Hi all. Me and bf have been together for about a year and naturally have discussed getting married and having children together.
For some context, I’m planning on keeping my last name and he is which isn’t a problem. However, I’d like our future child to have both our last names, either two seperate or hyphenated.
My argument is that I’ll be carrying our child, birthing them, possibly destroying my body on top of everything else women go through so the baby should have my last name (either singular or two last names) whereas all bf does is…yknow. Bf is unsure because he wants the kid to have his last name and only his as he is the first born and wants to ‘carry the name’. Using his argument, I tell him that he’s one of 5 boys and I’m one of 3 girls so his name will be passed down and mine won’t (assuming everyone else follows ‘tradition’). He also feels like he has no say in first names (he 100% does) and should at least get to pick the last name. But it’s OUR child not his.
I’d like help in navigating this conversation when it inevitably comes up again because it’s not something I’m really willing to budge on and I’d like just help conveying to him that hyphenated names are fine and as the first born he doesn’t need to feed into this ‘passing down the name’ tradition.
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I don’t think there needs to be said anything else than what you already said.
Its easy to reason with the reasonable.
Its difficult when you’re dealing with unreasonable people.
Seems like the middle ground would be a separated or hyphenated last name. But, he doesn’t want to do it because he’s difficult.
If he is okay with you not taking his last name, he most certainly should have the same attitude towards your future kids, a mixed name.
Its a weird hill for him to die on IMO.
How does he figure his name won’t be passed down if your child has both of your names?
Does he not understand what “both” means?
In the UK these “double barreled” names are considered somewhat posh. But of course if either of your surnames is longer than a syllable or two this becomes unwieldy for the child, especially if they then might want to hyphenate with their own partner as an adult. It’s not clear that your boyfriend is being all that resistant to this, or using your surname as a first or middle name. But as long as you regard childbirth as something “destroying” to your body and he feels like he’s being steamrolled on the first name you’re definitely not ready to become parents. If you’re doing it right there’ll just be so many much more important things to worry about. What to name the child shouldn’t be something either of you get super upset over.
Logic: “I share every reason you have for wanting a kid with my last name… and I am not taking anything from you with the hyphen. So, why are you trying to take this away from me?”
The first step, in my opinion, is to try see from each other’s perspectives. Otherwise, you’re trying to work something out without having all of the information. You mentioned that it’s important to your bf that only his last name be passed down, but try and dive a little deeper. WHY is it so important that it’s only his last name, even though he has brothers. HOW does it being both his last name and your last name make it different for him, and WHY would adding your last name be different as long as his last name is there, too? And he should try the same from your perspective. Tell him to try to think of WHY it’s important to you that the child have your last name as well, WHY you feel a little annoyed at being met with resistance. Does that make sense?
You should consider this as a red flag of potential incompatibility in your boyfriend’s general views and values, and use it as a jumping off point to question him further. No need to blow things up, but investigate and proceed with caution. I were in your shoes I’d be wondering, where else his instinct would be to prioritize his ego and “tradition” over what is equitable? How does this relate to his views on children, marriage, and equal partnership? Why did he make a negative assumption about you that he wouldn’t have a say in the first name? I think the more specific questions that you find in those and how you approach him on them really depend on you.
I would make it clear asap that this isn’t a hypothetical, it’s a condition. If you are having kids with anyone, both names will be used, because that’s what’s in line with your values. Be prepared to explain clearly what those values are. Think of what you are willing to compromise on. I wouldn’t wait for it to come up again, I’d bring it up again.
Edit: forgot to mention that I am literally someone with both my parents last names. Mother’s maiden is my middle name, got my dad’s last name. They also gave me two first names to compromise, which is a little annoying on paper work, but fine. It gives me a lot to choose from for how I want to be referred to lol
I think it is really important to remember that you are not even engaged yet.
You need to stand on ur ground. It’s almost seems like he is tryna to say his reason are more valid. You have express why it’s important for you and he still pushing?? My dad didn’t even give it a second thought when my mom wanted me to have her last name.
What if you tell him you want your last name to be the kids middle name. No hyphen no two names last name just having your as the middle.
“If you want to have kids with me, this is one of the conditions.”
Don’t have kids with this dude.
If this is important enough for you then you might not be compatible. You can breakup for whatever reason you want. What I think is important or not, is different from what you think is, and that’s fine. You can explain your reasons, but in the end, if he doesn’t want to you can’t force him and he can’t force you to
But he WILL have the choice in the first name with you. That is a two yes thing. So he’s trying to get an only him yes part of the name and you still have to agree with him on the first name. Does he realize the first name you guys pick may not be your first choice? And if you have a girl, she may choose to change her name later. Shoot. A boy may change his name too. Some do.
I’d dig into other more important considerations you should be talking about before you get married to see what other issues you may have.
And by the way, you can’t get someone to change their mind who isn’t even open to a discussion.
You’re getting ahead of yourself a bit, but I suppose it’s good to agree on how you’ll go about this. Anyway, this is why keeping your respective surnames is not a good idea, now you can’t agree on which one to pass to your (potential, hypothetical) children.
You seem to be skeptical about his reason for wanting to pass his name on to his kids, which is for a valid reason. But why are you intent on keeping your surname and not adopting his as a married name?
What is with the ‘carry on my name’ thing? Can someone explain to me why, other than narcissism? I truly don’t get it….
When you have a child, that child, the actual person is your ‘legacy’, right? No matter what they are called.
But as far as your post question, it doesn’t sound like this current boyfriend views your feelings and input on the same level as his own and that is one HUGE red flag..
As a woman with two kids I find your reasoning to be immature. I carried the kid so I get the name?!?! And yes I’m a woman with two kids. No kid wants some long hyphenated name to write out at school. You’re thinking of yourself and not the kid
Does he understand that by his reasoning, if he and his brothers have daughters and no sons or no kids, the name is gone?
Girls take mom’s name and boys take dad’s. Now and forever.
Or make up a whole new name.
FWIW, 2 of my sisters and I had kids who all use our last name. None liked their dads’ last names. No one cared. 1 sister’s son uses his dad’s last name. And again, no one cares.
Our brother didn’t have kids.
The real issue here is your bf is pretty rigidly conservative. What other surprises does he have in store when he thinks you are trapped?
I agree that it’s time to see what else this guy might be thinking of as “traditional”.
The mom the primary childcare provider? The woman is the housekeeper/cook/shopper? If anyone has to sacrifice their career, it will be her? He will take out the garbage and mow the lawn once a week and she gets to do the rest? She is responsible for coordinating work, school, appointments, dates, social commitments, sending cards and buying and wrapping gifts… For both families…. Time to sort as much as possible out right now while you can. And before you are in too deep and have made things legal.
You sound like a giant red flag
You’ve only known each other for a year so you barely know each other (imo). This is one of those times where you learn what kind of person your partner is, a great learning opportunity!.
If this was me, I’d decide not to have kids with this person until you’ve sorted this out. At least you are finding out his biases and things he believes in and can decide whether you’re fine with them or not.
Fwiw I think your arguments are solid.
This is a story of how you figured out that you don’t want to have a child with this guy… hopefully 🤞
If you can’t get on the same page about this, don’t have a kid together or get married.
Your last name is not yours either, it is your father’s and his father’s so on and so forth. Women have no last names, we either have our fathers last name or our husbands.