I’m 33F and my partner is 38M. We’ve been together for almost 2 years. He was previously in a relationship for over 10 years, and many of his friends (also in their mid-to-late 30s, most with kids) have known him through that entire time.
Even though things are great between us, I can’t shake the feeling that his friends haven’t really opened up to me. They don’t seem to initiate contact or invite us to group plans. Sometimes I wonder if they’re still emotionally loyal to his ex, or if it’s just that they’re in a different life phase (married with kids) and not looking to expand their social circle.
I’ve tried to be warm and open, but I still feel like an outsider — and that stings, especially as we talk about long-term plans like marriage.
How can I handle this dynamic? Should I bring it up with my partner, or just let it go and focus on building our own social life?
Any advice would really help.
TL;DR:
My partner’s friends haven’t really made an effort to get to know me, even though we’ve been together for 2 years. He was in a 10-year relationship before me, and I feel like they might still be loyal to his ex or just not that interested. How should I handle this?
Comments
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I guess it matters to know a bit about their breakup for context. If it was a mature mutual break up I don’t see why their friends are being this way.
Often after a breakup/divorce, I feel like you have to get a whole new set of couple friends.
Just keep doing you and focusing on your own relationship. You’re not in a relationship with his friends and as long as they’re not outwardly rude or hostile, I’d say it doesn’t really matter.
My husband’s sister was very cold when I met her and I still don’t know why. Maybe it was because she liked his ex (I think they were together 4 years or something), maybe it was because she’s just a cold person. I still don’t really know, but it was that way for years. She warmed up a little bit when we got married, and warmed up a lot after we had kids. Throughout all of this, I noticed, but never really cared. Either she would grow to like me or she wouldn’t.
I’d take the same approach with these friends. Either they will come around or they won’t. It doesn’t really matter either way.
Are they nice to you in group settings when you’re there? Unless they’re being rude or ignoring you, I really don’t think there’s much of an issue. Like you mentioned, they may be in a different stage of life if they have kids.
I’m not that close with my husband’s friends and their wives. We get together for dinner or brunch occasionally and we have a great time when we do see each other, but I wouldn’t necessarily consider any of them my friends.
The friends I go to for advice or that I really want to hang out with are friends I made before being with my husband (high school and college). Though those friends now live in different parts of the country, they’re the ones I would consider to be my friends.
I think that as long as your husband’s friends and their wives are nice to you there’s really not much of a huge issue?
They’re probably just at a phase of life where they’re too busy to worry about getting to know a new person. And since they’ve known your boyfriend so long, then it makes perfect sense that all invites/communication go through him and that they don’t reach out directly to you.
Do you have the sense that they’re regularly hanging out as a group but stopped inviting him (and by extension you) to those events? If so, then why don’t you worry more about asking him how he feels about that? If his friend group is slow-fading from him (because of the divorce or because he stopped reaching out to them or because of any other reason), then that’s a more upsetting thing than you not being immediate besties with his friends.