Background is we’ve been together for ten years, and we’ve had ups and downs. She’s very emotionally volatile, yelling and throwing things at me for what I deem small infractions. Meanwhile I’m the opposite, I hate conflict and tend to shut down and just take it when arguments arise.
So basically she was hitting me during fights for the last year or so, and I told her I was done with the relationship. She promised to stop, and she has, but the verbal abuse continued. The other day I had enough and told her I was leaving, and it turned into this big thing where she called me selfish for dropping it on her the way I did, and that I should consider therapy before just giving up.
At this point I’m just emotionally numb, she’s told me I can’t have a relationship with my friends, she can’t stand my family, and I’m sure in a few weeks I’ll be back to apologizing to her for everything just to maintain peace. For the last 9 years I’ve felt that this relationship is toxic, but my love for her has kept me going through it. By this point, I feel that I’ve wasted 10 years, but she won’t let me go.
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So she’s verbally abusive and is manipulating you into staying? Please. You sound so miserable. Just pack your shit and go, the sunk cost fallacy will cost you the rest of your life and she has demonstrated an inability to change.
“You have made me emotionally numb in this relationship where I have reached the point I would rather be alone than deal with you. For the last 9 years, I have found it to be nothing but toxic. You promised to stop, but look how long this has been going on. Call me selfish if you want, but I am removing myself for my own wellbeing so I can finally be happy. By this point, I feel that I’ve wasted 10 years.”
At that point, you just file for divorce. You don’t need to not come off as selfish because you’ve been keeping this up for 10 years. You’ve given her enough of your time.
That someone with some obvious mental/emotional problems calls you “selfish” shouldn’t be the hill you die on. You’re allowing someone capable of domestic violence to gaslight you into believing they’re some voice of authority on what is and isn’t acceptable. She hit you, this by definition means she’s not right in the head. Maybe don’t allow her demons to dictate your actions. It doesn’t matter if she views you leaving as “selfish”. She lost her agency to criticize you the moment she started abusing you.
Just leave. At this point you owe her nothing.
Both parties don’t have to agree to divorce. Don’t tell her you’re doing it, just collect all the paperwork and move out.
There are no words to convey your message to a toxic narcissist they will never understand and you’ll be wasting your breath just pack up your shit I wouldn’t even tell them until you’re already moving out. I’ll probably try to destroy all your stuff for light it on fire or something else like that. Your sanity is worth everything and what they think about the situation is not your concern.
Tell her to go fuck herself and who gives a shit what she thinks about you in her warped mind. You don’t need to convince her that you need to break up with her, you just do it.
It’s not her fucking choice. LEAVE and if you’re sorry you put up with abuse for a decade, at least you’ll be proud you ended it ultimately. She doesn’t get a vote. No sunken cost fallacies here, OP. It doesn’t matter what the narcissist says or thinks of your decision. I’ve watched my friends leave emotionally abusive partners, and it remade their entire lives for the better. You made a bad choice at 16: don’t pay for it until you die.
What’s wrong with being selfish? This is the rest of your life – of course you should be selfish about it. Selfish means caring more about yourself than others, and in this case “others” means the person who has treated you terribly for a long time. Pretty reasonable to me.
“I’m choosing to take care of myself instead of continuing to be your verbal punching bag. I would rather be alone than be with you”
“You’re so selfish!”
“Yes”
There is nothing selfish about leaving someone who abuses you. She’s entiteled to her opinion, but she’s not entiteled to keep on making you miserable.
She is a physical and emotional abuser. Be fucking selfish and drop this garbage by the curb.
Hey, that sounds incredibly heavy and I’m really sorry you’ve had to carry that for so long. No one deserves to be hit, controlled, or constantly walking on eggshells just to keep the peace. It’s not selfish to want out of something that’s been hurting you for years, that’s self-preservation.
It’s clear you’ve tried. Ten years is no small thing, and sticking it out through the chaos shows how much you cared. But love doesn’t mean sacrificing your mental or emotional safety. If you’re already numb and see the pattern repeating, it’s okay, more than okay, to choose yourself this time. Therapy could absolutely help, but for you, not just as a condition to stay. You don’t need permission to leave what’s been breaking you down.
I would reply “it’s called SELF LOVE, look it up” while I was on my way out the door.
This can’t sustain itself and you know what? Maybe it’s okay to be selfish.
You’ve been stuck in a cycle of emotional abuse for years now and it’s time to make a clean break before it takes more from you… just start by making a plan to leave without looking back.
It’s not selfish to leave your abuser. It is self preservation
Highschool sweethearts is the dumbest relationship goal ever.
You were both children when you started going out and have grown apart.
Ask yourself the question : would I want to date the present person? If no why?
Good god. Don’t worry if she won’t “let” you leave. Pack your stuff and get out of there.
please leave, its not too late still, i was about to get myself into this toxic loop, but i have made big changes in life since, because my will to change is more stronger than urges. I hope you can find it in yourself to help yourself, 9 years is a long time
You dont need to justify anything at all. You are setting firm, healthy boundaries and you don’t need to justify anything to someone who has physically and emotionally harmed you. Just go. And be safe!
op, this sounds very toxic. Do what is best for you because your wife only seems to care about herself. Life is too short to be unhappy and living in a toxic situation. Your happiness matters too!
She sounds terrible. Why do you even care what she thinks of you? You’re always going to be the bad guy in her story, regardless of how selfless you are.
Just be done, man.
>I hate conflict and tend to shut down and just take it when arguments arise.
You’ll never win, and you’ll always feel like the bad guy. I agree that you should get therapy, but only to navigate the divorce and stop being a people pleaser.
You don’t owe her some explanation. The fact is she is abusive, and that’s enough. It is NEVER selfish deciding you love yourself enough to no longer want to stay somewhere you are being abused.
Leave, and do not let her love bomb you, or give empty promises. She is abusive by nature, and will never change.
Get away from her, and please seek therapy. Hating confrontation, being a people pleaser, and feeling you have to stay with toxic partners, are big signs of childhood trauma and that you don’t fully know what healthy relationships look like, so you end up with toxic partners.
You shouldn’t go to therapy with an abuser.
It’s definitely not selfish to leave an abusive relationship, and that’s exactly what this is. Whether or not it’s physical, it is abusive.
I would suggest going to therapy asap so you can navigate the separation with someone. Get your stuff together, get as much proof as possible, and tell someone you trust. Do not keep this to yourself or it will be harder to prove at any given time.
10 years is a long time, but you’re both still young and definitely have so much life to live. Do not let her stop you from living it.
She won’t let you go? Dude, just leave. You don’t need her permission
She might think it’s selfish for you to leave, but how much selfishness has she shown over ten years for you to reach this point?
You’re allowed to “selfishly” change your life after she has selfishly physically and emotionally abused you for 10 years. Call your friends, call your family, tell them what’s going on and ask for help. Changes are, they would love to hear from you and would be happy to help you get away and back on your feet.