have high expectations in your personal life this next year. Make a plan for moving forward. Go on a solo vacation…something you want to do but have never done. Then, when you get back, start working on making that plan real.
Focusing on the kids
Found a good therapist (went through a few that weren’t a good fit). Worked on myself and built confidence.
Eventually started dating again with better boundaries.
She made it quite easy for me to leave. Have found solice in the single life, getting back to who I was before her. Much happier.
My divorce was one of the happiest events of my life. Every day since has been amazing and has shown me just how wonderful being alive can really be.
This isn’t an end, it’s a new beginning. You only get so many heart beats – go and focus on the things you want to do.
Started dating again several months after separating. Met my now fiancé. Life is good.
I haven’t fully. Not having to see your ex on a semi regular basis at work has not made for an ideal decade and a bit for me.
Hired a couple of escorts, got my mojo back. Then subsribed to fetlife where I met woman in real life. I simplified my life. Bought a kindle and read a lot of books. Played videogames. Focused on getting a better job.
Get your life in order and just move on. Oh yea date a lot of random women too.
24 months. The first few you’re numb. Then the depression hits. Then you gotta get into the therapy and work through your shit, learn some things about yourself, and get some tools for your emotional intelligence toolbox. It’s a chance to reinvent yourself by getting in tune with who you are and want to be.
Edit: I strongly suggest avoiding any serious relationships until at least two years after the divorce. There’s no shortcuts for time.
Three day long party great time
Very nicely, but I did make my second wife wait ten years before I married her. Still married, been together 25 years.
An exact quote:
“Fuckit! I’ll just join the Marine Corps.”
It worked out.
Did I ever get over it? No. Over a decade later, 8 years into my current marriage, and I’m still not ‘over it’.
But it helped me get past the worst part. Between boot camp, MCT, and MOS training; that was near a year of physical, psychological, and emotional turmoil that didn’t give me time to dwell on what I’d lost.
it’s a long learning process that can almost be a whole university degree if it weren’t so politically incorrect
some say find another special someone.
but i remember this quote from chris rock “women cannot go back in lifestyle. Men cannot go back sexually.”
I celebrated a new life
I suppose do a bit of looking back, what are the lessons to take from it, probably should be a good learning experience. I had a pretty therapeutic night with a moderately responsible amount of whiskey going through 7 years of photos on my phone and not just remember in the good but also the other stuff. The pattern at the start was like “aww I remember that! Aw we were so cute” as we went on I noticed how we both changed, how I cared less, how she became cruel at times, towards the end there were some photos me me out on my own because she didn’t want to spend time with me, I recalled all those conversations, next day I felt a lot better. It rationalized a lot about how we both changed and why it all happened
Use your hand more.
Separated 2021. Divorce finalized 2024.
There is no getting around it; the first year sucked. It sucked hard. Bitterness, rage, nihilism, depression, lethargy, and personal neglect.
I survived the first year with multiple parallel strategies. I lost myself in work. This gave me a feeling of belonging and being valuable again. I did things that were verboten before: played video games all night with my brother. I bought a junker classic car. I cleaned the house from top to bottom and got rid of all her shit. This gave me a sense of control over my life. I also reached out to friends and family and spent a lot more time in their company.
Year 2: emergence. Began to speak to strangers again. I was not so afraid of leaving my house anymore. I was still incredibly cynical about relationships, but not so cynical about life anymore.
Year 3: acceptance and the new normal. Accepted that being single is the normal state and that being partnered is the abnormal. Spent a bit of time on dating apps, but in a casual IDGAF kinda way. Realized that there is no such thing as a happy-ever-after for me. And thats ok. I firmed up personal boundaries and walled-off naive romantic ideals of my youth. Met someone to kill time with. But ill never feel like I’m “a unit” with someone again. I’m an individual who spends time with other people instead. I’ll never trust again.
I guess its year 4 now. Divorce is final and I will never have to deal with her again. I upgraded my certification, and then won a promotion at work. I’ve “made it” now, at a high level for my organization. I have my house and my stuff and my peace of mind and my privacy. I’m the youngest old person, in the sense that all the people my age have kids in school and wives and stuff. I’m just me. I built castles in my favorite video game, I collect things. I’m the fun uncle I guess. I watch YouTube mostly for the DIY videos and nerd lore and memberberries and science stuff. I save a lot of money now compared to before.
Thats how I’ve moved on from divorce. The path looks different for each person. I hope that you get through the hard parts and find your peace.
You get up every day
A U Haul.
Lost weight as a priority, went on dating apps a month after separating from
my wife, met a lovely girl and we’re still together six years later and getting married.
I know this is counter to what most people would recommend, but if you’ve been in a really dead relationship for many years, I don’t think you necessarily need a year to regroup.
Focussed on the kids (ably assisted by my Labrador). Stayed in touch with friends and family. Made sure I kept up at work.
I also made a habit of having fun when the kids were with their mother. A relationship wasn’t on the cards, but I had FWBs, I went out with friends, went fishing (fuel budget was a bit diminished), went hunting.
1-cheated on-so I locked down all financials, changed locks & bagged all her stuff. Emailed her to only contact me through my lawyer. Never spoke to her again.
2-after 6 years my ex discovered she doesn’t like the shared structure of marriage (irl she’s always been the boss) & in short we worked out a deal to essentially “buy” me out. We worked out everything without lawyers & went separate ways.
I’ll be 40 in a week and hopefully in six months will be through this fucked up situation. I didn’t ask for any of this but I’m going to weather it the best I can. Absolutely commenting and watching for myself on this one.
Takes a lot of hard work. A lot of personal development and surrendering to things you cannot control or change. Take very good care of yourself physically and mentally
I rebounded, just to restore my confidence. That didn’t work. She knew precisely her role in my life and was supremely empathetic.
Then I went to therapy. I shopped around until I found one that didn’t wanna just talk about my childhood.
Then I spent time figuring out what life looked like. Created new routines, and figured out what (productive) things to do with my free time.
Then I fucking lived it. I lived my best life. Fuck I had fun.
Then, when I was at least expecting it, a gorgeous woman came in and shattered my perception of what perfect looked like.
I made my life all about the kids, because they really needed it.
Enjoy doing all the stuff you gave to I’m order to be with your ex. We all comprise parts of ourselves to be in any relationship. Eat the foods you want to eat, watch the movies you want to watch, do the things you want to do.
Identify the things that your spouse brought to the relationship that you liked, and then learn to do those things yourself. In my case, my ex was really great cook, so I taught myself to master all the same sort of stuff she used to make. She also had a sense of aesthetics, and decorating which did not come naturally to me. So, I learned about interior decorating, went on Pinterest and looked around and found my own personal style, bought a shit ton of house plants, learned what an “accent wall” is, etc.
I’m way, way happier now than I was when I was married. I would give it another shot someday, but my list of things to look for in a partner is radically different now.
Take a year. Get a routine. Work on yourself.
One day at a time. Focused on work and old hobbies that I previously didn’t have time for. Changed my routine so as to avoid reminders of who is missing. Made sure to see friends as often as possible.
You hit rock bottom first. It’s the worst most painful thing ever. It’s horrible. And my ex wife and I had a very easy divorce. No kids. No affairs. Just wanted something more we couldn’t get from each other.
But she was still a close friend. The loss of that relationship and all the relationships we formed witb other people. Ugh. It was painful.
It’s 9.5 years now and I have the most amazing wife and we even have two kids. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted out of a relationship. It’s so awesome.
Guessing divorce wasn’t your idea. After years of trying to get my wife to counseling she filed then got angry I told the kids she’d filed. I certainly wasn’t going to sit there while she told the kids it was OUR idea. Anyway, after a shared cry with the kids, I found I could stop taking stomach acid medication. Sure, money’s been difficult but there’s no doubt I’m better off without her screaming and belittling. So, John Candy, be happy for what you have not what you may have lost.
Don’t be an ass go to therapy right off the bat before jumping in with someone else. I jumped into a relationship 2 months after we decided to separate. When I broke up with that girl I had a hell of a lot of problems. Mostly because the relationship was better than my marriage ever was and when that went away it ruined me.
Time.
Also, surround yourself with good friends and family.
It’s been 15 years now and I’ve remarried, have 2 amazing kids, and life is so much better than I could have ever imagined.
I was very convinced that I would be taking some me time, doing some introspection and laying off ladies for a while.
I ended up swimming in poon, just absolutely destroying ass from tinder. Tried polyamory, had two girlfriends and a rotating side piece shot slot, and was still (started?) banging my ex, once I moved out she wanted sex more than when we were married (don’t do that it didn’t the well) but I was honest, I kept up my gym routine, I was safe (mostly) didn’t get any STDs, I’ve got a vasectomy so no body was getting pregnant, and I had several weeks where I was banging a different chick every day for 4-5 days straight.
Everything settled down in the fall, I stopped banging my ex, one of the girlfriends started a monogamous relationship so I stopped seeing her, the side piece action lost it’s appeal and I was down to one girlfriend who was poly and married… That was weird, it was fine when I was also seeing other people, but it didn’t make me feel good. I ended up finding a great lady to start a real deal monogamous relationship with, and I’m smitten as fuck with her. And she’s also hot as hell, and if I wanted to twist the knife on my ex, she’s 3 years younger than me, which makes her 15 years younger than my ex 🤣 she’s kind and thoughtful and sweet, and it took me about a year to find her after the divorce, but I’m glad I did some ho shit, along with a lot of therapy. That combination was really healing, especially because my ex made me feel undesirable (dead bedroom will do that) so having ladies falling over themselves to land on my dick was the ego boost I needed. I didn’t lie, I made every effort to be as kind and considerate to all of them as I could, and I only had to stop talking to a few because they wanted to keep hitting me up for sex to either cheat on their boyfriends, fuck me behind their friends back, or after I started a monogamous relationship. But I had a good time, I didn’t do anything skeezy or underhanded, and I got to have a lot of fun.
Ho phase isn’t for everyone, and I honestly was skeptical about it myself, but I have to say as long as you’re honest, I highly recommend it.
Watch the show sex/life on Netflix and put yourself in the divorced guy’s shoes And see if you can relate to him.
Dated an 18 year old stripper with a bad coke habit. Fun scale 10/10 But man the ending of that rebound was nasty.
I hit on every female I could. Had sex with about 50+ within a few months. It helped me realize that I was born BIG, Girls loved getting oral and those that stayed the night got a second date.
My ex had told all her girlfriend that I was small. One of the husband’s clued me in. So at one of our BBQ parties I suggested that I would prove that I was NOT small.
Most of the wives and girlfriends were actually shocked at how BIG I was
Took my shit and found a decent townhouse to rent. Until I regrouped. It was only 1600 a month.
My marriage was bad for ten years. She treated me like garbage. When she asked for a divorce, I was initially sad but very quickly realized it was a huge positive for me. I was doing weekly therapy, started doing yoga and running, met someone really cool and exciting and life really changed for the better. Did I wait long enough? Most would say no, but man I was miserable for a decade while married.