Hi
I (28F) have been seeing my (29M) boyfriend for 1 year.
We live 1h away from each other, and we both work busy jobs.
Personally, I have always been super active (especially when I was single). I used to workout 5 days a week. Cook heathy food everyday. Pursue many hobbies (dancing swimming painting reading ). And those are things that I’m passionate about and that give me a sense of accomplishment. When I’m not doing those things I feel awful.
Since being in a relationship my activities took the backseat. Most of my free time is consumed by my relationship. Even though I have the choice to put myself first, I have the tendency to prioritize my boyfriend over everything. For example: if he says are you free tonight? I will just cancel anything I have just because of how much I miss him and want to see him. And part of me even has the fear that not putting him first will drive us apart.
And then during whatever free time I have left when we’re not together, I’m either too tired to do the activities. Or I have to catch up on all the house work and chores.
I’m starting to feel more and more awful because I have objectives in life and things I would like to be doing. And no one is forcing me not to do them. I feel like two parts me are in constant fight.
My questions for you are:
– how do you balance your personal goals and your relationship?
– how much time do you dedicate in the week to spending time with your SO ?
– how do you decentralize your SO in a way that’s healthy?
Thank you in advance !!
TLDR: I spend too much time and energy with my bf. My personal life took a backseat. Need advice!
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You need to make a schedule to see him you can’t be expected to drop everything he will get used to that. Make dates on days you are free and continue your activities.
I note that you use the word ,tendency.’ You also imply by this he’s just asking the question he’s not demanding your time.
Both of these things are important
If you know you have the “tendency “then you’re halfway to changing the habit . Sit down and ask yourself why do I do that? Are you frightened of letting him down? Do you think if you say no he’ll go off and find someone else who’s free? Do you think that’s how relationships should work?
And then when you’ve got the answer, sit down and talk to him you have given him a full sense of security in that your tendency will have led to him to believe that you are much clearer than you actually could be
So there may be a period of adjustment .
But this is up to you to adjust and all you have to do is work out while you’re doing it and stop it !
It’s really more simple than you think- just start reprioritizing your hobbies and personal life! You were you long before you were with him. He fell in love with that you, the one who has all of these hobbies and goals. Learn to love that girl again too. Find a new hobby project to get excited about! Let him know in advance “hey, I’m going to be painting tonight” so he doesn’t text and ask what you’re doing (a more proactive than reactive mentality), and you can share it with him when you’re done (“but can we facetkme later tonight so I can show you what I was working on?”)