I am 25/F and my husband 27/M have been together 5 years and married for 1. We use to have great sex and he could make me cum multiple times but about 7-8 months ago things changed.
We are both alittle awkward with initiating so we were a bit blunt about it and one of us would look at the other and just ask “You in the mood” with a wink or just ask ” you wanta f**k” and he told me he didn’t like that I totally understand and we both started trying to initiate in better ways. I was still awkward so In bed in grind against him and built from there and then he said that “just grinding on my isn’t initiating” so I started doing more, kissing on him, getting on top and not being Suttle at all and he started doing the same but then things changed.
He stop trying all together but still makes comments about my ass and things like that but now all he’s does is start grinding on me and not doing anything else beside and thinks that he’s initiating. Almost like all he has to do is let me know he wants it then I have to initiate the rest. He’s stopped using his hands on me if you get what I mean, no neck kissing, nothing and I’ve told him that that’s what I want, I have told him other things id like to try to spice things up and that I’m happy to do the same and he listen and talks like hes 100% down but when the time comes, he won’t do anything not even kiss my neck and it last 10 minutes tops he gets off and I’m unsatisfied to say the least.
When I bring any of this up I don’t say “I’m not Cumming” or “im unsatisfied” because i dont want to hurt him but he thinks I’m satisfied or i think he does, i get close but not all the way. I feel like I’ve edged for months now. It’s gotten to the point when he leaves for work and I’m home alone I just get out the few toys I have to get myself off.
I’m so frustrated and don’t know what to do or how to being it up without being hurtful, so please any advice would be greatly appreciate!
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Best way is to be direct and sit him down and explain it to him exactly like you did to us. You are still young and its weird that affection is gone from his side. Maybe there is something more going on or therapy is needed.
It sounds like you’re feeling ignored when things get stale, and the fix might be to try having a quiet talk about how you feel when he’s not reaching for more than just physical contact… maybe start by saying something like, “I miss feeling connected in bed, can we figure out what’s missing?”
He should definitely know you aren’t satisfied or are you faking it?
Think having conversations about sex outside of the bedroom is important. I’d open it up in a way of asking him first, how he finds or feels about your sex life.
Have it be an open discussion, about new things he’d like to try, what you’d like to try, incorporating your toys during sex..
and then you can say what you’ve just said here. I’d say something like “I really like when we have more time for sex like in the beginning when you would make me cum multiple times, that’s really hot for me. I feel that recently, we both haven’t been prioritizing it as much and it’s important for me to cum too, which recently I’ve not been”
Then, to just move quickly on from that bomb.. say “how about Friday, I surprise you with something after work.. I’d love to have an evening with you all to myself”
And have the toys, candles ect all set up.. then make sure during to say to him, use this, do this… x y z…
After that… you can say, “ I really loved that, I want you to make me cum like that every time, you’re so amazing”
Something like that..
Now is ur time for extra marital affairs…
This is a bit harsh, but the man knows you’re not satisfied and does not care, why are you worried about hurting his feelings? It sounds like you’ve tried being tactful about it and he says he is listening but when it comes to it, he doesn’t.
You need to be direct and ask specifically why its changed. Have there been any other changes in your relationship or is it just the sex? Has anything major happened in his life? This sounds like a symptom of a bigger issue.
“I miss neck kisses, I miss when you used your hands. I haven’t been finishing during sex lately. Can you do more foreplay?”
Well like I tell anyone who posts about how to say, you need to be direct. Im sorry, but communication is key and neither of you can use the excuse of being a little awkward, thats part of maturing and needing to build on your communication skills, the both of you. I read your post and I see multiple red flags that both of you do. You certainly have a better grasp and are trying, but the both of you still have work to do.
Starting with your question, there is never a way to easily or politely tell your partner they suck at something, there just isnt. Many seem to think there is but there’s not. No matter how you phrase something, at the end of it you’re still telling them something they dont want to hear so yes, you need to be direct and unfortunately he has to be a man and understand that he needs to listen. I’ve been in this situation but in reverse and here’s what I told an ex of mine when she wasn’t pleasing me:
“While it isnt the most important thing, I do feel it is an important component for a relationship and why I want to clear the air so it doesnt affect our relationship. I have noticed in the past few months that our sex life has changed and not for good. I have always had to initiate when before you had no issue and it makes me feel like sex with me is an obligation now. When we do have sex, the passion and desire that I could feel before isnt there which reinforces the feeling of it being an obligation rather than a mutual want. As I said its not the most important aspect, but it is an important one to me and it is starting to make me feel like there’s a problem“
You need to just lay it on the table and call him out. Im not talking about you stating your wants, im talking about telling him that he’s a selfish lover because you initiate, you do what he likes but he doesnt do anything in return. He doesnt initiate, he doesnt so the sexual acts you enjoy and once he finishes he doesnt try to get you off. You need to openly say it, cant be concerned for his feelings and hurting them because he needs to hear that this is affecting you and maybe it means no sex until he understands he needs to man up and be accountable for his part. That’s where you still have some areas to grow for communication. Can’t use the excuse of being awkward, have to get past that
You tell him
If you’re dealing with men. Literally the words expressing your literal feelings.
We can’t help fix something we don’t know is broken.