We’ve been dating a bit over 2 years. When we started dating, we had both just moved into the city so we didn’t know anyone. However in the first year, my best friend moved in with me for one year. This best friend actually introduced us. Me and my friend had planned to go out weekly, I wanted to make new friends, all that stuff as I was a 25 year old guy in the big city. The first time me and my friend went out, my gf got upset and I could tell she didn’t like that I went out, and when I said I wanted to make friends, she would say things like “Am I not enough?” and so on. She would get very insecure and jealous when I’d hangout with any females too. One time I met one of my closest friends from highschool (who’s a girl) for lunch and I didn’t text for 2hrs because my friend surprised me by saying she’s getting married and inviting me to the wedding so ofc I didn’t really check my phone. So I stopped going out and stopped trying to make friends. This continued for two years and we’re now in a rough spot due to some other issues but another issue has popped up.
Recently as of late she has found herself a friend group with some guys and girls and they’ve started hanging out constantly. They’re all single except her so they go out together, stay out till midnight, go over to each others houses, etc. This is fine and I’m very happy for her as she’s always wanted a tight friend circle but I’m feeling a ton of resentment.
Like she didn’t want me to make friends or go out, especially during the year that my friend stayed in the city with me, and when I was actually excited to make friends. However, now that she has friends of her own, she’s completely changed her mind and is saying things like “Yeah I said all that because I was insecure and jealous in the past, sorry, you should definitely go out and make friends!!”. Like the other day she went over to a friends house and didn’t text for 3+ hours and stayed till midnight. That’s great and I’m happy she had fun but the last time I didn’t text her for 2 hours because I was with a friend, she got upset and mad at me. I would tell her this as well but she’d say that it upsets her that I’m getting mad not at the fact that she went out, but at the fact that there’s double standards.
How do I get rid of this resentment? I’m genuinely happy for her that she found a friend circle and is going out and having fun, but it bothers me that she took that away from me 2 years ago and now that she’s found herself a friend group, she’s doing everything she used to get so mad at me for.
TLDR: 2 years ago my gf used to get upset and sad when I would go out and try to make friends or not message much because I’m hanging out with friends. So I stopped all that and trying to meet new people. Now, she’s met a new group of friends and they go out and hangout pretty frequently and it bothers me a lot because she’s doing something she wasn’t okay with me doing, but now that she’s doing it, she’s suddenly okay with it.
Comments
How do you get over it? Stop letting her put you in a cage. Reconnect with those friends. Go make new ones. She isn’t your mom.
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There’s no way to change what happened so you have two choices- either decide that you feel too much resentment to move forward with the relationship, or accept that it’s something you want to get over and find a way to forgive her and maybe do therapy.
Sounds like the tables turned and you’re the jealous one now. Learn to live with it
why aren’t you going out together to make friends?
> it upsets her that I’m getting mad not at the fact that she went out, but at the fact that there’s double standards.
So, she is specifically upset by you pointing out the double standards? Can you expand on that?
Imo letting go of resentment really only happens when you believe that it won’t happen again. By “it” I mean her holding this selfish double standard, where something is wrong until she wants to do it– not just the friends thing specifically. That trust usually requires that the other person understand and acknowledge what they did, not in a dismissive way but with understanding that would guide their future behavior.
The other thing about resentment is feeling like you don’t have agency– because things were done to you, things happened to you, you can’t change them now. So in terms of recovery and coping with it, imo it becomes important to also stake out your own agency where it exists. Like take agency in what you do now– but also personally i think that understanding why i made certain choices in the past helps me integrate them as past experiences that can inform my present choices. Instead of purely as regret. She should never have made you choose between you and socialization, and her springing this on you was out of your control. When she did though, what made you choose her? Presumably you chose her because you thought this relationship was worth it– do you still think so? What were the positive elements of the relationship driving your choice? If you were dropped back into the same situation would you make the same choice in order to have the relationship now? If not, are there other issues in the relationship to address– other choices you need to make now?
Or, if your choice back then had more to do with pressure or manipulation from her, then what was going on there? is it still a problem? Do you feel safe that she wouldn’t do it again?
You need to talk to her about it and she needs to apologise for discouraging your friendships.
Can you bring this up with her?
OP you have every reason to be annoyed but you can’t change the past so l suggest you stop dwelling in it.
28 isn’t old!! Get out there and make a ton of friends and enjoy your best life.
First of all you are totally justified with your resentment and you shouldn’t listen the commenters that says you are being jealous. I can empathize and understand how you might be feeling right now.
But let’s go over some facts together:
– She could’ve include you with her new friend group and you could’ve be friends all together. Since this is a mixed gender friend group there shouldn’t be any reason why you are all not all going out together. Especially when you are having a hard time making new friends, why is she not helping you become friends with these people also? Did she talk about the reason why she’s excluding you?
– Having friends from the opposite gender is totally fine as long as it’s not the expense of your partner. Has she introduced you to these people?
– Also is she making time for just the two of you to hang out? You mentioned they hang out constantly and until midnight, if that’s the case I can see why you are feeling left out.
– The most important part is that you saying that you two are in a rough spot right now. I’m sorry to say this but are you sure she’s not branch swinging?
First of all, if you have a partner who doesn’t respect or want you to be the full version of yourself and trust you when you’re around other people, they aren’t worth being with. Your girlfriend should have encouraged you to be around other people if it was making you happy(Within reason). Instead she reacted with jealousy and resentment.
And now you feel like doing the same. Let me just say this..you get nowhere in relationships when you constantly have to keep score. Her reacting poorly and unsupportive of you should not lead to you acting the same way. And if you’re jealous or insecure, it might be time to end the relationship.
Honestly you guys do not seem great for each other and both of you don’t really seem ready for a real relationship. But if you’re going to continue, it’s time to sit down and have an honest conversation with each other about feelings and expectations. If you really want the best for each other, you air it out and come to an understanding. But either way you can’t just keep someone under your wing forever. People have a want and need for friendships, and if someone found someone in their life who means something to them..as long as there’s no major problems with them it shouldn’t be an issue. It isn’t in functional relationships.