My (35F) husband (40M) is deeply enmeshed with his mother. It didn’t seem like this in the beginning, but after some career trouble, he puts her opinions and wants above all.
We’re separated at the moment because I feel if I continue, I’ll end up raising him and any kids while his mother constantly interferes. Also, he has a hard time taking initiative and I had to help him fill job applications, etc.
We’re Indian, so he says this is normal (mind you my MIL cut off her in laws and lived life on her terms, so it’s a bit ironic).
I wanted to hear from the older folks here to see if you regret staying and if anything changed? Part of me is scared to let go of what I’ve tried to build for a decade (sunk cost fallacy). Also I’m terrified of dating again though that shouldn’t be a factor. Thanks!
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I’m 59. I took the passive-aggressive bullshit from my MiL until 7 years ago. She behaved horribly at my mom’s funeral, and I let myself be done.
Because I was no longer attending holidays and events and no longer subjecting myself to her, my life improved dramatically and immediately. I was very strategic about what questions I asked my husband about the in-laws and what I would discuss with him.
if it’s enmeshment you can take a look at r/marriedintoenmeshment
>and I had to help him fill job applications, etc
Whaaaaat? At damn 40? No offense, but your husband is literally incapable of being an adult. Maybe I’m pesimistic, or biased against enmeshed people due to my expierience, but I think that if someone is super incapable at a certain age, they’re beyond repair.
I will not tell you what you should do, but instead I’ll give you advice: When I was about to break up with my family-enmeshed ex-girlfriend (26 at that time), my biggest fear was that in the future I will end up again with someone similar and I’ll fail to recognize that early enough. After all it was just my brain messing with me in the heat of the moment.
I’ve learned so much thanks to that relationship that I’m able to sniff enmeshment in the 100m radius. /s
And no. Even though enmeshment is not super rare in Poland, it is not as bad in the dating market as I thought.
Who cares if it’s “normal”? You don’t like it and you don’t have to live that way, but if you stay that’s how it will be.