I’m in the very early days of a breakup with someone I thought I was going to spend my life with (53M). I’m still in turmoil about the specifics of that, but I see that the merry-go-round of our anxious (me)-avoidant (him) cycle isn’t likely to end, that I’ve been working hard on myself and the relationship and he will not reliably do so. It needs to end, I’m tired of hurting, and yet I’m still very internally conflicted after 2.5mo. I have a therapist, and I have friends, but the advice I am hoping for is from people who’ve come out the other side.
1) How do you start to disentangle your lives when it’s so painful to do so? Separating our stuff, taking down photos, etc. It’s like trying to touch a hot iron when I think about doing so.
2) All of our future plans were together. I was working towards plans for moving to the same city, working on my apartment together, making long-term goals for a summer home, trips and summer vacations etc. I feel like I’ve also lost my goals and my direction in losing the relationship. I still love many of these ideas and plans, it’s just hard to figure out how to regroup solo. One of our big sources of adventure would be to take a road trip camping somewhere really beautiful and exception and out of the way. Between all the set up, driving long distances and tough roads, and the wandering in nature and hiking, these were much more easily done with someone else who could split the labor, had complementary strengths, etc. His presence brought me so much security that some of these dreams and fun would happen. I know logically that these things can happen without him, but I’m still stunned trying to figure that out.
My instinct is that throwing myself into a plan that gives me hope for the future can be a useful distraction and rebuild my confidence (and my life), but I’m desperately grasping around to find it. I just feel unmoored. My heart is too bruised to even consider dating or even casual sex (even though my this dismissive-avoidant ex has basically not touched me in years then ghosted me for two months during which he slept with exactly who he told me not to worry about….).
Your best advice about what brought you comfort and how you took on new goals alone is very welcome right now. xo
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Schedule time to let yourself feel your feels. Cry and be mopey and feel bad for yourself. When the time allotment ends, you dust yourself off and do your best to go on with your day.
Just start somewhere. You don’t have to do it all at once. Do one thing at a time. Even a piece of one thing.
Do things that make you happy. Prioritize this. Surround yourself with a positive support system – friends and family. Surround yourself with things that are you. Paintings, art, cool items that you always wanted but didn’t get because your partner wasn’t interested. Just pursue things that are authentic to you.
Go to therapy to heal your attachment issues. Look into boundaries. “Boundary boss” by Terri Cole is a good book. Also, “when the body says no” by dr Gabor mate.
Try meditation. A few minutes a day. There are lots of good meditation apps. Headspace, Insight timer.
Good luck. You can do this.
I don’t have the bigger picture. But I did something litterally today to make my anxiety regarding having children lessen.
I booked my first appointment for freezing my eggs. Expensive yes. But proactive about making better choices around partner and children and being in charge of my own life.
That could be a part of the grand scheme of getting on your feet again and getting hope for the future.
I cannot recommend therapy enough. When I was going through my awful horrible breakup, I was going to therapy every week, and then as time went on and I started healing I dropped down to every other week, and now I am going once a month but I found going every week during that time to be really crucial to helping me heal and start the grieving process.
Honestly the best advice I can give is also the most cliche and annoying advice, time heals. You have to give yourself grace and patience during this time. You are grieving the end of the future you thought you would have and that is so hard and so painful.
I am sorry you are going through this.
My ex cheated on me (or rather, got caught cheating) after 8.5 years together. No kids or pets.
The first thing I did was move out and crash with friends until I found my own place. I focused on not changing the other variables in my life (work, city).
I couldn’t imagine dating or casual sex for the first 6 months. I started getting on the apps after that. There were a couple of reasons for this. One, I was pretty young (early 20s) when I got into that relationship and that was my first serious long-term relationship, so I wanted to see what was out there. Second, I wanted to understand myself and my needs before I started looking for a new partner.
For me, healing meant basically being left alone. I genuinely enjoy spending time alone. I worked on my health, on building a space that I was comfortable in and felt safe in. Therapy was never an option for me because I’ve been in therapy before (for different concerns) and even the best of them couldn’t break through the stuff I rationalize. This is not to say therapy can’t help other people.
After 3 ish years of dating (most never went beyond the first date), I met my now partner. Things were so easy for us because I knew myself better, knew my needs well, my deal breakers, my must haves and most importantly, I had learned how to advocate for myself well.
I know you’re going through a difficult time, OP. I wish you luck and love to heal and find happiness, in whatever form that may be for you.
Others have already made great suggestions and I’ll add on to start with small goals in doing something for yourself and by yourself on a regular basis. Whether it’s starting a trip fund (you don’t need to know where you’re going or who with), movement related (solo walk, yoga, fitness), learning something new (join a course, download an app, read a book, get into a podcast), cooking nice meals for yourself… Get the momentum going in anyway that feels possible right now, and the rest will fall into place!
Don’t even worry about dating right now. As for finding your own personal goals – it will come but only if you’re proactive about it. We get used to anything after a period of time. People in relationships get used to forming plans with someone else. single people get used to coming up with plans themselves. It’s your moment to dig deep and find your independence, to figure out what you really want in the absence of someone else’s influence.
I moved across the country
Ask a trusted friend to help you is pack. Resist the urge to go through sentimental things, just pragmatically decide who gets what. Throw things in boxes – you can deal with the sentimental stuff later when in a better place.
Don’t worry too much about this yet. You need to grieve first. You have to grieve the shared life you had before you can jump fully into how to live independently. It’s tempting to launch into some big goal but make sure you are still feeling your feelings and doing the work and not just distracting. Distractions are absolutely important during this time, but it’s all a balance.
Personally I let myself be for a couple (admittedly difficult) months. Grieved, leaned on friends, tried to focus on self care. I had to move out of our shared space and I remember making my new space as comfortable as possible was a good thing to focus on and helped me not be so overwhelmed by the change.
After a few months I picked up running. This became a life changing thing for me in many ways but it literally started small…just trying to move my body and get some fresh air each day.
After a while I began addressing some of the bigger questions you bring up, about how to do continue to achieve goals and plan adventures that used to be shared, now solo. Ultimately for me it came down to not wanting to wait for or rely on a man to do certain things like hiking/backpacking/etc. But I still think that you need to give yourself some grace and time to just deal with your new normal before trying to sort of force yourself to get enjoyment and fulfillment out of solo adventures, if that makes sense.