Hello,
I’m from the Southeastern part of Europe (the Balkans), where it’s quite normal to hear comments and even criticism about your physical appearance from relatives, parents, neighbors or even random folks..
For example, it’s perfectly normal for an aunt or uncle to say things like, “You’ve gained some weight,” or “Why have you lost so much weight? You look terrible—are you sick?”
People also often comment on clothing choices, saying things like, “That shirt looks awful on you, change it,” or “You look like a pig in that.
Comments
Every one of those would be extremely rude in the US.
I met my Balkan in-laws on my honeymoon when we visited them, and they commented that my wedding looked very nice and I would have looked nice too if I had only stood up straight. I have a medical condition that makes me look like I’m slouching even when I’m standing as straight as I can, and I’ve always been bullied about it. It made me cry to meet my new family and the first thing they said to me was an insult about my appearance.
JFC, those are all unthinkably rude
It’s rude in the US, and is it actually considered not rude in the Balkans? It may be considered normal, and it is in a lot of other countries to be more forward about that, but is it actually considered polite? Most places I know the actual “nice” people didn’t make those comments even if it was culturally accepted. I’ve never been to the Balkans though.
My in law is from Bosnia, she just got her dual citizenship recently.
She is very much not like this, but her parents are. They were even very blunt with me. So maybe it is more common with like … older Balkans?
Moms and Aunties have been saying out of pocket stuff to family FOREVER! ( it doesn’t make it ok tho). I think It’s pretty rude. If you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your comments to yourself.
I wouldn’t say it’s common. All those you list would be generally considered rude in the US. I typically don’t hear any of those from strangers or friends (besides friends calling me a “stick” sometimes).
Now my family on the other hand? That’s another story. Tons of immigrants, and especially my older relatives will throw anything and everything my way. “You look ugly in this photo” “you are too skinny” “this shirt looks terrible on you” “you don’t have any muscles” “you’re so dark”
My American mother taught me to not make personal remarks. If directly asked, I will gently respond, but otherwise I keep those observations to myself. The exception would be letting my spouse or children know if something is off, but they have already given me permission to assist, and I am always careful/respectful.
We consider it rude asf
You don’t really hear it. Maybe if it is someone very close to you, out of genuine concern. It is even frowned upon to mention if someone looks good.
Unsolicited comments about someone’s appearance are strongly frowned upon in the United States. Doing so puts one at risk of an extremely nasty response regarding a personal failure, with lots of cursing possibly involved.
There are people who make such comments, though – usually relatives. It often contributes to an uneasy – and possibly hostile – relationship between the two parties.
While I don’t care much what people say about my appearance – it doesn’t happen very often – I would never say anything negative about someone else’s appearance unless I was asked to offer an opinion.
Its possible it could happen in America.
But it’s extremely rude and a majority of people would never. Even if somebody thought it, out loud most people would try to think of something nice to say at the very least.
My experience is with Latin countries. I’d say Americans are pretty tame and as a whole we’ve learned not to be jerks when it comes to pointing out anything about someone’s appearance. However, as with anything there are exceptions… family members are usually the biggest culprits.
I’d say direct comments are generally not rude as long as they’re compliments. If they’re criticisms, even giving it indirectly is generally pretty rude.
Honestly, as a guy, I wouldn’t mind it if direct comments were a little more normalized; men generally get very few remarks one way or the other about their appearance, so it can be more difficult to know how people think you look
In the US those are literally fighting words😂 if you said them to a family member that would be considered verbal/mental abuse by a lot of people.. most others would just call it being an asshole.. if you said it to a random person you could expect to be punched in the face ..
Giving a compliment is common, being unbelievably critical/rude (like your examples) is not. Honestly, your examples are so over-the-top they would damn near be fighting words.
The saying “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all” comes to mind.
My mom’s from Kentucky and regularly says this stuff to her 4 daughters. Even though one girl is skinny as hell and goes to the gym. She still goes “your thighs are getting too muscular… they don’t look good and fit the rest of your body” Her thighs looked fine. They’re not muscular at all. My mom’s just being rude though lol
That sort of behavior would be considered extremely rude and unacceptable.
The issue is less about how direct you are and more about 1.) the presumption that anyone wanted the opinion in the first place and 2.) the degree of unnecessary severity or cruelty of the comment.
If you ask someone for their opinion you should be prepared to hear it. But if no one asked you, keep it to yourself. Next, directness doesn’t require insults or rubbing nose in their frailties. For example, calling someone a “pig” is unnecessary and justifiably considered a cruel insult.A better response would be “I don’t think that looks good on you. You should try this shirt instead”.
Not as much as they used to, IMO.
No. That is considered the height of rudeness where I live. Don’t come here and say those kinds of things.
if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all
I heard all of that and more from my mother when I was growing up in the 2000s. Actually, she said word for word all of that when I visited over Christmas
Therapy has taught me she was very likely projecting her own insecurities
That would be incredibly rude to make negative comments about family members, much less total strangers.
Also, why would that be acceptable for a total stranger to criticize the appearance of someone they don’t know, much less someone they do know? It’s not their business.
The phrase, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything” comes to mind.
Oof. Those are the kinds of comments that make people go no contact with their family.
I can only assume that mirrors are rare and expensive in the Balkans, so nobody would know what they look like if others did not helpfully tell them.
Every example you gave would be considered wildly rude. If you are very close to someone you could check on their wellness in a gentle way, like asking if they feel on or if they’re getting enough sleep. But generally speaking the only comments about appearance you should make are pleasant ones, or nothing at all.
Generally speaking, Americans don’t comment on family’s appearance unless its to say something positive.
Relatives and close family? It happens. Random strangers? Never. If they’re gonna say something its gonna be behind your back.
Many women in the US complain about random men criticizing their appearance. It is unfortunately not uncommon for men to come up to a woman to tell her: ‘I don’t like blue hair,’ or: ‘Eyebrow piercings aren’t attractive.’ Women of course don’t give a shit what men think of their appearance, especially dense men who come right up to you to say something so rude and stupid, and we laugh about those men later with our friends.
But every day normal people who are friends or family tend to not bring up a loved one’s appearance unless it is out of concern for their health.
It’s not normal here. In my family if we’re out shopping they will ask for my honest opinion because I’ll tell it. But it’s more, I don’t like that because it’s not flattering. I’d never be like it makes you look like a barn or something horrid lol. My husbands gma was great for telling you when she saw you after a while well, you’ve gotten fat! But her generation that was considered concern lmao I found her hilarious tbh. I miss her.
Basically, if it’s not something that can be fixed in the next three seconds, and if it’s really negative, don’t say it.
Like, if you’re close to someone, feel free to mention the spinach leaf on their tooth after eating or that their fly is open or whatever, just keep it surreptitious so as not to embarrass them.
As for calling folks “pigs” or demanding they change their clothes because you don’t think it looks good on them? Nah. As other people have said, those are almost sure to cause a fight.
My friend that lives in India liked to make comments on my appearance. I told him to knock it off or we would not be friends anymore. He stopped. lol
But it is ingrained in their culture too.
In the US it is Very rude to comment on someone’s weight. If someone is overweight-trust me-they know! It isn’t going to immediately make them thinner by pointing it out. It is just mean.
That’s generally rude in America, but I have heard of it happening in what I know to be American families, rarely. Maybe they came from the Balkans at some point! Lol! Jk OP
It is usually a much older aunt or grandparent who would say that sort of thing, and everyone just sort of gives them a look, and then looks at each other like, “oh well, what are you gonna do?”
I don’t think it’s uncommon from family even in the US. My mom and both of my grandmothers are/were all terrible about it. Definitely not common from friends/neighbors/random people though.
You don’t talk about people’s bodies or appearances. I would dropkick anyone who told me I’ve gained weight (I promise, I know!) or otherwise said anything about how they think I look these days
We’re so fat here it would be too insulting the majority of the time
You’d get decked dude, and especially if you’re messing with the wrong person. Would you say this to a 6’3 man or just to women? How does race impact your statements?
Pretty much the same from family, not from people on the street. Friends would tell me in a nice way to not wear the pig looking outfit again.
Some family members here act like that. They are not liked or trusted. It is considered verbal abuse because it contributes to lifelong self esteem and body issues.
american south here, my morbidly fat mom would absolutely love to tell me that i have gotten fat because it made her feel better about her body. i don’t think that’s normal tho. i think my mom was just fat and evil.
Fatass is a perfectly acceptable pronoun in Indiana.
Family or close friends in private will remark if you look like you lost too much weight to make sure you are okay, but we would be careful as to how we say it. We might also tell a person that an outfit looks terrible on them, but that’s reserved for certain people close to us. It’s extremely rude for a random person to do that.
The opposite of those are common in the US. I’ll stop a stranger and tell her I love her outfit and she looks great today. Are they also as direct in commenting about physical appearance when it’s good stuff?
We do not make comments like that.
Yes, aunt and uncle or family might do what you say especially if they are from other cultures like yours or other foreign countries. My culture included. And I’ve heard many people from immigrant families from other countries act exactly like you say.
But just within one generation, if we come from an immigrant culture but the following generation was raised here and grew up in american culture, many of us stop that kind of behavior at our generation. Because we grew up around americans. I can tell you my parents and aunts and uncles were like this decades ago. Because they have all been living here in america for 40-50 years, I have noticed all of them eventually stopped.
The americans who have been here for many generations don’t do it.
I would want to punch someone who said those things to me. We don’t need to put up with rudeness. I’d tell that person they were being rude or out of line and leave.
It’s always rude to comment on someone’s weight in the US. My mom is from Thailand and they also comment about peoples appearance and weight and I get so frustrated. I’ve had to tell my mom so many times to stop but it never does.
Idk why people are saying American families don’t do this, because they do lmao especially if you’re overweight.
Damn, people from the Balkans are SAVAGE. That’s a huge no-no, if someone here would say things like that to people, they would have very few friends.
I’d throw hands at my aunt if she called me a pig and said my shirt was ugly. I can’t lie 😂. It would be ugly for sure.
There’s outliers to everything, but the examples you give would be considered rude-to-extremely-rude in most of the US. Especially to random strangers.
Much more common 40 or 50 years ago. Social norms have changed tremendously since then.
Those are fighting words.
Americans will readily make positive comments about someone (I like your hair, that shirt looks great on you, etc.)
But if you make negative comments about someone’s appearance, it would be considered extremely rude here. Many of us heard as children “if you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.”
My grandmother used to tell me *lovingly* that I was too skinny and needed to eat more, and proceeded to heap my plate with tons of delicious homemade food. She said that to all her grandchildren and her children. I think she would have been happy if we were blimps lol. She grew up in extreme poverty. So to her, being fat meant health.
That’s about the only way I can think of where it’s not rude.
Oh. Hell no. Oh my gosh. 😱
Somebody’s mom might do this, but even then, it’s considered pretty annoying and inappropriate. Anybody else, absolutely not. That would be so rude in our culture that it’s almost unthinkable.
It’s not even just rude, it’s pushy and weird and cruel.
I would say if an American will make a comment it’s usually complimentary and based off something like an article of clothing and not figure or appearance.
Commenting on weight is an absolute taboo in the US.
All of that would be very rude and offensive in the US
it would be pretty normal in my family, you will find a wide range of variability here. I would think it’s more rude to *not* be honest with someone you care about if they are presenting themselves in an unappealing way. People can be honest in this way and not be mean to each other, it’s usually in more of a comedic way.
Depends on the people. I live in the Midwest where people are real sensitive to anything rude, but it doesn’t stop my in-laws from literally pointing and asking like a toddler when they see any deviation from the norm.
But it’s not “you look like a pig in that” it “why do you have such dark circles under your eyes??”
I’ve definitely never been actively insulted by a stranger over clothing choice though.
Very rude and mean. If you say something like that to certain strangers here, it might get you punched in the face, to be honest.
There is a saying in the US that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all
Unless some ask your opinion or you know them really well never say bad things about their appearance
Yes, there are rude people like that in the states.
Here on Reddit we usually tell the victims of these rude attacks they don’t have to invite those people into their homes.
I feel the rule of thumb is if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it.
I do ask for opinions from close family members on my hair and outfit that I know will give me an honest answer. Sometimes I need the blunt review so I can adjust.
In my family it would be more like a passive comment veiling what they really think and want to say…. “Oh, I noticed you’re wearing your hair up a lot lately” which means that it doesn’t look good like that and you should wear it down and put more effort into how you style your hair.
I just keep comments to myself. You don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.
we’re not at all direct with the occasional exception of first degree relatives like siblings and parents or someone with an equally close relationship. aunts, uncles, neighbors, etc, would be considered very rude if they said something like that.
My grandma once said she thought I had tights on, because my legs are so pale. In a negative way.
A rule of thumb (imo) is to NOT comment on others peoples bodies unless they open the conversation.
This is considered pretty rude in the US. We generally try not to insult people, especially strangers. A close friend you might privately ask if they’re sick if they’ve lost significant weight, but it wouldn’t be done in public, and you wouldn’t tell them how awful and ugly they look. Generally insulting others, especially based on appearances, is considered very rude and is frowned upon in the US.
Honestly, emotionally I don’t think I could survive if random people on the street were screaming at me how ugly, fat, and worthless I was every single day. I’m sorry you’ve had to endure that, even if you’re used to it, it can’t be easy.
That would be considered rude even amongst family, like something a child or an autistic person who doesn’t understand social etiquette would do.
Super rude here. I recommend you don’t say these, or people won’t like you.
I have psoriasis. Normally it is well controlled, but I’m currently suffering a major flare up. Many customers (basically strangers) approach this with caution. Some want to give advice. Some express concern that I’m contagious.
I find it amusing that this is brought up with caution because, when I weighed more than I do now, customers had no problem asking me when I was “due.” I’ve never been pregnant. The number of times I had to explain that to random strangers is ridiculous.
When I was in college I had to take a leave of absence due to an illness. I lost 10 pounds because I couldn’t eat solid food. I was fairly thin before this illness. When I returned I mostly got the positive version of “Have you lost weight?!”
Polite Americans have likely been on the receiving end of these comments and either STFU or want to give advice. The latter will start such a conversation with “Do you mind if I ask?”
It’s so uncommon here people will let you walk around with spinach in your teeth or lipstick smudged because they would rather not go through the awkwardness of pointing it out 💀💀💀 drives me nuts
None of those should be said to family or friends.
Not very direct.
It seems how people talk amongst their families varies quite a bit. The family comments you mentioned all seem very benign to me and I wouldn’t expect that anyone in my family is actually taking offense to them. If you only see a relative once a year, than they might have gained/lost significant weight, so why wouldn’t you comment on it?
I worked with a guy once from the Balkans area and it was so sad. One time we were making fat jokes.
He was once fat earlier in his life. I was told later that he was once like 300 lbs but still considered himself to be obese even though he was about average size (at least for an American).
He went on a long tirade against fat people and then ended with “I am sadden I am still a fyatt”
He straight up hung his head and didn’t say a word pretty much for the rest of the day.
The US is probably the least so. Compared to europe or asian, we barely comment on physical appearance unless trying to be outright insulting.
That said, it’s also partially generational. If you go back a few generations in the US those kind of comments were more common from mothers to daughters.
Americans would never say such things to you directly. The moment you are out of hearing range, though…..
It’s extremely rude to comment on someone’s appearance negatively. I’ve never heard comments like that lol. Positively commenting on someone’s appearance (“your hair is so cool!” Or “love your nails”) would be totally fine and encouraged though.
It’s considered very rude to comment on someone’s appearance (other than to compliment it) in the US. Some older people will still make rude remarks, but usually it’s more subtle like asking when they’re due or something like that.
My husband is half Korean and I remember the first time I ever met his Korean cousin and uncle (and the first time my husband had seen them in years), his cousin said to him as soon as we walked in “wow, you’ve gotten fat”. Not an abnormal thing for a Korean to say, but blew me away at the audacity 😂
If an extended family member said one of those lines to me in front of my husband there would be a fight. So yes – incredibly rude to say in the US.
sometimes it feels like america is the only country where youre expected to treat people nicely if you want to maintain a relationship with them 😭
That is considered bad manners where I am from (the Midwest)
Those are pretty rude and anyone here would feel uncomfortable hearing someone tell them that. The only person that could get away with that with me is my sister, but we are extremely close. And there’s still a difference, like if we’re in a store she’ll tell me No you should put that back, the waist on that shirt isn’t in the right spot for you, it squishes your chest down too much, or she’ll give another reason why there is something wrong with what I tried on and not that there’s something wrong with me. She’ll flat out tell me if my clothes don’t match, but we ask each other for advice and laugh about it. We tell each other if our hair is sticking up weird. We are very direct and don’t sugar coat things but we aren’t mean and we don’t insult the other person.
Very direct. People have no filters and trash others for their bodies
In the US, we have a saying we tell children: If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. We have similar advice for adults: if it can be fixed in 5 minutes, say something; if it can’t, don’t mention it.
Depends, but we’re mostly not direct in that sense, especially not to people who aren’t family.
Family sure… but even then, it’s still kinda blunt compared to how we’d phrase things. Usually older family members like grandparents who have little to no filter will say stuff like that.
If you said that to strangers or people who aren’t family, it’s just asking for confrontation.
If you said this to a stranger it’s borderline hands
I just want to apologize for the poor behavior of several of these Americans. I stopped reading after a couple of the top comment threads because they were so judgmental of your culture.
yes, we find those comments you mentioned rude. some parents and family will still make them. but we view this as unhealthy these days.
due to psychological studies of what helps people thrive, criticism has been found as not healthy for people or their relationships. many of us in pursuit of health for our families and ourselves, don’t engage in personal criticism.
though there are still a lot of Americans who criticize others for looks when they aren’t present. despite this not being viewed as a mature thing to do by many of us, it’s still quite common for it to be done, especially in the older generations.
My husband is Hispanic and employs mostly other Hispanics. A couple of years ago he lost a considerable amount of weight by changing his diet and running. Quite a few of his employees asked him if he was sick.
Also, many Hispanic nicknames tend to be physical descriptors—Gordo, flaca, Guero, etc. This doesn’t really happen in white American culture, at least not in my family/region.
Yeah, don’t do that here. My husband is from the Philippines and it’s pretty similar there with commenting on people’s appearance. They would comment on all of my pictures of my husband and say how fat he looks and it did bother my husband. Eventually I told them if they left another disparaging comment about him I would stop posting pictures that they could see and they could just keep up with their son and what we are up to via text
I’d say in Black American families it’s similar. Especially amongst the older generations.
I live in a neighborhood in Queens with lots of Balkan people. No one I’ve met has been rude or makes comments like this. I guess most Balkan peoples in the USA learn none of that is appropriate very quickly.
As a black American I can tell you it is pretty common especially with the elders. Common things you well hear is “you have gotten fat” and when your skinny you must be on that stuff and need to eat more or that you look sickly. Then you also can’t say anything back because we have this rule to always respect elders. Luckily I’m not that submissive and I’ll tell my family mostly my grandma and aunts that they are just as fat and skinny. Other people outside our family it would be considered very rude to speak on the appearance of someone unless giving a compliment.
That is extremely rude in America, and if you act that way to the wrong person, they would tell you how bad you look without your front teeth
My family is from Russia/Ukraine/old USSR and it’s totally normal for them to say that. I was born in the US so it’s rude when my aunt comments on how fat I am but I guess it’s normal over there. My parents never had any issues letting me know that I’m a fat fuck and will be seen as less than in our society. I’m actually shocked I’m not in therapy… Probably why I eat my feelings 🤷🏻♀️
It depends on how much they trust you and what they want from you to be honest. Most people don’t want to rush offending anyone because it might mean they don’t get what they want and because, in our culture, blunt honesty is often seen as cruel and judged/punished accordingly. Many people, especially in the south, give compliments that they don’t mean, as a way of reaching out, engendering favor, or trying to appear kind and ‘good’. In my opinion, it’s gross and sad, but it’s also expected. I keep my circle small for this reason, among many.
Editing to add: many people won’t even give a direct and honest answer when asked directly and may even resent you for making them uncomfortable by asking. It’s seen as poor manners by many and in the South, in my experience, it’s often seen as a sign of weakness or low class. Gross.
Yeah, in the US that would be extremely rude to tell someone they look terrible, or to say they look like a pig. How is that helpful? Oh right, it’s not.
My mom’s parents are from Italy and never talk like that. So maybe it’s just you.
Very direct when we like something, not at all when we don’t
General rule is anything they can change like how they dress is fair game, while anything they can’t change like their nose, their height, etc., is off-limits. They can’t do anything about it anyway so why call attention to it.
However, in general, it’s far more acceptable to make positive comments that cage complements like that shirt looks really pretty on you, but not negative ones. It’s far more acceptable to comment you look like you’ve lost weight than to say you look like you’ve gained weight. Even then, some people could be offended that you’re focusing on the physical attributes.
In general it’s best to pretend you don’t notice such things as if they’re not particularly important.
If your mother training a child how to groom themselves that’s a little bit different.
I’m not sure what kind of family dynamics most people here have, but those kind of comments (although framed more tactfully) wouldn’t be out of place in family setting. Strangers or neighbors though? Bad form.
Let me put it this way: I’ve had a black eye for a week after an incident with a tree, and not one person has commented on it.
Not. One.
In the US if they have any sort of decency those thoughts are kept in their head.
A friend might say “Wow, you look like crap” but it would always be either out of real concern or in a joking manner. A parent might ask if you’re sick. A spouse might tell you that your clothes look bad.
Uncles and aunts and strangers? No.
I’m not American, I’m a fellow slav (not balkan though) and I’m with Americans on this one. It’s rude and unecessary. I hate how normalized it is in our culture to be a prick.
Depends on your social group. It’s typically seen as rude but most of Reddit lives in a bubble and hasn’t experienced a lot of working class adults. Middle school and high school it’s common because kids are immature.
Once your past 18 I’ve seen these type of remarks common with veterans at defense contractors and people who are in the trades. Basically the more masculine blue collar the work is the more common you will hear remarks like this. I know several police officers who are still working and retired who talk like this.
Along College educated professionals, this behavior would not be tolerated but it depends more on class than anything else.
As an American from the part of the country that I’m from with a eastern European partner a lot of the things she’s told me about people saying to her has had me stunned with just how rude it comes across. Especially family or her parents friends. For context she is medically underweight but she’s told me stories about when she was on anti-depressants that caused her to gain some weight(still within a medically healthy weight range) and she got constant comments from her relatives.
The comfort with commenting about features of other people is considered outright hostile in the US especially if it’s phrased negatively. You express concern for people over their emotional well being gracefully or it’s seen as tactless. Some of those comments you expressed would lead to an actual verbal altercation with some Americans for just how badly they overstep what is seen as conscious emotional maturity.
For all the things our country gets wrong, this is one thing that I feel should be adopted in more places.
we don’t comment on weight as a general rule. but it’s normal for ppl close to you (friends, family) to say something like “that’s kinda unflattering”, or a bit more direct/rude “are you sure about that ___?”
however, mother’s/grandmother’s/aunt will sometimes make comments about weight.
So, we don’t comment on weight, but we politely tell people our opinions on things when asked. I don’t think a lot of Americans would say these things unprompted. We kind of have a “to each their own” mindset, for the most part. Of course there are people trying to force people to do/be certain things, but for the most part.
I really try to avoid commenting on anyone’s appearance.
Very rude in American culture, but this is also a country of immigrants that bring their own cultures so like some ethnicities are used to hearing these things from their families.
Every single one of those lines sound like they came from an emotionally abusive mom talking to her daughter.
Eastern Europeans are some of the rudest humans I’ve met and they seem to be oblivious to it. I know it’s just their culture but dang it’s wild. I try to intervene and explain they’re just like that when a random American starts getting pissed.
My Balkan BIL (who has lived in the US for over 50 years) reduces his daughters to tears repeatedly with such statements. They’re now adults, and the mistrust still there.
From your title I was expecting the question to be whether Americans comment on appearances, and I would say it widely varies between people who are blunt to the point of hurtful to people who would not give you an honest opinion if you asked because they’re afraid of hurting your feelings.
But then I read the rest of your post and, yeah, those particular comments will make the average American fight, cry, or post an angry TikTok.
If I ever judge what someone is wearing, it’s done internally and it’s forgotten quickly afterward. What people wear just doesn’t reach the point of me needing to care.
If you can’t say something nice, say nothing.
There are family members who will make comments like that, but they are considered incredibly toxic family members and you usually cut them out of your life.
Anything considered to be body shaming would be considered highly offensive in the US.