I (26f) have been with my bf (27m) for over three years and we also live together. We have a great group of mutual friends, a dog, and he says he wants to marry me one day.
Despite this, I’ve been thinking a lot recently about breaking up. The worst part is that I don’t have one big reason, although there are a lot of small to medium reasons that have built up over time. It boils down to the fact that I’m not happy in the relationship anymore. I feel frequently annoyed with him, we argue a lot, our sex life isn’t good, and I’ve been imagining myself single and wondering if I’d be happier.
Although he is an amazing partner in a lot of ways that count, he is also at times selfish, argumentative, condescending, and doesn’t know when to let go of a joke until it goes way too far and crosses boundaries. He frequently jokes in really inappropriate situations and has laughed at me several times when I was genuinely angry or hurt. His family is also very overbearing and doesn’t respect our boundaries and he refuses to stand up to them.
I say all this not implying that I am a perfect partner by any means. I also have flaws.
Fear of breaking up stems from the fact that I’ve never broken up with anyone before. There’s a part of me that feels I’m “in too deep” and I should have decided this sooner. He’s, at the end of the day, a caring, hard-working partner who truly loves me for who I am and I know no one is perfect. I don’t want to hurt him so badly and I know he’s logically a good person to build a future with. I also know that secure relationships like this can be so hard to find these days. I’ve tried to force myself to just be happy, but I just can’t. The feeling keeps coming back up no matter what.
I’m also fearful of what a potential breakup would do with our friends. Our lives are so intertwined that we have essentially no friends that aren’t mutual to both of us, at least in the city we live in. I’ve honestly never been part of such an amazing, close-knit friend group and I’m afraid of losing that too and making people feel like they have to choose. Selfishly, I also feel afraid I’ll be left completely alone with no partner and fall out of touch with our friends.
Basically, I feel like in breaking up with him I’d be burning my whole life down and hurting him really badly which I really don’t want to do, but there’s a part of me that’s internally screaming that I have to. I feel like if I don’t I’ll be settling for a secure but unfulfilling relationship and there’s a part of me that will always think about and regret it.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Better to burn your whole life now when it’s not legally connected to another. You will be thankful in the end. Things have a way of working out when you do what you need to. Relationships don’t just get better as you get older. Marriage and weddings don’t change anything, except now you paid a lot of money for a party.
Don’t love in regret.
> I know he’s logically a good person to build a future with.
He can’t stand up to his family when necessary, he either doesn’t recognize or care when he’s taken something too far, and he’s only caring when he wouldn’t rather be selfish, argumentative, or condescending. Those don’t sound like qualities in a partner I’d want to build a future around. They certainly don’t sound worth swallowing down your own feelings for the rest of your life because dealing with the consequences of his own actions might make him sad.
If you’re not sure you’re ready to walk away, then be clear with him you’re not willing to talk marriage unless and until you figure out whether these are issues that can be resolved. But if the main thing getting in your way is that change is scary and you feel like you’ve waited too long, remember how much life you still have ahead of you and really ask yourself if this is how you want to spend it.
Is therapy an option?
If so, I would recommend talking to a therapist about how you’re feeling. That will help you figure out if you feel that way because you actually feel that way about your relationship or if something else is going on and you’re projecting it onto your relationship.
For example, do you actually feel like you’ll be settling or do you for some reason have a fear of the commitment? Are you unhappy with the relationship because of the things you listed or do you have a hard time communicating boundaries with him?
Whether you actually feel this way or not, it’s important that you know that you don’t need a huge reason to break up with someone. You can end a relationship just cause you aren’t feeling it anymore. He doesn’t need to be an axe murderer.
People break up all the time. Even with their lives intertwined. People get divorced with much more entanglement – mutual friends, families, money, and children.
You know why farmers will burn their fields?
To rejuvenate the soil
That’s what you’re doing, you sometimes have to burn down what’s left to rejuvenate and replant your life
Break ups don’t have to happen for some big bad reason. Sometimes we wake up and realize we’re not happy and that’s honestly enough to leave
You’re not married and you have no children. You’re young, you have a whole life ahead of you to live without being chained to a relationship you don’t want
You do not want to get married, trust me. Because at this rate it will end in divorce with many unhappy days preceding that. If you can’t talk with him about changing some some things so yiu can both be happy then I think yes you have to break it off.
If he’s not eilling to make the relationship better now he might come around when you decide to leave, then you can see if it can be worked out. But you def don’t need to stay for the reasons you listed.
This sounds a lot like the sunken cost fallacy but just in terms of a relationship. Not wanting to let things go because of what you have, potential marriage and logically it seems good.
But by paragraph 2 I had read enough (I did come back and read it all) but what I mean is – it doesn’t have to be one big reason why a relationship ends. You, you yourself have given enough reason to end it. Only you know how it all makes you feel and what your needs are.
Cut your losses, serve your own needs – things will only worsen as you’re already not happy in the relationship.
Sending love!
I know it’s scary to end a long term relationship when you have so much intertwined, but mutual friends and your dog aren’t reasons to stay in a relationship where you’re clearly not happy.
I think the rose-colored glasses are finally starting to come off for you and you’re seeing your boyfriend for who he is instead of who you idealized him to be. A good partner won’t push your boundaries and hurt you by taking jokes too far- that’s disrespectful and he clearly gets enjoyment out of upsetting you. And a good, supportive partner will defend you against family, period. Someone who loves you will not be condescending, disrespectful- this is bare minimum stuff.
Losing friends sucks. But if any of them are truly good friends, they won’t feel like they have to pick sides and they’ll stay in your life. And if they don’t, they weren’t your friends to begin with. You’re young, there is so much time to meet new people both for friendships and relationships.
Don’t be afraid of ending of alone- someone is out there for you who will show you the love you deserve! I ended a 5 year relationship and had to start over at 31 and I felt a lot of the things you’re feeling. I had gotten close with some of the girls in my ex’s friend group and with his sister and cousins. And it sucked ending it, but 7 months later I met my husband! And he treats me better than anyone ever has! Someone else is out there for you. Just don’t accept the shitty behavior your bf is giving you- no one who loves you will treat you that way!
You do NOT stay with someone because of:
Fear of loneliness
Fear of hurting someone
And you are NEVER “in too deep” to leave a relationship if they are not the right person for you or the timing is wrong.
You will not have “butterfly feelings” and be 100% physically and emotionally charged every day of your life in a long-term relationship, but you should have that chemistry “most” of the time, and if you don’t, this is a problem.
He may be good on paper, and certainly a wonderful partner, but he might not be entirely compatible with you, and will make a wonderful and more compatible partner for someone else, just like someone else will do the same for you.
Yes, the risk is real that your friends may choose sides and you could find yourself being the one not selected, especially if you are the one that does the breaking up, but isn’t that the price worth paying rather than being in an unhappy relationship?
And besides, the odds of this perfect friend group remaining the same are slim as inevitably people will move, marry, divorce, have kids, evolve and change and some will drift away anyway. You do not stay in a bad, unfulfilling relationship to preserve your status in a friend group and avoid being lonely. That is just a different type of temporary unhappiness that at least still allows you to be authentic to yourself.
Evaluate your overall compatibility, and recognize that you MUST trust and respect each other, in addition to loving each other, but you must also have compatibility in Life Goals, moral code, physical/emotional/intellectual chemistry, and share some common interests. There are other areas of compatibility to consider like personality, communication style, problem-solving skills, etc., but if you do not have the building blocks for a life-long friendship that is filled with interesting conversation, laughs, and then intimacy, it will never last. And certainly, breaking up now is far better than doing so after marriage and kids, when there is so much more damage and things to lose besides a friend group.
You need to talk to your partner about all these insecurities (do it during therapy if you’re not sure how to initiate the conversation at home) and see if he’s prepared to step up in order to save your relationship. Tell him you are unhappy, but you value your relationship, and so you’re not ready to walk away without seeing if things can be better. Tell him your deal breakers – he needs to learn to stand up to his family. He needs to listen to become more aware of when jokes are going to far. You need him to be prepared to work on intimacy and be open to reinvigorting your sex life etc.
You say you still love him – SO DO NOT JUST BREAK UP WITHOUT HAVING A CALM CONVERSATION WITH HIM ABOUT HOW YOU ARE ACTUALLY FEELING. If he loves you, he will not be happy knowing you are unhappy. He will want to step up and fight to save the relationship and may have things he is unhappy about too.
If you are afraid of where the conversation might go – read the book ‘Nonviolent Communication’ by Marshall B Rosenberg prior to having this chat so that it doesn’t escalate to become an argument. Female gut instinct doesn’t lie – your relationship is not healthy currently, but that doesn’t mean that it can’t be. Many couples have come back from far worse. Good luck.
You can break up when you’re not into the person. You don’t need some chaotic event, abuse, or cheating. This isn’t working for you anymore. 🤷🏻♀️