Me and my boyfriend are in a 5 year relationship now and few months ago I started to live on my own with help of my parents, mostly mom (family problems). I was excited to have my boyfriend move in with me, because it was my dream and I really love him but I feel like he’s not ready for that step yet.
In the beginning he would just stay for the weekend, we would watch movies, play games or do something fun and then made a lot of mess. I always asked him to help me clean in the evening but he said that he will do it in the morning and insisted I didn’t clean because he wanted my attention but when morning came, he said tha he needs to get back home (3 hour drive by transport) so in the end I was cleaning the whole apartment alone. There were few times he at least made the dished but the problem was, they were 90% of the time from oil, because he would just quickly clean them, so in the end I needed to do them again. When my parents asked him when he’s gonna move in, he always said something like “he won’t have that much space” “That I’m gonna wake him up, when I go to school and he does not” “he won’t have time for himself because I would want his attention all the time” etc…. and I was kinda sad about it, because they told me he uses me like mama service and a hostel so we were fighting around this a lot.
Then a month later I had a car accident that I almost died in, I was only left with broken back and had to wear a corset for two month (I was lucky), my mom took care of me for few days. When my boyfriend graduated that week, he volunteered to take care of me, because he missed me and wanted to be near me and he promised my mom, that he would do EVERYTHING for me. Mind that all I was able to do, was walk (kinda), lay and that was it, no lifting, no sitting AND NO LABOR whatsoever. So that meant that he would be actively living with me for two months and he said that was no problem for him but after few weeks the same problems came.
I was home all the time (couldn’t go to school, so I had everything online) and he was working from 6/7am – 2/4pm so I did some small things around what I could do. He took good care of me, made me dinner, wash me, help me with everything I needed and buy me stuff I wanted when I had my cravings but he never cleaned anything after and that made me crazy. I’m not a cleaning freak and I can tolerate mess, but BOY that was something. After two weeks, there was no space to place things so they would just lay on the ground, dishes were about to fall from the sink and the floor was messy. I asked and She begged him to clean many times and he would just say LATER and after we had a fight about it he said: ,”FINE, I’ll do it in the morning just stop nagging me.” Aaaaaaand you guessed it, he didn’t. So I just snapped. I yelled at him over the phone and declined every phone call after that, I cleaned what I could but it was not much and after he came home he was furious how dare I that I cleaned when he said he. WANTED TO. do. it. I yelled at him, that if he wanted to do it, he WOULD after I told him many time (10+ minimum) and he wouldn’t wait for me to snap. He was OFFENDED and told me that “I guess what I’m doing for you isn’t good enough huh?” and I lost it. I said that he always says later, but later never comes, but when it rarely does he just gives it 50% so I need to still clean it, so he ISN’T HELPING, which he snap, that I shouldn’t even think about saying that BS called “weponized incompetence”, because that he just “forgets” doesn’t mean he’s doing it on purpose, and then I say that if he doesn’t want to forget things then he should clean them immediately after he finishes something which he gets angry and the fight continues. We had a really big nasty fight. The one line that ended it all was when I spit out: “You are NOT a f- child anymore, it’s not about just playing video games and talking to friends all day with no responsibility, mommy and daddy aren’t holding your hand anymore because YOU are an ADULT, so start to act like one.” He was silent after that.
It took a while, but in the end we resolved it and he really deep cleaned everything. We talked about it, apologised to eachother and promised that we would make it better. I thought that we were past this problem, but after our vacation, where he normally cleaned the room, after we came back it happed again. He didn’t want to make dinner so I did it under the condition that he will do the dishes and he agreed. After we ate it was late (around midnight) so he told me he would do it in the morning and I agreed. And today when he was about to leave for a weekend trip with his family, he told me, when I was half asleep, after he woke me up, that he is sorry that he doesn’t have time to do the dishes but did he had the time to take a cake I bought him that he wanted, to play some games, watch some reels on ig and to get ready.
Tbh, I’m just tired at this point and I don’t know what to do. I really love him and I was so happy to live together, but sometimes I think I would be better of living alone. How do I make him stop or just make him to do it immediately without having to snap at him. Thoughts?
Sorry for spelling mistakes, English is not my first language and I have too many thoughts in my mind now to properly think.
Comments
If he cannot be arsed to look after you after a near death accident which resulted in a broken spine then believe he won’t be arsed to do it when you’re able to clean up behind him again. Live on your own you’ll be less stressed and more happy, let man baby live with mummy and daddy and be done with it. His parents obviously wait on him hand and foot so unless you wanna step into that roll I would have a really good think about your future. Good luck with the rest of your recovery OP, please do what is best for you! Let your mum come and look after you and send the boyfriend home to his . All the best with your continuing recovery and beyond.
I think it’s like when you’re baking cookies and you are so excited to have a cookie that you take them out of the oven before they’re done. Some parts taste good but they’re dough and not what they should be. Your boyfriend is too immature and he isn’t grown up enough to be a good roommate or partner. Send him back to his parents’ place. He needs to bake a bit longer, I.e. grow up and realize that it’s not just about playing video games and talking to his friends all day. If he wants to live like an adult with another adult, he has to clean up after himself and do chores even when he doesn’t feel like it.
You can’t change another person. There are no magic words here to make things better except, “it’s time for you to move out”.
You can’t make your bf do anything, only he can. From your story it sounds like mess doesn’t bother him at all and that without someone else, he would live in filth. I think you should each live alone for a while; you so you can see what it’s like to live peacefully & he needs some time without a mom or gf so that he grows up a bit. You don’t have to break up now, but ultimately you may just be incompatible…
This is not the guy for you. It’s perfectly normal for relationships in your age group to naturally dissolve. He has shown you who he is, so believe him. Just because you’ve been together for 5 years, doesn’t mean that you have to spend the rest of your life with him.
What the fuck, lady? He’s shown you repeatedly he’s not going to change for you and yet you are still with him. Damn. That must be some amazing dick you’re selling your self-respect for.