Hello everyone, so my boyfriend and I have been together since 2021. Our sex life was okay at the first year of out relationship, it started out bland but it started to get better and better. However, as of recent.. our sex life just started to get a whole lot more…. boring to me…
The reason why i say this is because it started to become the same thing over and over again. Same position, same phrases that my bf says, same everything.
I have tried to communicate with him on what I want, for example I wanted to show him some nsfw ASMRS and porn videos that I like to watch(with men being extremely dominant and kinky), but whenever I try to show him the videos(so he can understand how I want him to be like in bed) he gets offended because “I’m telling him what to do, and telling him to act like other people.” Which I don’t understand? I don’t mean to offend him, I just wanted to give suggestions to make out sex life better, I don’t want him to act like the men in the videos, I just want him to do what they are doing in the video to me. I say it’s no different from him asking me to wear something whilst we do it, but he gets angry at me when I mention it? Is it different? I don’t know…. I have a very hard time explaining myself so that is why I use the videos. I’ve also tried talking to him about kinks that I like but he seems so uninterested and barely ever listens to me when I want to make a suggestion, or he thinks my kinks are weird or kink shames me (for example I like knife play, and men wearing masks and he thinks it’s weird).
Another issue that we are having is that he is very vanilla whilst I’m more kinky (I like BDSM, knife play, masochistic, and into pet play). I thought my bf was a sadist(well during the first year of our relationship), I try to talk to him about that stuff but he just doesn’t want to, or tells me to keep quiet. I’m trying to find some type of middle ground but it feels like he doesn’t want to talk to me about that stuff anymore… I feel like I’m approaching it wrong. :((
I’m not sure what to do in this situation? How can I make things better? I kind of feel like I’m doing something wrong here…
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Well… not even addressing you main issue rightnow, the sex life, but your partner is disrespecting you by the way he’s responding to your attempts of communication, which to me is a big red flag. How much do you really love this man? Is it enough that you’ll be content the rest of your life sexually unfulfilled? Enough that it’s not an issue that if you try telling him what would make you happy he literally gets angry and defensive?
This isnt just a sex life problem, I think this is bigger than that. I don’t like being that person on reddit comments going “dump that fucker” and would like to give the benefit of the doubt. But you say you’ve already tried communicating this to him? What more can you do? Couple’s therapy? Probably wont help anyway.
Your man should respect you, communicate with you, and he should satisfy you too. If he’s not doingg those things, he’s not a real man.
Sounds like he is either uninterested in that side of sex and just wants to finish ( does he make you finish first? Are any sessions just about you and your pleasure? Does he ever ask what you want in the moment?) Or he’s feeling a bit defensive/insecure and is seeing the suggestion as an attack. I got my BF a book on the psychology and method behind it and how he can change his thinking about it to make it more pleasurable to him.
If he doesn’t listen to your sexual wants and your needs aren’t being met ( i know how it feels, i couldn’t be in a relationship without a BDSM dynamic myself) then sounds like your sexually incompatible. Unless he has a real desire to change that is. It depends how important it is to you in a relationship.
The issue doesn’t sound necessarily like sex, I’d like to know more about your relationship. There’s a lack of communication, lack of respect, lack of compatibility.
It sounds like he doesn’t want to be with you, to me. Maybe you’re just easy right now. For example, companionship, and so he doesn’t get lonely. Maybe he’s too scared to break up, too.
In my opinion, I hate to say it, you might be wasting your time. It sucks at first, but you’re young and in the long run you will find the dom you’re looking for.
I recommend joining fet life, finding local munches, doing some research in vetting, and finding a dom that fits you. I’m live the life style 24/7. What you’re looking for is available, and as a bottom/sub it’s good for you to take the time you need to make sure you pick a dom that fits your needs.
The relationship you’re in is outdated and I hate to say it, sweetheart, but that happens. People grow and change and become different, and we out grow our partners. Some people are in our life for a week, a season, or a lifetime. Your current boyfriend might have only been a season.
You’re sexually incompatible. Time go decide how important sex is to you. Stay with him and continue to be unfulfilled or leave and find someone who meets your needs.
Some people aren’t sexually compatible, and this extends to sexual interests. If after you’ve tried everything to communicate your wants, he remains adamant he doesn’t want to try, then evaluate if this is something you absolutely need in a relationship or can you live without it without resenting your partner.
Maybe I missed the part where he’s clearly stating why he doesn’t want to engage in those acts? I know you mentioned about him being shy and thinking some are weird but no concrete explanation like “I dont want to do this because I feel xyz”. Maybe explore that?