TLDR
I ‘20 F’ have been in a relationship with my girlfriend ‘20 F’ for almost a year now and after I finally told my parents about us, they’re insisting I go back to therapy for my “confusion”
I’ve been a lurker on Reddit for some time now, and figured it was finally time to get some advice on how to explain to my parents how I’m not confused about my relationship, forgive me for not being the best writer, it’s never been my strong suit.
Last month I told my parents about my girlfriend, who we’ll call Faith, who I have been dating for almost a year. She is honestly the most amazing human being I have ever met in my entire life, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. She’s drop dead gorgeous, funny, intelligent, and the kindest most genuine person I have had the honor of dating, let alone meeting. Faith is trans (mtf) and although I have no problem with this, my parents do, though they claim not to. This morning after calling my mom, a regular thing we have done since I’ve moved away, she insisted I start looking for a therapist, to sort out my “confusions”. This caught me a little off guard, as though I have gone to therapy in the past (for issues having absolutely nothing to do with this situation now) it hasn’t been a point in conversation for years. When I asked what she meant about my confusion, she insisted that although I was in a happy, healthy relationship, I must have internal confusions about dating a trans woman. When I tried to explain how I am in fact not confused at all, she got upset and quickly ended our call.
What I guess I need advice about it how can I explain to my parents I am not confused? I’ve always been a headstrong person, and when it comes to most things in my life I tend to just sort of like what I like, I don’t care at all about labels or what dating a trans person makes me, as I’ve always identified myself as a lesbian. From the moment I met my girlfriend, I have always seen her for a beautiful, strong woman, who I am head over heels for. Is it so much to ask that my parents just support us? And not focus on trying to “fix” me? The comments about goin
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I would say “I appreciate your concern but i am not confused and I need to you trust me and love me unconditionally. We don’t need to discuss this any further.” Then every time they bring it up say “There is nothing to fix, this topic is closed.” if they refuse to stop harping on it – hang up or walk away.
I don’t have a lot of advice to offer, but I will say that this is an important time in your parent dynamic to really establish boundaries if you hadn’t before. They need to see you as an adult AND you do not need to explain/defend yourself.
I would actually ask HER what she meant by confusions. That you don’t feel confused about your relationship and you can clear up any confusion she has. Put the onus on her because she’s the one speaking out of turn.
It sounds like you did try this and she hung up, just stick to that and if she can’t ever explain herself, there’s nothing to respond to. You can’t read her mind and best case scenario is she just assumes certain things that would confuse her and is projecting that on to you. You just don’t know what is going on in her head and it’s honestly not your problem. She can figure that out and talk like an adult when she’s ready.
You can not convince them.
But you can keep communication open with them, just better about other topics. When they see you doing fine in life, maybe some day they’ll understand.
Ultimately, none of us have any power over the thoughts of other people.
If your parents could control your thoughts, then they would have ensured that you didn’t want to date a trans woman.
If you could control their thoughts, you’d have been able to convince them by now that you are not confused.
There’s no magic incantation or combination of words that will convince a person of something that s/he is unwilling, unable, or unready to accept.
You have to accept them as they are. Or, put another way, you have to accept that they are the way they are. That you cannot change their minds on this.
Then you have to decide that, given that they are not going to change their minds on this, what are the costs and benefits of having them in your life are, and to what extent.
If this is a subject that you and they can simply…not talk about, that’s one potential solution. If (on the other hand) it’s important to you that they be accepting of your relationship, well…that might not be possible as long as you are in a relationship they are unwilling to or cannot accept. And then you have to decide which is more important to you: your relationship, or their acceptance of it. Because you likely cannot have both.
Basically what I’m saying here is that instead of tilting at the not-likely-to-ever-happen windmill of “And then I said the right words and suddenly they understood”, your energy is better spent at accepting that this is who they are and this is who they are doing to remain, not trying to change that about them, and figuring out how to build a life that is satisfying and fulfilling for yourself around the things that you cannot change.
Your mom is the one confused. Tell her to drop her antiquated world views and grow up.
if they aren’t willing to listen, then there’s nothing you can say to make them understand. they’ve chosen to think a thing, and despite you trying repeatedly to explain to them, they’ve ignored everything you’ve said, gotten upset at you and ended the call, etc. they don’t want to listen, they don’t want to hear you, they don’t want to understand.
i suggest you stop wasting your time on trying, when they’ve made it very clear they don’t want to support you, they don’t want to listen or understand you.
cut off the conversations when they bring it up. “not interested. i tried to explain, you won’t listen, so we’re not having this conversation while you’re engaging in bad faith and being disrespectful to me and my partner.”
they’ll figure it out and come around, or they won’t. if the former, great; it shows they value you and your happiness, and just needed time to get their backwards thinking sorted out.
and if the latter, then that sucks, but at least you know who they really are and what they care about, which isn’t you or your happiness, and you can adjust your relationship accordingly.
> How do I convince my parents..
You don’t. You explain that you’re a lesbian and your partner is a woman and that’s that. If they refuse to believe it, you refuse to engage with their delusions. Hang up, walk away, leave the house. Don’t allow them to feel as if there’s any discussion about the matter.
Eventually they’ll get it or they’ll lose interest, provided that you don’t make this interesting for them. So don’t engage and just live your life.
Don’t explain, defend, justify, or argue.
You’re an adult and you are under no obligation whatsoever to explain your dating habits to your parents.
What I can suggest is hold firm on your beliefs and give the situation time. When I was 15 I went through a really tough time with my parents regarding my sexuality, and now at 35 yesterday I was messaging my mum about the shoes I bought for my wedding!
My mum said some very hurtful things when I was younger, but I held firm. I put space between us when I needed it (sometimes years at a time) and stopped trying to prove my worth to her.
IF she doesn’t come around, that’s on her. Live your life. Love someone who treats you well (which sounds like you’ve found).