My boyfriend has a tendency to start saying something “Hey OP, I have something to ask or tell you….Oh nevermind” or the worst are “OP I have something very important to tell/ask you…..Err nevermind, leave it” then I have to egg it out of him, like pulling teeth IF he’ll even relent. I don’t think its a game he’s trying to play like hard to get.
I’ve sat him down and told him how it makes me tense and a bit stressed for hours WHEN he does the “OP I have something very important to tell/ask you….” because I think ” oh no what happened, is he okay, is his family or friends okay? Did I do something???” (Yeah, I know I tend to catastrophize, which I’ve ALSO told him. I should work on this pattern of thinking) . And most times he’s done this, I’ve been at work so over text (and he knows that).
His response is “okay, sorry” đ
Then does it again a few days later…..
A lot of the times the things he wanted to say weren’t really that important in my view except for 4 things. 1. Bad days at work 2. Asking my thoughts on future children and if I’m okay if they aren’t white (I am. I am white, he is Indian), this one he has asked a few times. 3. What kind wedding we’d have in 5 years considering our different cultures (I said why don’t we have 2? I’m not one to have a big expensive wedding either so I think its doable) and 4. Thoughts on moving in with him if his job requires him to move to another city down the line (very likely)
I think it may stem from how he was raised. Being told feelings are shameful, men can’t feel because thats weakness, its bad and sinful to have feelings, men don’t cry, etc etc. He’s a little open minded but theres still a lot to work through (and its not like I’m forcing him to change, he told me he hates feeling that way and he wants to have feelings and be a REAL man [a real man meaning one with feelings and isn’t afraid of housework and helping their partner, etc. He’s discovered he likes cooking so far]. Its a work in progress and quite frankly, VERY attractive). I’ve also found him to be insecure.
With that being said, how do I effectively communicate how his tendency to start saying something then go ” nevermind ” makes me feel stressed and tense until he tells me or alternatively, how do I cope with these feelings?
Thank you
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Honestly, this really is a job for therapy
OP, I feel ya, my husband’s done the “I have something to tell you… Nevermind” bit too. It’s like trying to solve a puzzle, and I’m here for it! But really, communication is key here.
Well what is HIS idea to stop this behavior?
You have told him a problem in his behavior which he seems to recognize but what is his reason (and I don’t mean what you THINK the reason is, what does HE say what’s the reason?
He KNOWS it stresses you out!
You take all out him being a real man. But a real man comes up with solutions to fix his own behavior and mistakes, not put even more of a burden on his partner
How long have yâall been together?
I think making a point of telling him outside of such a situation, that the next time it happens you will call him out on it right then. âIn addition to how it worries me in the moment, it continuing to happen makes me feel like Iâm not heard and my feelings are not valued.â
Happens again:
âBoyfriend, you know how doing that makes me feel both worried as well as unheard and unvalued. Yet, you did it again anyway. If itâs truly important, please tell me now.â
It maybe an issue he needs to deal with in counseling.
If youâre absolutely sure heâs not doing it to be manipulative or mess with you in some other way, then patience is key.
If he is not trying and doesnât care to reshape those habits and that mind set then you have your answer.
Meanwhile, on your part, donât hassle him about the information when it happens. Tell him some version of the above statement and leave it.
Separately, pump him up about all things you love about him. Work on that insecurity with positive affirmations about him and your opinion of him.
Remind him that you are a safe space, non-judgmental, an ally.
You may also ask preemptive questions such as âhow was work?â âHave you talked to your family lately?â To head those issues off so he isnât bringing them up.
I tend to be like your boyfriend but only in regards to emotional and mh related stuff. Sounds like for him he might be an overthinker and feel he’s being silly opening up about stuff he’s likely been shamed over or has had disregarded frequently in his life.
There’s no way to really break that habit w/o therapy and patience, that said I think it’s ideal to sit down with him and 1) make it very clear how it impacts you, 2) ask why he does this – and then discuss ways to make it easier for him (sometimes there’s nothing you can do and that’s okay), 3) make it clear that if he isn’t willing to work on unlearing his behaviour of shutting you out after saying “I have something to tell you” then he should look into therapy to help with unlearning that and getting a better understanding of why he does it and what can be done, otherwise this might be an issue that can’t be overlooked in the relationship as it’s causing you a lot of stress.
Hope all goes well op!