I’m slowly healing to want to ask for my ex-fiance to pay me back for all the losses I incurred (I shouldered the majority of the cost while he depended on his parents since he was still finishing his studies). It’s really hard, took 5 yrs to be okay from depression and the trauma.
[Edit: to add more context] Tried to fix it again with my ex since he reached out to apologize 3 yrs after breaking up (I’ve been healing on my own in the first 2 yrs post-breakup). Now, I’m more sure that I don’t see a future with him since I’m always the one who contributes more into the relationship (financially, emotionally). He refuses to get a job nor go to therapy. This is why I wanted to ask for him to pay me back bec I’ve healed enough that I can look and trace back what I needed to fix within myself and what had happened, and demanding accountability/what was owed to me is part of my process of closing that chapter.
Although I’ll take into account the advise of writing off the expenses I’ve incurred, monetary, or otherwise. Thank you for being patient with me.
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I can imagine its like grieving a divorce. I’ve been through that. Having mutual friends was hard, because they weren’t sure how to becfriends with both of us – it was like they thought they had to choose sides.
To me, what helped the most was just time. The more time goes by, the less painful it is to deal with memories.
Keeping tabs on what’s “owed” will only keep that invisible string there nagging at you.
It’s best to wash your hands all together imo. If you don’t care about the money it will help you massively in letting go.
Forgive yourself- like say it outloud as many times as you need to. It’ll stick eventually
I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I have no doubt that is heart-breaking. I hope that you will find some peace as time progresses and as you rebuild your new chapter of life. Sadly, there is no quick solution to this. I wish you all the best.
I am sorry for your loss, but drop the money expectation and just move on. You won’t get anything and you’re retraumatizing yourself.
If it’s really been 5 years, you need to evaluate why you would be even speaking, let alone trying to get money.
Time was critical to recovery. Also, radical acceptance. Therapy helped too. It was very challenging, ugly and not cutesy spa days and wine with my girls (though that helped too). I had to be intentional about finding little pockets of joy.
I wouldn’t ask to get paid back. If he was dependent on you and others, the likelihood that he’ll be able or willing to pay is super low. Plus it’s not worth the disappointment.
When I think about what’s owed me, I see it as a down payment on my peace. Let them have it. Its gone. And I’ve gotten way more back in return.
Being dumped was one of the best things to happen to me. I met my wife after that and I know our marriage is a lot better than the other one would had been. I’ve been married for 25 years now with no end in sight.
I got a promotion and she didn’t want to get married. I needed to move across the country. I tried to convince her to go, she said “no”, and I left. I let her keep the ring. I moved on. I met someone new and got married (almost 28 years now). What really seemed to be the difference was that when my wife and I met, we both wanted to get married and have kids. We may have been from different backgrounds, but we were trying to get to the same place and that made all the difference.
Moving on. Easy advice to give, harder to follow.
But it IS the best way. This ended, and you’re going to realize you are better off without them.
Had an ex who was off the rails nuts. We were together for about 7 years. She thought it would be a great idea to “motivate” me to get married by kicking me out of the house. On Christmas eve. Had all of my stuff there at her place.
When she did this, a light went off in me. I realized how much easier it was without her drama and angst.
So I decided to stay gone. When we talked again around a month later, she told me that “I was the one that left her”. I said, “no you threw me out”. She insisted, that because I didn’t come back, that I was the one who broke this.
Then she says, “I only broke up with you because you were gonna break up with me”. Head is spinning now…
When you get some distance from this, you will realize it was all for the better, and you’ll start to see where the problems were. You were too close to things to realize what some of them were, but over time they will start to become visible. Once you start to see this, you’ll know you dodged a bullet.
God am I glad that’s in the past. I miss her like a root canal
What do you mean? You want to ask your ex-fiance to pay you back or the urge to ask him to pay you back is slowly fading? Or something else?
You must be a very together and competent person that you could support someone like that. Not ideal circumstances to show that, but it’s something to be proud of.
What do you think recovery would look like? Maybe what you’re envisioning isn’t realistic. Do you want to be the kind of person who could be cavalier about it agreeing to spend the rest of your life with someone and having it not work out?
5 years is about the right time to heal from past love.
How do we recover? We let it go. Full-on Elsa-mode. But we cannot fly until our wings are clear of the dirt that weighs us down.
Forgiveness is not required, but it sure helps. Storytime: When my adult step daughter died by suicide in ’16, my anger and frustration was throwing me into the abyss. The only thing she needed was a one-way plane ticket and she never accepted my offer. Anyway, once I forgave her from my heart and soul, my darkness began to lift.
Forgiveness works with the material realm, too. You will not be able to move on until you dissolve the idea that he will reimburse you for whatever. Unless you plan on taking the time to sue him (and you have the receipts to back up your case), just let it go, and forgive him. If it helps to let him know, don’t tell him until you are truly forgiving.
Therapy helps focus.
Well I went out drinking with some friends and met the love of my life.
The thing you have to accept is that no matter what you do — it didn’t work and that time, those years, and those memories are wasted. People give platitudes like “go to therapy” etc. and “time heals all” but the dark underbelly of those truths are the complex emotions of rage and regret.
You are mad he used you and wasted your life and time and want to make him pay. The thing is, people are just going to think you’re crazy as it’s been 5 years. Have some self awareness regarding this.
You were naive and believing and trusting and he used you. Now, you can change and let that innocent part of you grieve while a stronger and more wisened part of you grows and learns to protect herself.
He will come back for more blood to drain you as that’s the type of person he is. You can teach him a lesson then. Not now. Now, you distance yourself and heal.
Note: The way you write makes me think you’re from England so you may have different laws there. If it’s within the law to get your money back, do it, because yes he deserves to be taught a lesson.
People say violence isn’t good, but in my experience, being the better person is just being a door mat, and when you’ve been a door mat so long, the right protocol is to punch 🤛 the fucker in the face who maimed you. It’s one thing to be a flawed human being and another thing totally to lie and manipulate and exploit someone financially for years.
There’s better sex and laughter in your future my dear. Don’t let this loser take your wonderful future orgasms and excursions.
I paid for my ex to live in a different state, which helped her career prospects but hurt our relationship.
You just gotta let it go.
You can never heal while he “owes” you money. Let go. Be done with it. THEN you heal.
Small claims court if u can prove it
You celebrate not entering into a contract with the wrong person.
I didn’t give a crap about the money. Just dropped it and moved on.
It was more embarrassing actually to face family & friends, especially on social media since I tend to post pics and things. But honestly, people will probably gossip 2 mins about me and the move on with their life.
Therapy helps but I’ve been going for years. Just throw away the whole ex and don’t even look back.
He’s not going to pay you back, and then you’re going to have him living rent free (of course) in your head for years. That money is gone, you spent it on tuition at the School of Hard Lessons, and in the future you will be much more mindful of how much of your money and also time and energy you give someone without their respect, appreciation, and reciprocity.
Ultimately, you can’t make someone pay you back for what you chose to do instead of having boundaries. Especially when they ain’t got no job and ain’t gonna get one. What are you going to do, sue his parents?
I highly recommend The Self-Esteem workbook for moving on and not repeating these mistakes.
He doesn’t owe you. You did what you did out of what you thought was love. This is a learning lesson NOT to stretch yourself this way again. Don’t do it. Let it Go. Move forward!