Hi, I am posting because I am at an absolute loss of what to do in my current situation, and I have been so anxious for weeks as this has all been transpiring. Basically, my spouse (25F) and I (25F) have been in the process of moving, but things are only getting more and more messy as the day I’m supposed to move out there is approaching.
For some context, earlier this year I was finishing up my master’s degree, and was in my final semester of grad school when my spouse said she wanted to leave to go to (Insert Desired US state here, will be called “DS” here on out), and was adamant on leaving/making a decision before I graduated instead of waiting until after I finished before we made a big martial decision (divorce, separation, remediation, etc). This caused me great distress, as her wanting to leave has happened before (once in the end of 2021, when she fully moved out to DS until we reconciled a month or so later) and thus triggered all my past feelings to come back to the surface. I was fortunately able to complete my master’s degree, but it wasn’t to the caliber of what I normally am able to produce, and my spouse and I were able to reconcile and decided to stay together.
The current issue we face is us moving to DS, as I am still in my home state, staying with my parents as I was finishing a summer class (which just finished at the end of June), while my spouse is currently in DS as they have found and started a new job. Now, it should be stated that the state we are moving to, is VERY expensive, and we will be in one of the most expensive cities in the state. Alongside this, it should also be addressed that my in-laws live in the state, and are one of the main reasons my spouse wanted to move here in the first place.
One of the first issues we ran into while we’ve been apart is my spouse making major decisions without me, or straight up lying to me. The first instance was when we were first looking at places, I had found a place that met all of our desires, and I was in conversation with the current tenant about taking over the lease as they were moving out on the first of July. Although my spouse was hesitant at first, we talked enough and eventually agreed that this was a place we were interested in. When it came time to fill out the application, I asked if she wanted me to do it, which she said no to, as well me asking if we should ask my dad to be a co-signer on the place, which she also said she didn’t want to talk to my dad about it. She stated that she would fill out the application the next day, which I agreed to as she is the one with a job.
When I called the next day to ask if she had filled out the application, she told me she hadn’t and decided that she wouldn’t, as she had spoken to my dad and said that they talked and it wouldn’t be a good idea to move there. I was pretty upset, because it felt very much like the other times she decided make a big decision without me. However, if this was the only instance of her doing this over the time we’ve been apart, I probably wouldn’t be writing this.
A week or two later, as my spouse was on her way to DS (before she was finishing up our lease at our old place), we agreed that my Brother in Law (23M) would watch our cat while my spouse dog sat for my Mother in Law (40’sF) for a week or so. I had mainly requested this as my MIL owns wolf dogs (7 to be exact), and one of her previous one’s had once attacked me and my dog a few years ago (though this particular dog is no longer alive, I think its safe to say I got beef with these kinds of dogs now). My spouse called me during her drive, and explicitly told me that she had dropped our cat off at my BIL’s, and was on her way to my MIL’s. However, a day or two later while we were on FaceTime, I am surprised when my spouse shows me that our cat is with her.
When I asked her why our cat was here she would just say “well she’s here now!” as I repeatedly asked her what she was doing there. I. Was. Livid. I quickly hung up and we argued over text for a bit, before telling her that I needed some time to process this. Once we spoke again, she apologized for lying, saying “she didn’t know why she did that”. and things had been okay since then.
I *was* currently set to move here in a couple weeks (the 18th), but now it seems as though those plans are changing, and things between my spouse and I are getting worse. It started with when my MIL offered to help us with the move.
For context, my MIL and my spouse have had an… interesting … relationship to say the least. Many times before has my MIL promised my spouse help (for example, helping pay for college, helping with a sudden emergency, etc), and then once she asks for said help, goes back on her word, even once stating “it isn’t about you anymore”, which has caused financial issues for my spouse/both of us. The most recent example of this being my MIL offering us help with getting an apartment, with her first offer being to pay for at least first month’s rent. But then, a couple weeks ago, as my spouse and I were looking more seriously for apartments, she retracted to just helping us sign on the apartment (her being the main signer would mean we wouldn’t need to pay first month + last month’s rent on top of the deposit fees, but stated she would no longer be helping us pay for anything).
Her being the main signer was fine by both my spouse and I, as I have just enough for my split of the move in expenses (est. $2500), and my spouse has been staying with my Brother in Law while she waits on her first paychecks to come in to pay her share. However, with my MIL being the main signer, she must be there when we would first move in, and the earliest time available for her was the 18th (which is when I was planning to get there). So, I texted her to let her know I was ready and able to send her the money for the deposit whenever she needed it. This was on the 4th, and she said she was traveling and would fill out the application the next day and let me know. The next day rolls around, and I hear absolute radio silence. My spouse even tried to call her mom and got sent straight to voicemail.
The next day (the 6th) my MIL calls my spouse, and informs her she’s decided to only co-sign on the apartment, most likely meaning we will have an extra 2-4k of expenses added onto our move in costs. But we haven’t been able to fully discuss anything due to my spouse working so much (she has another gig she does on weekends, and had a big one over this weekend) and the time zone differences. Though I am very much grateful that my MIL is offering to help, it’s been the backtracking and going back on her word that has been stressing me out. I still haven’t been able to find a job out there, and have no steady source of income yet since, and that on top of airing my frustration with my MIL has made the relationship between my spouse and I even rockier.
I wanted to come on here since due to what happened earlier this year, I feel embarrassed going to friends and family saying that we’re having more issues, and wanted to see if anyone here had any advice. If you have any questions feel free to ask them, and I will do my best to respond as there is much more at play than I can state in one post.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Hi, I am posting because I am at an absolute loss of what to do in my current situation, and I have been so anxious for weeks as this has all been transpiring. Basically, my spouse (25F) and I (25F) have been in the process of moving, but things are only getting more and more messy as the day I’m supposed to move out there is approaching.
For some context, earlier this year I was finishing up my master’s degree, and was in my final semester of grad school when my spouse said she wanted to leave to go to (Insert Desired US state here, will be called “DS” here on out), and was adamant on leaving/making a decision before I graduated instead of waiting until after I finished before we made a big martial decision (divorce, separation, remediation, etc). This caused me great distress, as her wanting to leave has happened before (once in the end of 2021, when she fully moved out to DS until we reconciled a month or so later) and thus triggered all my past feelings to come back to the surface. I was fortunately able to complete my master’s degree, but it wasn’t to the caliber of what I normally am able to produce, and my spouse and I were able to reconcile and decided to stay together.
The current issue we face is us moving to DS, as I am still in my home state, staying with my parents as I was finishing a summer class (which just finished at the end of June), while my spouse is currently in DS as they have found and started a new job. Now, it should be stated that the state we are moving to, is VERY expensive, and we will be in one of the most expensive cities in the state. Alongside this, it should also be addressed that my in-laws live in the state, and are one of the main reasons my spouse wanted to move here in the first place.
One of the first issues we ran into while we’ve been apart is my spouse making major decisions without me, or straight up lying to me. The first instance was when we were first looking at places, I had found a place that met all of our desires, and I was in conversation with the current tenant about taking over the lease as they were moving out on the first of July. Although my spouse was hesitant at first, we talked enough and eventually agreed that this was a place we were interested in. When it came time to fill out the application, I asked if she wanted me to do it, which she said no to, as well me asking if we should ask my dad to be a co-signer on the place, which she also said she didn’t want to talk to my dad about it. She stated that she would fill out the application the next day, which I agreed to as she is the one with a job.
When I called the next day to ask if she had filled out the application, she told me she hadn’t and decided that she wouldn’t, as she had spoken to my dad and said that they talked and it wouldn’t be a good idea to move there. I was pretty upset, because it felt very much like the other times she decided make a big decision without me. However, if this was the only instance of her doing this over the time we’ve been apart, I probably wouldn’t be writing this.
A week or two later, as my spouse was on her way to DS (before she was finishing up our lease at our old place), we agreed that my Brother in Law (23M) would watch our cat while my spouse dog sat for my Mother in Law (40’sF) for a week or so. I had mainly requested this as my MIL owns wolf dogs (7 to be exact), and one of her previous one’s had once attacked me and my dog a few years ago (though this particular dog is no longer alive, I think its safe to say I got beef with these kinds of dogs now). My spouse called me during her drive, and explicitly told me that she had dropped our cat off at my BIL’s, and was on her way to my MIL’s. However, a day or two later while we were on FaceTime, I am surprised when my spouse shows me that our cat is with her.
When I asked her why our cat was here she would just say “well she’s here now!” as I repeatedly asked her what she was doing there. I. Was. Livid. I quickly hung up and we argued over text for a bit, before telling her that I needed some time to process this. Once we spoke again, she apologized for lying, saying “she didn’t know why she did that”. and things had been okay since then.
I *was* currently set to move here in a couple weeks (the 18th), but now it seems as though those plans are changing, and things between my spouse and I are getting worse. It started with when my MIL offered to help us with the move.
For context, my MIL and my spouse have had an… interesting … relationship to say the least. Many times before has my MIL promised my spouse help (for example, helping pay for college, helping with a sudden emergency, etc), and then once she asks for said help, goes back on her word, even once stating “it isn’t about you anymore”, which has caused financial issues for my spouse/both of us. The most recent example of this being my MIL offering us help with getting an apartment, with her first offer being to pay for at least first month’s rent. But then, a couple weeks ago, as my spouse and I were looking more seriously for apartments, she retracted to just helping us sign on the apartment (her being the main signer would mean we wouldn’t need to pay first month + last month’s rent on top of the deposit fees, but stated she would no longer be helping us pay for anything).
Her being the main signer was fine by both my spouse and I, as I have just enough for my split of the move in expenses (est. $2500), and my spouse has been staying with my Brother in Law while she waits on her first paychecks to come in to pay her share. However, with my MIL being the main signer, she must be there when we would first move in, and the earliest time available for her was the 18th (which is when I was planning to get there). So, I texted her to let her know I was ready and able to send her the money for the deposit whenever she needed it. This was on the 4th, and she said she was traveling and would fill out the application the next day and let me know. The next day rolls around, and I hear absolute radio silence. My spouse even tried to call her mom and got sent straight to voicemail.
The next day (the 6th) my MIL calls my spouse, and informs her she’s decided to only co-sign on the apartment, most likely meaning we will have an extra 2-4k of expenses added onto our move in costs. But we haven’t been able to fully discuss anything due to my spouse working so much (she has another gig she does on weekends, and had a big one over this weekend) and the time zone differences. Though I am very much grateful that my MIL is offering to help, it’s been the backtracking and going back on her word that has been stressing me out. I still haven’t been able to find a job out there, and have no steady source of income yet since, and that on top of airing my frustration with my MIL has made the relationship between my spouse and I even rockier.
I wanted to come on here since due to what happened earlier this year, I feel embarrassed going to friends and family saying that we’re having more issues, and wanted to see if anyone here had any advice. If you have any questions feel free to ask them, and I will do my best to respond as there is much more at play than I can state in one post.
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She doesn’t want to be married dude.
Honestly sounds like she’s making decisions that are best for herself without considering how it will affect you both. Might be for best to try and have a huge talk about absolutely everything that is happening and what you both want. Sometimes two people can get to a point where they want separate things which is fine but it means it’s time to leave the relationship. It sounds as if you don’t actually want to move aswell ☺️
Why would you let your MIL sign for anything when she always backs out at the last minute?