So I just made this throwaway because I don’t want this on my main one. I hope that’s okay. I also don’t even really know how to get into things, so sorry if this gets too long. I’ll try to only say what’s necessary.
Basically, I’ve been married for like a year at this point and the past few months have been really hard because of all the stuff I’ve been talking about in therapy. Like to just make things as short as I can, I was severely sexually abused when I was a little kid by my kindergarten and 2nd grade teachers. I won’t go into detail, but I kept having to have sex with them in both the classroom and at one of my 2nd grade teacher’s house after she told my mom I needed “tutoring.” So I’ve been in therapy for like 3 years at this point and only started talking about all the sexual abuse from my teachers, and physical and emotional abuse from my parents since like last year (because my therapist would’ve had to report anything I said since I was a minor when I started).
And like over the past maybe 6 months I’ve been trying to go into all the sexual abuse I went through. And my therapist has been helping a lot, but when I try to talk to my wife about it she keeps pretty much dismissing it. Saying it’s not as bad as what a girl goes through with a man, women’s bodies aren’t as scary as a man’s body, women aren’t as violent as men, women are never fully in a position of power, etc. I keep saying I get that and that I understand it’s not as bad for boys with women as it is for girls with men, but I was still really terrified and wanted to die and I don’t know why I think that. And my wife keeps saying it’s because I’ve been conditioned to believe men and boys always have it worse. I know she was also abused when she was a teenager so I get why she might not be getting where I’m coming from. But this whole thing has become so fucking frustrating. I even showed her my teachers Facebooks to point out what they looked like and she literally just told me they’re hot and super skinny so she has no idea why I’d even be terrified of them. And then she said the men who abused her were like 6’3 or 6’4 and the women who abused me look like they’re barely over 5 feet so it makes no sense.
I’m trying to tell my therapist all this but she keeps thinking my wife is only a year older than me. So she’s not really getting where I’m coming from because she thinks I’m talking about my 20 year old wife. Not my wife in her mid 20s. I’m afraid to tell her what’s actually been going on because I don’t want her to report anything or get pissed at me for lying about how old my fiancée was. I just need some help because my friends aren’t exactly getting everything either and my wife keeps refusing to even see how fucked up I am and how much I’m hurting.
UPDATE: Just wanted to update and say thanks for the advice. I get why people are pissed at me and I’m really sorry for some of my responses. I’m not trying to be an asshole or be dismissive of anyone, but I realize how some of my comments are doing that. I’m really sorry.
I’ll try to talk to my therapist and see what she says. I’ll try to talk to my friends and try to tell my wife I just want some time apart to focus on school. I’ve just been really scared to talk about this with anyone because I don’t want anyone to be pissed at me. And I realize I keep saying shitty things and sounding terrible. I’m really sorry. I also know I’m really fucked up from a lot of stuff and need to change my views on a lot of things to be more normal. I know none of this stuff is normal but it’s basically been my life since I was a little kid. So I’m not really sure how to change things and not be an asshole with this sort of stuff. Idk, I feel really sad and alone. Thanks for the advice though. I really appreciate it.
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just come clean to your therapist. don’t live in lies.
Maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick here, but I’m not a fan of the age gap between you and your wife. Im 21 and the idea of dating someone 26 makes me feel icky. Especially given your context of being taken advantage of at a young age.
Secondly, do not listen to your wife. Your trauma is 100% valid and is not less important just because you’re a man.
Your therapist is there FOR YOU I’d recommend telling her the truth so she can truly help you. I think you need to get away from your wife in all honesty, she clearly cannot support you emotionally. And you’re so young! Which I know everyone says, trust me I get it as a 21 year old, but you deserve a better life than being with somebody who doesn’t understand you and makes you feel you need to lie to your therapist.
Your trauma is so so valid.
This is super sad and I almost feel like it’s bait.
You should leave your wife. Did you meet when you were younger than 18? Getting married at 18 and 25 is…not great.
Second, she has toxic views. It’s not healthy or beneficial to your healing to be around someone who thinks of your trauma or about childhood abuse in general this way.
Hey there. I’m really sorry to hear what happened to you, none of that was ok or easier because you’re a boy. I hope you’re doing ok in therapy because believe me, I get how hard it is to unravel the past like that and come to terms with what it did to you.
As for the rest, I did not like your wife’s comparison that women have it harder when it comes to childhood sexual abuse. As a survivor myself, I have never thought that. It seems to me she can’t look past her own trauma and be empathetic, and that’s no a good thing for a relationship. I would continue to do what you’re doing in therapy, and allow yourself to be heard and supported. You deserve that. As for telling your therapist she’s older, she won’t be mad at you, that’s not a therapists job. If anything, she’ll be able to give you more solid advice and understand you better which will in turn help you more. I hope you’re ok OP and find the support that you need because it doesn’t seem like your wife wants to give you it. You’ve got this, sending love.
Firstly, you should be proud of yourself for putting in the work to process and heal from such severe abuse. Please don’t dismiss yourself as your wife is dismissing you. What you went through is truly horrific and you’re doing the right things to take care of yourself, keep it up!
I’m sorry your wife isn’t taking this as seriously as she should. As a survivor of abuse herself, I don’t understand why she wouldn’t be empathizing with you. All humans are capable of great violence and depravity; whether that person is a man or a woman is irrelevant. As a woman, I know a lot of women generalize men after having bad experiences with them, and “men can’t be abused” is a myth that gets perpetuated.
For how to make your wife understand, to be honest I don’t have great advice. Advocate your perspective as a human being and a helpless child. You weren’t “conditioned by men and boys that you have it worse” when you were a kindergartener.
Why are you afraid to clarify the ages to your therapist? You’re an adult man, she’s required to keep what you say confidential and she can’t report it unless you were going to hurt yourself/others.
You’ve been abused by older women, and now you’re with an older woman that you feel the need to be secretive about. You were physically and emotionally abused by your parents, and now you’re with a woman who is emotionally abusive by dismissing the sexual abuse you’ve been through. It’s difficult not to see a worrying pattern.
I wonder of you’re stuck repeating your trauma because it’s all you’ve known. You deserve much better than this, and it’s VITAL that you start being honest to your therapist in order to start actually healing.
Your wife is not a good person, and it’s not an excuse that she’s been abused before. That should actually make her have more empathy than most for what you’ve been through. What she’s telling you is incredibly fucked up and wrong.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting. Please start telling your therapist the truth so that they can help you in the ways you actually need. She won’t get mad at you, she’s there to help and you’re actively hindering your own healthcare by not being honest.
It’s not a miscommunication, she’s abusing you. She’s trying to normalize abuse so she can keep abusing you.
It’s disturbing that she was so much older when you started dating. Your wife is a fucking child predator.
Do you think you could date a 13 year old? Because that’s the same proportionate gap. Could you date a 16 year old as you are now?
I think you need to tell your therapist. 16 is legal in most areas, and your therapist is better equipped to handle this situation and knows you.
You are being abused.
What’s with all the fucked up age gaps? Why is a 19 year old married to a 26 year old?
You CANNOT stay married to this person. Shes unsalvageable. There is a woman out there that will hold you tenderly the first time you tell herm. That type of woman will heal you. This woman will destroy you. Leave. Her. Now.
Your ‘gf’ is a predator
I’m very, very sorry that this happened to you.
I’m going to tell you some hard truths.
First, there are two people with whom you should always be 100% honest—your lawyer and your therapist. You can’t get the help you need if you don’t give all of the truthful information.
Next, there is a very concerning age gap between you and your wife, which makes me think that she groomed you. I’m also guessing that you have some similar thoughts as you lied to your therapist about your wife’s age.
Your wife’s spoken opinions about the rapes that you endured as a child are alarming and dismissive. It is not worse for a girl to be raped than for a boy to be raped. It is equally HORRIFIC. And for your wife to sexually objectify the women who raped you is astoundingly callous.
Your wife is NOT a safe person for you. (1) Due to grooming when you were underage. (2) Due to her not recognizing, understanding and empathizing with your very real trauma. It will be very difficult for you to heal while staying in this marriage.
Your wife couldn’t be more wrong.
Fully come clean to your therapist. Your therapist is there to help you. Please trust your therapist to do and assist in the way that is best for you.
As for your wife, she is another older woman taking advantage of you. So she has every reason to lie to you and to say that your old abusers weren’t really abusers. If she can convince you that what they did wasn’t that bad then she can count on you not realizing that she has also taken advantage of you.
None of these woman’s bad actions are your fault. You deserve to heal and trusting your therapist and being honest is the first step.
Sorry but this is grounds for divorce. What a horrible, dangerous person. Surely you can’t trust someone like her so get away from her for your safety
Oh, right. I remember you posting about this before – are you the same OP?
Some details seem to have changed this time around.
The fact that your wife was a full adult and you were 16 when you got together tells me that she needs to believe your trauma wasn’t that serious. In order for her to be able to live with herself, she needs to believe that she didn’t further victimize an already wounded psyche.
Obviously, there are degrees of severity to consider there. What happened when you were in second grade is enough to rewire your brain. You were primed for this adult to take advantage of you. She should have ended things with you the moment she learned your actual age.
You need to be completely honest with your therapist. She may strongly encourage you to leave the predator you married. You deserve the time and space to heal. You deserve to be heard. Your pain is real, and you shouldn’t have to beg for validation.
Ugh I’m so sorry but your wife is a groomer. I wish you well on your healing journey but don’t expect her to be much help.
Your wife is dismissing you and manipulating you because she knows damn well she is a predator and she doesn’t want you to come to that realization. You need to get away from her and focus on your own healing. Surround yourself with people who will listen to you and be a comfort and reasonable voice during your journey to healing. Step one is stopping the abuse that you are still experiencing. I wish you the best.
Honey, you married a predator, the same kind of woman that abused you. You need to leave her asap and focus on yourself. No normal 23 yo man or woman would pursue and date a 16 yo child.
You are doing some heavy work here. It’s going to be messy as you wade through it. Keep wading!
Ask your therapist about any groups that specialize in male survivors of sexual abuse. You are a survivor who will benefit from peer support.
You deserve empathy.
You deserve to have your trauma validated and not diminished by others.
You deserve support.
What others are saying about your current partner is true.
Would you date someone 8 years younger than you? She diminishes your trauma as you are striving to heal it. This is not love. This is not even ok. Find a way to be free.
You were a child then but you are not now. Make a plan. Get out. And live a good life with good people.
Uhh did anyone else have trouble reading past the age difference