My BFF and I have been friends for a very long time, been through thick and thin together. The last few months though, she’s been bailing on plans I’ve made and asked her to come with. The first was a concert. I asked her months in advance, as soon as the tour dates were released, and she agreed. The night before, she picked a fight with her sister who has a whole host of mental health issues, got super upset, and bailed on the concert. I was understanding since she was so upset, but at the same time, I felt as though she willingly put herself in that situation by picking the fight with someone who has shown themselves to be an abuser to my friend and her family.
Then I bought tickets to my favorite comedian who’s going to a city over 6 hours away from us. I asked her to go back in January, and the show is tomorrow. I paid for these tickets and didn’t let her pay for one of them since going was my idea. She told me less than 12 hours before we were supposed to leave that the last few months have been so hard and she hasn’t had a weekend doing nothing for almost a month now, so she just can’t drive 6 hours and leave at 8am and that she’s essentially making up her mind that she won’t have a good time. Her issue is the drive time and the time that I’m choosing to leave. I even offered an 1-2 hours later and she still had an issue with it. I was so confused because we’re taking my car and I’m doing all the driving and covering all the gas. It’s almost an entirely free trip for her.
I’m hurt and annoyed that she keeps bailing last minute. This is a new development within the last year, she never really did stuff like this before. I didn’t make her feel bad or argue with her on the subject, just expressed my concern that I hope she’s ok and that she can come to me about anything and not to worry about the trip. Am I right to be upset here? I’m starting to see a trend with her bailing on things
Comments
I’d probably talk to her and figure out if she’s having a hard time with something, but I’d probably also say that she agreed to things twice and bailed and it cost you money and hurt your feelings. It’s disrespectful to do that, especially at such short notice and repeatedly. If she gets upset with you or defensive, instead of apologizing and trying to make things right, it’s probably time for some space and for making new friends.
I’d be upset too, but I don’t think there’s much you can do about it other than just not inviting her to expensive or logistically complicated things in the future. You could try casual, low-stakes activities instead, like meeting for coffee or a walk in the park. Or you could plan a get-together with multiple friends and invite her to join; that way if she bails, you’ll still get to hang out with other people. Avoid traveling with her or doing anything where her presence would be load-bearing.