Long post, sorry about that. Disclaimer: we have communicated about all of this a lot, and we both do very well talking about how we feel about things.
So back whenever my fiance and I met 5 years ago I was extremely hypersexual. Literally wanting it 3 times a day, back to back sometimes. I was a lot to handle and tried my best to keep myself under control so I didn’t overwhelm him so much. However there were times I did overwhelm him, a lot of times, so it led to me getting turned down for sex a lot. There were some moments in particular that really hurt me much deeper than I wanted to admit, and now I don’t know how to work myself past it.
I would always try to get him worked up, doing things I know he liked and dressing how I know would turn him on, only to get turned down 95% of the time. I would usually only get a “mm, cute” and that was the end of it. He would always reassure me that he did like it, and he enjoyed it, but that was it. It was always communicated that I would like for something to happen, but it never did. This never usually bothered me to much, if he ever wanted to have sex I would jump on it very happily.
One time we had just had sex and I was in such a complete fog that I was literally crawling at him and begging for more or to do anything to me and he literally pushed me away. This severely hurt, and i know how much it hurt my confidence in showing myself and displaying my sexualness towards him.
I feel like the final nail in the coffin was one day last year we were just casually discussing our sex life, which he apologizes for not performing as much and I apologize for being to much and yada yada. I remember asking him “have I ever sexually assaulted you?” And he thinks for a couple of seconds and says “yea” I completely shattered, and felt horrible that I ever did something like that to him. I endlessly apologized and said that I wish I had never done that but he just said “no it’s fine, we’re a couple I feel like it happens with any couple a lot” which I just couldn’t believe.
Ever since then I have been extremely anti sexual. I’m terrified to ever come on to him. I’m scared to reciprocate any sexual advances he makes on me because I don’t want to go to far. I don’t want to ever make him feel like that again. I’ve completely done a 180 from how I was, and have basically become a complete celibate. The only thing I don’t mind is giving the occasional blow job, and I’ll always offer that as an alternative to sex if he ever wants to do anything.
He has apologized for ever saying that, and that he is extremely surprised he said that. He’s tried to reassure me that he never had seen it or felt about it so seriously, but idk.
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I think you two would benefit from sex therapy.
How do you sexually assault someone without knowing what you’re doing?
This must have been very difficult for you all this time. Bridging a connection with a partner can be challenging sometimes.
The best place to start is by self-compassion. You allowed yourself to be vulnerable with him when you expressed your want/need for physical intimacy. The phrase ‘sexual assault’ added fuel to the fire of guilt and shame you felt.
There is a history between you and your fiancé that only the two of you will know. So, the advice I’m offering is for your own piece of mind, rather than a solution to the issue.
Very few people have the natural ability to understand the internal turmoil of their partners, even when their partner tries to communicate with them. It is not because they are resistant to connection, but because the message often gets lost in translation as we speak/listen.
10 words or less. Try using 10 words or less to speak your thoughts/feelings. This will simplify the message.
Focus on actions vs. semantics. What has he shown you over time? If he is open and engaging in physical intimacy, that means your interpretation and his interpretation of ‘sexual assault’ are different. – Ask him what he meant when he said it. (Recommend asking him to say it in 10 words or less.)
Your shame/guilt is coming from your own internal conflict. It doesn’t have anything to do with him or how he thinks and feels. No one feels good when we are rejected after being vulnerable.
I don’t mean to be rude, because ik you said you guys are good at communicating, but it sounds like you should have been better at taking a no long before this. And it sounds like he maybe needed to clarify more structure or rules with you. He also ideally shouldn’t have to comfort you if you are the one at fault. He is your finance and if he doesn’t see it as a big deal (which since you guys have been communicating then it really isn’t as long as you are working to not do that again) then you are okay and can cut yourself some slack, you don’t deserve to feel so much guilt that it takes your initial issues with sex and 180s them.
I think you should be more comfortable talking care of “it” yourself if there is a misalignment in libido. Your partner is there for your needs but perhaps you wouldn’t feel so rejected if you knew you could keep your self satisfied till he wants to do something as well.
Perhaps you’re already doing that, idk your whole situation but in conclusion, he loves you, you love him, and should let some of the guilt go because it does happen, and that’s hard, but you can better from it. It’s lucky that he didn’t take it too seriously or feel uncomfortable in a way that ruined the relationship so accept your actions and figure out how you can communicate better with him about your needs and how you can meet them as well as his needs and how you can ensure you won’t overstep/over value your needs in these intimate situations. Brainstorm together.
When it doubt get a rose toy and you won’t even need your fiance anymore haha.
I hope you feel better soon.