TL;DR: 35F with boyfriend 34M, together 1.5 years. My mental health is shot and I just want to be alone after work this week…How can I explain this without making him mad?
I’m (35F) having a tough time balancing my need for alone time with wanting to spend time with my boyfriend (34M). Normally, I miss him a lot and I’m really into seeing him multiple weeknights a week since we don’t get to hang out much due to his work schedule. But this week so far, I just haven’t felt up to it. My mental health has been baddd due to my job (soooo many reasons) and he doesn’t really “get” mental health, even though he has periods where he’s very depressed due to his job during certain busy months (make it make sense!).
For example, we had plans to hang out tonight, but my stomach’s been bothering me and because of that my anxiety is high… so I just want to stay home, read, watch a movie, and maybe nap.
The thing is, 95% of the time I hate feeling lonely and isolated, so it’s frustrating that I want more space right now. I told him how I was feeling earlier and that I might cancel if I didn’t feel better, but I’m nervous he’ll hold it against me (sometimes that happens with things here and there) because I canceled last Friday (due to what I think was my first migraine!) and wasn’t able to see him Sunday. On Sunday, he had just gotten back from a weekend trip for a gig (plays in a band for events on Saturdays) and asked if I wanted to hang out around 2pm. But I had a cat drop-in at 4pm (I do pet sitting on the side) and a dog walk an hour later, so our time together would’ve been really short. I tend to prefer longer stretches of time together (at least a few hours going into the evening) because I like to settle in, talk, relax, and enjoy the time instead of feeling rushed. So to me it jst felt better to skip that short window and wait for a day when we could actually spend quality time.
So with all that context, my question is: how can I express my need for alone time (despite whether or not I am feeling physically healthy) without him feeling upset or annoyed? And how do you balance personal space with maintaining closeness? (Ironically, it used to be him who needed more alone time, but now that he’s off for the summer as a teacher, he has plenty of free time during the week and his side gigs are on weekends, which just happen to be my best times to hang out, lol.)
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>>How can I explain this without making him mad
This is a concerning question, though? How about you take your time, explain your needs calmly, and then…just let him be salty about it? A reasonable person would be like oh hey take your time.
Gently tell him you’re not feeling good and had a rough week and are going to stay in to rest for the night. Wanting alone time is perfectly normal in a relationship and if he holds it against you that’s not healthy on his part.
You have mental health issues and he doesn’t “get” mental health? What does he say when he has mental health stuff?
It’s very concerning that you are more worried about making him mad than you are about standing up for yourself and/or being honest. That you can’t just say, “Hon, my anxiety is way up, work sucks, migraines, stomach – all bad. I just can’t do it this week”, and him not immediately ask if you’re okay, and what can he do for you, is problematic.
Just say it. If he gets mad, that’s on him. You have to take care of you.
If he is a reasonable person, simply saying you are not feeling it and need to reschedule should be enough. He can say, “Not a problem, call if you need to!”
If he is not a reasonable person, there is no magic phrasing that will make him see reason. So my advice is not to worry and calmly state your needs. If he holds it against you, tell him you don’t appreciate that and be firm with your boundaries.
Does he regularly hold it against you if you need to say no or cancel? Or is this something past partners did regularly? Frankly, your question itself is very worrying, this shouldn’t be an issue at all.
I would start thinking about moving in together. I know… hear me out.
If and only if you can see a future with him of course.
I have the same problem you do but feel like I have to be on and house look nice etc to hang out. When you live together, that goes away. If you don’t feel good you can just go lay down and if they want they can join you. Or not. It’s just easier when you don’t have to prepare or entertain. You can still have fun and have a night out, or day out, but you’ll be on the same page if you’re both up for it.
You seem like you’re at the right age. If he is the right person, you should be comfortable with him when you’re feel a little wiped out.
Everyone needs down time to recharge….. just explain that it has nothing to do with him personally, or even y’all, as a couple. That you’re having a rough week, and need recharge time, a little bit of space to focus on nothing at all!