I am going to a different city for university and although several of my high school classmates are going to the same school, I decided to start fresh and post myself on a school page saying I was looking for roommates. As a result of this, two girls (both 18) reached out and we have already signed the lease for an apartment together. I’ve been talking with these girls and they seem really nice but one thing they both mentioned was that they are christians and were looking forward to going to Sunday services next year. I used to be Christian as well but because of my sexuality, the overall attitude of the church in the US, and delving into religion myself I now identify as agnostic. I mentioned my beliefs to them and they responded lukewarmly (liking my message). I am a little worried because, for me, one of the big draws for going to this college was how liberal and progressive the community is, especially compared to the rest of the state, and I don’t want to feel uncomfortable or make them feel uncomfortable with me. So overall, I would really appreciate some help about how to approach the topic, especially as move in date approaches (mid August)
How do I (18f) tell my college roommates I am gay?
r/Advice
Comments
Why say anything at all
If it’s any apartment and no sharing of rooms, I would never tell them. It isn’t their business unless you plan on having women over and It’d be obvious why lol.
I have friends at college and I only ever speak to roomates for an apartment related issue. We don’t hate each other, but we also don’t really know each other either.
blend in when needed and know who your people are. Especially as things get weirder if in the USA I’d not feel obligated to tell anyone.
Can just not say anything. Or just be straight up with it. I get that people like to obsess over it and it’s interesting but in reality who cares. So that’s an option too.
Basically move in and be like yea btw I’m gay. I’m not going to do anything with u guys so don’t worry. Then move on with your day. If they’re somewhat cool then they should be like. Whatever
Don’t give away too much information about yourself. It’s no one else’s business and people will weaponize whatever you tell them against you if that is their intention.
If these girls want to wear their religion on their sleeve, that’s their prerogative, but that doesn’t mean you have to do the same regarding your own beliefs and/or preferences toward literally anything involving yourself.
If YOU feel it’s important for them to know, tell them.
Otherwise, it’s no one’s business. Tell who YOU want to tell, when you want to tell them.
It’s not required imo.
Signed, an ally and the parent of a college aged daughter who identifies as a lesbian.
How well did you get to know them before signing a legally binding document with them that financially obligates you all to get along…?
I personally just wouldn’t say anything unless they bring it up. If you want to test the waters you could throw in a mention about a former same-sex partner (if you’ve had any) in casual conversation and gauge their reaction.
The fact that they politely acknowledged your statement on being agnostic is a good sign. At the very least, they’re not immediately hostile to people different than they are.
You can live off campus as a freshman?
Just be gay theyll notice
I’m straight and never had to come out, why should you? Your sexual preferences are between you and those you have sex with. If people ask that’s up to you to answer at all.
Can we just remember that nobody owes anyone a “coming out” event?
thats the neat part, you dont
So you changed your entire religion because of your sexuality?
What was your reason for being a Christian in the first place if you don’t mind me asking?
I wouldn’t even mention it..
Don’t tell them. It’s none of their business.
you shouldn’t feel like you have to say anything, straight people don’t go around wondering how to tell people they’re straight, so why should you have to worry about it? live your life. your personality, morals, and character should speak for themselves. no need to explain anything, just be yourself and have fun at school!
Unless you intend to hook up with one of them, it’s not relevant and they don’t need to know. Just do you, either they’ll notice, or they won’t, not their business and you don’t need to make it theirs.
why? i don’t tell anyone that i’m straight.
Actions speak louder than words
I dont think you need to come out or make a confession unless it becomes an issue for some reason
Just say it it’s 2025 who cares
be yourself and met them figure it out
-a nonbinary lesbian
It’s 2025. No one cares if ur gay or identify as an octopus. Just don’t stuff it down our throats. 😂. If u think it’s an issue let em know. Say hey guys I know ur real into religion and I don’t have an issue with that but some real religious people dont tolerate gays and u wanted to be upfront before living together.
I guess I consider myself a Christian, but I seem to be different. I look at it this way. A sin is something we know is wrong, and choose to do it anyway. Your sexuality isn’t. It is the same as my being drawn to women, as a man. Why would the Creator make us this way if it was a sin? That’s rigging the game. Given how life is, I wouldn’t say it wasn’t, but it just seems unnatural. It is hard enough just living without messing up our biology.
That said, I have several gay friends. Big whoop. We’ve discussed religion, sex, and everything else. They’ve even hit on me and I’m still close to most. The one I’m not is because he did it in front of my best friend, whom he thought I was on a date with. Tacky. Well, that, and he likes underage types and he’s over 30.
My closest friend, and second longest, didn’t say anything at first. Once we became close, then he came out. No problem. I had a little more of a problem when he informed me of some of his boyfriends, who went to the same church I did and had known all my life. More shock than anything. These guys are DEEP in the closet. Married and all. Different times.
Later, maybe two years, he hit me with another. OK. I don’t happen to feel that way, sexually, but it’s cool. Years later, he finally met Mr. Right, married, and moved off. His sexuality was never an issue to me, but others didn’t like it. That was their problem.
So, you could do like my friend did. Don’t say anything to anyone, unless you know they accept you or are interested. And, then, I would still be careful. Some people aren’t right. If they can out you, they will. Most call themselves Christians, too.
But, living with someone? You might get caught up in something. Given that it IS college, it might be fine. When I was in college, I had the pleasure of meeting a lot of people. Being gay wasn’t even unusual. Trans was, but that was years ago.
My only “worry,” is with this current disease. You know, politics. Worst case, play it safe and tell no one. It’s an old tactic we’ve used for a lot of things, during different times, to stay out of trouble or, at least, reduce it. This storm, too, shall pass.
Hugs and best of luck in studies. I loved it.
“I beat the horse.”
As the mother of a gay son, I would say live your truth and don’t hide who you are. I can’t speak for you though, you have to find the right time for you, maybe after you get to know each other a little. You may be pleasantly surprised there are many liberal Christians as well as other religions that recognize we are all created in God’s image. You were just made that way. Best wishes from an Ally.
Why? You do not have to make a huge announcement, just do it individually on your own time.
My only concern is I wouldn’t want a roommate bringing a lot of different or friends dates over .
I once had a roommate that did and every expensive little item especially perfumes, creams and cosmetics would vanish .
There was fighting some physical. Some thinking they were the only one would come over to find another one here and that be a mess .
Coming in late drunk with friends etc
I’d look to have you each share your boundaries on that but I don’t think being gay matters a bit .
As many have said, you don’t owe it to them or HAVE to tell them but it is also okay and understandable if you WANT to! Been there, and it makes sense to me that you want to know you’ll be safe and comfortable being out in your own home (maybe for the first time? I can’t tell from your post). Since your title question was not ‘should I?’ but rather, ‘how do I?’ I’m guessing you may WANT to. If that’s the case, I see two approaches…
One is to pretend they already know and just work it into conversation wherever it fits, as soon as you can. “What are your plans this afternoon? …Me, I’m going to check out this campus pride event and maybe meet some other lesbians!”
The other is to deliberately come out to them, so it’s over with before you ever move in. You could say something like, “I’m really excited to live with you two! By the way, before we move in, I wanted to tell you I’m gay. It won’t affect us living together of course, but I realized I’d feel more comfortable if you knew so it wasn’t something I had to worry about sharing later on.” Then let them respond – hopefully super respectfully!
I’ve worked with the same people for 2 decades. They don’t know my favorite food. Where I vacation. Or what my friends’ names are. We get along great.
When did they tell you they were straight? I’m guessing they didn’t. Why should you? That said, I’m also realistic. There are two ways you can go about it: say nothing or say something.
If you say nothing, then they’ll find out eventually, and it may become a conversation or a cause for tension. It could also make you feel like you can’t truly be yourself in your own home. No one wants that. Be sure if you choose this path, that you look at your lease terms. If they become hostile, you need to have a backup plan. They may also realize any prejudices they had are dumb and you’re cool as a person no matter your sexuality. It may be educational for them. But it’s not your responsibility to educate them. Don’t feel obligated.
If you say something, then they’ll know upfront, and maybe they’ll still be okay with being roommates. Maybe they won’t. But if they’re not, you can get out now and you still have time to find other roommates. It would avoid the possibility of things becoming tense or hostile. It also avoids accusations of lying or hiding.
Personally (as a queer woman in my 30s) I would just tell them upfront. If they don’t like it, it saves everyone the hassle of trying to rearrange later. I admit I’m jaded, though, and I’m not in a place where I’m willing to invest in other people the same way I did in 20s. At the end of the day, the most important factor is that you’re safe. The only way to make sure that’s the case is if you tell them. ♥️
Just say hey I don’t know if you know but I know and I think you need to know I’m gay.