How do I (19m) move on after my gf (18f) cheated on me after 2 years?

TLDR: I thought my girlfriend and I had a perfect relationship. She has a somewhat emotionally abusive past with her ex. I found out she cheated on me with her ex and lied about it. We’ve repaired our relationship mostly and it seems she is genuinely sorry and regrets it. She says she’s committed to our relationship, but I don’t know if I can stay with her. Things have gone back to normal and I could see myself marrying her, but I don’t know if I can do that after what she did. It’s eating away at me and I don’t know if the feeling is going to go away. Any advice?

My gf (18f) and I (19m) just finished our first year of college. We go to different schools but are only an hour away from each other and visit each other frequently. During our relationship, it seemed like we were both crazy in love with each other. However, one night during thanksgiving break in the first semester, my girlfriend texts me late at night before going to bed saying that she needs to tell me something tomorrow and that she loves me so much and cares about me so much and never wants to loose me. I’m not dumb and recognized something was wrong, but had faith in our relationship that nothing too bad was about to happen.

For context, her ex boyfriend who she dated off and on for 2 years goes to the same college as her. They didn’t have a good relationship, he would break up with her because he said he didn’t love her anymore, then get with her again and again saying he loved her. I’m pretty sure he was just using her for her body. This happened four times in total. We both agreed that she has some attachment issues with guys. Right after the last time they broke up and went no contact, we started hanging out and a couple months later we started dating. It took a while for her to fully get over him. It didn’t matter to me though because I was crazy about her and said I was willing to wait. After a couple of months, it seemed like she was over him and we had a healthy relationship for the next year and a half.

However, she comes over the next day and tells me that that she went to her ex’s dorm because he said he wanted to talk to her about something, and that while talking he forcefully tried to kiss her. She said she kissed him for half a second but because she thought he was me (??) and then pushed him away and left. I was angry and got upset with her for not telling me about any of this until now (not even before she went over). Also, I had warned her about the other times he had reached out to her that he was just trying to do sexual stuff with her. (This dude was kind of known as our school’s scumbag in HS, not just being a delinquent in school but overall being a bad person to people even his friends. He cheated on his girlfriend after breaking up with my gf). But ultimately believed it wasn’t her intention for any of that to happen and she seemed very upset about it so I forgave her.

Later during break, however, I see on her notifications that she has been texting her ex. I slip her phone into my pocket incognito style and go to the bathroom to investigate. Turns out she’s been texting him for the past month off and on. These texts consisted of reminiscing about their past relationship, saying that they still cared and loved each other, and saying that in another life or maybe even in the distant future they would find each other again and be together. In these texts my gf made it clear that she was with me and couldn’t be with him. But like I said she was full on flirting with this guy.

I also found she had said “you can’t tell anyone about Friday” and stuff about her falling asleep during the second movie they watched. I was heartbroken and in shock. I realized she had lied to me about what they did that night and that she had said that stuff to me before as a coverup for what actually happened. (Probably to get some of it off her conscience). I didn’t want to confront her about it directly because I wanted to her tell me the truth about what really happened. Instead, for about a week I continuously asked her if that was all that happened and if there was anything she wasn’t telling me, hoping she would trust me enough to open up and maybe admit her mistake. At this point, her lying to me felt almost worse than what I imagined she had done. Especially when I saw her continue to text him even while we hung out and made apple pies together. Literally. I saw her texting him while we were making apple pies together on Thanksgiving.

Anyways, one night I made it clear that I was upset with her and that I wanted her to tell me what really happened. I basically begged her to tell me but she refused even when I made a big scene about it. It hurts that no matter what I said I couldn’t get her to be honest with me. So, I told her I knew everything that happened and that they didn’t just kiss. She immediately shut down. I was seriously in love with this girl and there was a mutual feeling of us staying together until marriage. so, I told her whatever happened we could work it out. She would only shake her head when I said that. After hours of trying to convince her I got the truth. She had gone over because he wanted to talk. They ended up watching a couple movies together and had sex. She told me halfway through she stopped him and left and that she didn’t enjoy it and just did it to make him happy, but I will never know if that’s true or not. The whole time it was clear that she was ashamed of what she had done and that she was sorry and scared that she had ruined our relationship. I was in shock because I didn’t think she would ever do something like that. It did genuinely seem like she was upset about what she did and that she regretted it. I was so hurt and scared to loose her that I promised her we could work through it. I realize now that I probably had (and still do) have an attachment issue with her.

Over the two months, we tried to piece things back together. I tried trusting her again, but she broke it. She told me she stopped texting him but I found more texts. Nothing flirty, just them talking. She told me she did it because she had never gotten validation from him. That’s why she always went back to him before and why she went over that night, because she needed validation from him, even when he broke her heart and treated her like shit. He was her first boyfriend and they got together the first year she had moved to the US so I can see how an unhealthy dependence and attachment like that could have formed. Regardless, I continued to find that she had also been snapping him after one of our snowboarding trips weeks later. I told her we were over but she said she was sorry and begged me to stay and promised hat she would change.

It’s been a couple months since she promised that and things have gotten better. She hasn’t reached out to him and he’s blocked on everything. We both committed to trusting each other and going back to the way our relationship was. We took a week off to process things and she said she realized she doesn’t want to be with him and she wants to focus on our relationship and making memories with me. I haven’t found her texting him and we don’t really talk about it anymore. But things haven’t gone back to normal. I still think about what happened. Sometimes dreams about it keep me up. I’m still suspicious of her and genuinely freak out sometimes because I think she’s going behind my back. I can’t trust her not to do what she did again. When I sit and think about it I think that I hate her so much for what she did and wish I never met her and think that she’s the worst thing to ever have happened to me. But besides what she did, she’s a really good girlfriend. And even though when I think about what she did I hate her, I also love her to death. She’s smart, caring, always makes me laugh, she’s comforting and I love just spending time with her. I lover her and really do believe she doesn’t want to be with her ex anymore and she’s committed to our relationship. We both said that our relationship makes us happy like it used to again. Regardless though, I’ve tried to get it out of my head but I can’t. Like I said, I think about what happened almost daily and It’s gotten to the point where I think I need to do something about it.

I feel like I can do three things. 1. Ignore the feelings and hope they go away. If I do this, I’m probably going to end up marrying this girl and having a family with her. Like I said, I never had a problem with this before. I’m full on in love with her. But I don’t know if I can handle what she did 2. I can break up with her and move on with my life. I know this seems like the most obvious answer. But I genuinely want to be with this girl. I love her so much and I think she would be an amazing wife and mother. I just don’t want to loose someone who is so special and important to me, but I know that breaking up would be the most healthy thing for me. 3. Sit down and talk with her about it. I just wrote a couple pages before this writing down all my feelings about her. Maybe if I share them with her and let her know I’m struggling we can get past this.

All I know is this is a really big decision for me that’ll decide who I end up spending the rest of my life with. I need your help guys. What’s the best thing to do in a situation like this? Does this make me a delusional looser for staying with her for this long? Am I blinded by my attachment for her and that’s why I can’t do what’s right and just break it off? Have I developed an attachment issue and no matter how much she hurts me I’ll always come back to her? I can break up with her if it really is the right thing to do, but I just don’t have the wisdom or experience to know if that’s really the best decision considering I love her so much. Like am I going to find another person that I’ll love this much? What if I never find someone I love as much as her? I don’t know. I’ve really driven myself crazy thinking about this so much that I’m considering getting a therapist. Pls let me know if you have any advice or experience that could help me.